Baby Doll

[Love2Write]

Baby Doll

I quietly sat in the small, overcrowded airport waiting room. I sat unknowingly fiddling with my oversized belt buckle and chewing my gum rather loudly. The elderly man in the chair across from me was scanning US magazine while gently rocking his crossed leg. I watched him curiously, making bets with myself about who he was waiting for.
"Excuse me miss," the elderly man suddenly said slapping the newspaper down on his lap. "Do you mind?"
I let go of my belt buckle and almost spit my gum out in shock.
"The gum?" I questioned dumbly.
"Yes!" the man replied rolling his eyes and picking up the magazine again.
"Grumpy?" I muttered under my breath as I picked my bag up off the floor and quickly stood up.
I stretched while turning around and taking in my surroundings.
"Lunch time!" I muttered as I glanced at a small clock on the wall. "Here I come Vending Machine!"
I swung my bag around my shoulder and started off towards the hallway.
As I walked through the waiting room I watched families sitting happily waiting for loved ones. I suddenly felt saddened as I was here alone waiting for someone I had let go of a long time ago. I had never asked for my past to come and find me but it had and for some reason I was paying the price.
I quickly turned the corner and entered a wide, white walled hallway. Right across the hall from me was heaven, the sacred Vending Machine. Over my years of growing up without anyone around I had learned to take care of myself; feeding myself. At a young age I recall taking a few dollars out of my Mothers change dish and going into the apartment building laundry room to buy something from the vending machine. I'm not proud of looking up to a heap of metal containing fattening food as heaven, but you would understand if in my shoes.
I slowed down and approached the vending machine cautiously, eyeing it up and down.
"What to have?" I questioned myself. "What to have?"
I looked at all the treats, licking my lips.
"Sun Chips!" I yelled happily.
I laughed as I took change out of my pocket and inserted it into the vending machine. I watched happily as the chips bag fell through the vending machine and finally hit the bottom. I licked my lips again as I reached my hand into the slot in the bottom of the machine and pulled out the bag of chips.
"Lunch," I said as I pulled the gum out of my mouth and stuck it to the side of the vending machine.
I opened the bag as I walked back towards the waiting room. I stopped for a moment as a voice came over the intercom.
"Good afternoon everyone," the voice said casually. "We have several flights entering and leaving the airport this afternoon so we ask for everyone’s cooperation. At the moment we have both flight 409 from Dallas and 413 from New York landing. Thank you for your attention and have a good afternoon!"
"413 you say?" I questioned as I reached into my grey shoulder bag and pulled out a piece of torn paper.
I unfolded the paper and looked at the messy writing on it. '413 New York' was written on the piece of paper.
"Well I guess he's here," I said, not sure what to feel, sadness or happiness.
I crumpled the piece of paper up and threw it into the trash bin at the entrance to the waiting room. Unhappily I slumped past people getting ready to great the arriving flight.
"Excuse me," I mumbled moving through a group to get to a seat at near the front of the room.
"Sure," a kind lady said moving aside as I passed her.
I smiled as I passed her and then went back to my usual frown as I slid into the seat. As I placed my bag on the floor I looked up at the clock and saw that the flight was early. Even though everything was running ahead of schedule people were still forming a welcoming mob as the port door opened to let the passengers off.
"Who are you waiting for young lady?" the lady who had let me through the crowd said as she slowly lowered herself into the seat beside me.
"My Father," I said starring at the women’s oversized belly.
"Six months," the women said realizing I was starring at her belly. "Second baby... second husband."
I laughed as the women let out a little chuckle.
"My names Anne," she said reaching out her hand.
"Kelly," I smiled as I shook her hand.
"So Kelly?" Anne questioned. "Your fathers coming home from a business trip? Or a trip alone with your Mother?"
I laughed. "A trip but not like any of those."
"I see," Anne said calmly. "Well my husband, Bill, is coming here to see his daughter. He hasn't seen here since she was seven. Can you believe..."
"Bill?" I questioned.
"Yes," Anne said strangely.
"My fathers name is Bill," I said sadly. "And I haven't seen him since I was seven."
"Really?" Anne questioned. "But Bill is waiting for Kayla."
I looked down at my bag and picked it up.
"I lied," I said as I ruffled through my bag. "My name is Kayla."
I pulled out my wallet and grabbed my driver’s license and passed it to Anne. She took it from me and glanced down at it then back up at me.
"See," I mumbled.
She still looked confused.
"Okay," I said rolling my eyes. "Well this should be proof enough!"
I pulled out an old picture from my wallet. In the picture was a young girl with pony tails and missing front teeth. Beside the happy young girl was a smiling young father with a farm style outfit on.
"That's me and him," I smiled passing the picture to Anne.
She took it from me and glared at it.
"He left me," I said calmly. "I was seven years old. He was a young father; my father. The day he left it was raining really badly. He had told me we were meeting Mom at the restaurant down the street. We got in his pick up truck and drove down the street. He was quiet all the way there; until we pulled up into the parking lot. He looked at me with those big blue eyes of his and said "Love you Baby Doll." I believed him becuase I was young and innocent. He gave me his silver cross necklace and said that the cross represented all those who loved me, including him. He took me into the small, dirty restaurant and guided me to the back booth. As I reached the booth I saw my uncle Dan. My Dad picked me up, put me down on the seat beside my father and kissed me on the cheek. "I forgot my wallet in the truck," was the last thing he said to me. Later that night, after Uncle Dan took me home, my Mother had a melt down. She broke everything breakable in the house and drank all the visible liquor. She passed out drunk on the floor, and has done that ever since. Bill, the one you love so, left his wife and daughter for a 'younger wife'. How old might you be?"
"I'm 34," Anne said after a few seconds.
"Well, your younger then my Mom alright," I said sarcastically. "So he found a fresh piece clay and molded the perfect future out of it. While, back here, my Mother's slowly drowning in alcohol and I'm living, after a long struggle."
I quickly grabbed my bag and stood up.
"I hope you and your children have a wonderful life," I yelled. "But as for wonderful Bill, you tell him that I don't wear the cross anymore to remind me of those who love me but I wear it to remind me of all those who have hurt me."
I threw my bag over my shoulder and turned quickly. I stormed off toward the hallway again, pushing through the crowd not being overly polite.
As I entered the hallway I remembered the fountain at the entrance to the airport.
"Water washes away all the pain," I said smiling as I began running toward the entrance hall.
When I was younger my Father would take me to the creek at the edge of town to go swimming. We would sit on the rocks and put our feet in the water and he would tell me stories about his past. One day he had told me that he started coming to the Creek after his Dad died. He said that he would swim in the water to wash away his pain. It soothed him and washed away his past.
As I approached the fountain I pulled the cross necklace from my neck, breaking it. I held the necklace overtop of the water.
"My Father washed away his pain; and left behind his life for a new piece of clay that he could mold into a better life," I whispered letting the necklace drop into the water. "Now it's time for me to wash away my painful past and start fresh!"

[jrudder]

Crit first:

1)

Over my years of growing up without anyone around I had learned to take care of myself; feeding myself.

That whole sequence just seems a bit awkward to me. My suggestion: "I had grown up without anyone around and had learned to take care of myself; getting food had always been one of the easier parts of that process." or something.

2)

"We have several flights entering and leaving the airport this afternoon so we ask for everyone’s cooperation. At the moment we have both flight 409 from Dallas and 413 from New York landing. Thank you for your attention and have a good afternoon!"

That's not exactly what an airport announcer would say. Individual announcers announce different flights coming in at different terminals, and that's about out. I'd rewrite that to make it a little more stark and technical, as that's the way it is in airports.

3)

Unhappily I slumped past people getting ready to great the arriving flight.

It's a bit redundant to say, "Unhappily," as it's obvious when you say "slumped." Although that brings up another point: you misuse "slumped." It means to collapse or slouch, but you're using it in a different way; you can't slouch past something. I'd suggest using "trudge," as IMO it fits better.

4)

"Bill?" I questioned.

Use "asked." It flows better.

5)

"Yes," Anne said strangely.

I know what you're trying to say, but I think it'd be better if you said, "Yes," Anne said, giving me a strange look.

6)

"My Father washed away his pain; and left behind his life for a new piece of clay that he could mold into a better life," I whispered letting the necklace drop into the water. "Now it's time for me to wash away my painful past and start fresh!"

That all just seems very forced and artificial to me. It would be better if you conveyed that through thoughts, something like, My father had washed away his own pain, had left his old life for a new one that he could mold into something happy. I dropped the necklace into the water and knew that it was now time for me to wash away my own past and start anew.

Alright, you've got a good start here, but it seemed to go a bit fast to me. She seems to just turn and leave very abruptly, especially after feeling a mix of happiness and dread at seeing her father again. My advice would be to slow it down a bit so that we can get inside Kayla's mind a bit more. Nevertheless, I'm interested and I'd like to read more. Good luck.

[beigeotter]

"I quietly sat in the small, overcrowded airport waiting room. I sat unknowingly fiddling with my oversized belt buckle and chewing my gum rather loudly"

i noticed adverbs in practically every sentence. These weaken the style, instead it is advisable to use more dynamic words. Also, I found that you repeated words a lot.

The Airport description was very vague. You included a description of a "walled hallway" which I found surprising, (aren't all hallways walled?).

Much of the action in the story was unnessacery, the plot revolved around the girl and her father. Perhaps you could make the story simply a longer and more subtle dialogue. Her motivations were also slightly hard to figure out—if she hadn't seen her father since she was seven, wouldn't she have accepted him, the jerkwad that he was.

Overall the idea isn't bad, it just needs more sublety and perhaps more background info. Good Luck!

[Love2Write]

Thank you jrudder! I will have to change those things. About the airport thing though, I've never been to an airport (I know that sounds funny) so I don't know what the announcers say. Guess I'll just have to throw something together!

[Love2Write]

Thank you beigeotter for the critique! I'm not the best writter so most of the verb tenses and everything are screwed up. About the airport description, "walled hallway" actually said "white walled hallway". I used that sentence to describe the drab coloring of the hallway. Maybe the way I put that sentence together is confusing; will have to try and fix it!
Thank you.

[jrudder]

I guessed as much, but I didn't want to say that without knowing for sure. Basically, they'd just say, "[Name of Airlines] flight 413 from New York, now arriving at Terminal [number]."

[Love2Write]

Ok, thanks for the critique!