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#1
01-16-2007, 02:58 PM
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Ice Maidens
Deleted By Author.
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A Girl in Winter. His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here." Last edited by kal; 05-29-2009 at 05:22 PM.. 
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#2
01-16-2007, 04:52 PM
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Ah, Kalibantre, you have honored your friend and I am crying inside.
kit
__________________
If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers. Riverstones let the water flow around them.
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#3
01-16-2007, 05:50 PM
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zzz
Last edited by JRT; 04-18-2007 at 06:38 PM..
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#4
01-17-2007, 10:51 AM
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thanks guys, but a crit please... I wrote this for a man that always pushed me further, made me write better. please help me do what he would have wanted.
__________________
A Girl in Winter. His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
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#5
01-17-2007, 11:41 AM
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zzz
Last edited by JRT; 04-18-2007 at 06:39 PM..
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#6
01-17-2007, 12:40 PM
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well anyone that can please do. the random crying has stopped now and I'm asking for poetical assistance.
__________________
A Girl in Winter. His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
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#7
01-17-2007, 02:25 PM
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Okey Dokey - here's how I would edit it - if you want any explanations of why, I'll fill in later - just running between students -Kit
Eyes stinging, lids heavy, weak smiles, strong hugs, endless tea bags missing the bin, laundry left out on the line. Your book open on the table, your coffin not yet closed. Cigarette butts fill the room — (or cause) a choking in the back of our throats, or at least that's what I'll blame when asked. We've always worn black — it’s never been this restricting. So many women, so many shined black shoes. Inspired by our footwear, you would have written poetry added us to your Ice Maidens.
__________________
If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers. Riverstones let the water flow around them.
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#8
01-17-2007, 04:36 PM
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zzz
Last edited by JRT; 04-18-2007 at 06:40 PM.. Reason: Deleted
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#9
01-17-2007, 05:01 PM
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zzz
Last edited by JRT; 04-18-2007 at 06:40 PM..
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#10
01-17-2007, 06:32 PM
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zzz
Last edited by JRT; 04-18-2007 at 06:41 PM..
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#11
01-18-2007, 02:52 AM
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thanks for that.
yeah it's an in thing. his book of poerty was titled Ice Maidens and contained many poems about sex, women and shoes...
__________________
A Girl in Winter. His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
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#12
01-18-2007, 05:33 PM
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zzz
Last edited by JRT; 04-18-2007 at 06:41 PM..
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#13
01-19-2007, 07:44 AM
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I'm going to make this short by agreeing with JRT and his friend here. This is very well crafted, and the only real issue I have is with "Ice Maidens," again because it's an "in" thing.
Good show. Cheers!
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#14
01-19-2007, 10:18 AM
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Well this isn't a poem I ever want published unless it's in memory of him so I don't care about the in thing. and funeral's happen to be the iciest places I know.
Sorry I'e had a shitty day and I don't care if i'm being rude anymore. his grandchild died 3 days ago and was buried yesterday... this year rocks!
__________________
A Girl in Winter. His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
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#15
01-19-2007, 03:02 PM
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I don't think it matters that Ice Maidens is a book or whatever - in my mind it was perhaps a group of women who called themselves Ice Maidens. And I understand the visual image of "cigarette butts" very well, even though I don't smoke. This poem is incredibly visual and emotional. Excellent.
Kit
__________________
If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers. Riverstones let the water flow around them.
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