___A Wish___

[tRanCe]

Hi fox. I am sharing this poem, and i am not sure if it even qualifies for one. Hope it's not a huge felony. Cheers.



They know, know it too well
The story behind those gloomy eyes
But they still laugh and linger
While those eyes bleed and tinker

Long for wealth, hunger for fame
Black or white, it’s just the same
Nothing seems to hold them down
Nothing seems to hamper their game

This world’s a box, unconscious
Made of bricks and stones
While you are in it you don’t feel
Until one’s hurled against his bones

If only books could teach
If only the wise could preach
If only the shrewd had the power
If only for that ominous hour

If only the skies could tell
Why we always tend to fell
While it hover above the stars
And humanity licks its own scars

If only the Gods would cry
If only angels could try
If only nature could persist
If only the good had resist

If only fear could die
Devoured in its own manifestation
If only the prayers are heard
And reveal God’s appreciation

But as you can see my friend
You have no way, no road no means
You are here, stuck in time
Paying the price, every penny, every dime

If only I could have told you
If only I could have made you see
How deep you have fallen
How deep is this misery?

You are lost, lost in the dark
Lost for an answer, lost for a word
You hang your picture on the wall
And celebrate your own downfall

You, a fool for delusion
It’s time to steady your ships
It’s time to humble the might
It’s time you open your eyes and lips

It’s you and no one else
It’s you, and search no more
It’s you and no one around
Who’s going to lift off that ground?

And those children who have no name
Those who know nothing of glory and fame
Those who live on shattered grounds
Where life has put to credulous shame

I wish I could have given them hope
Don’t let go that fragile rope
If only for a little while
I wish I could have made them smile

If only for that little while
I wish I could have made them smile

[azaelkain]

This poem was really good, but at some parts I was leaning on telling you that this wouold be better considered a lyric. By the end however I noticed it was good as a poem. Okay now the break down.

They know, know it too well ("know it to well" seems retorical and I would suggest you omit it. )
The story behind those gloomy eyes (for some reason I kept thinking "The stories..." )
But they still laugh and linger (linger and tinker just dont feel right i would suggest using other words.)
While those eyes bleed and tinker

Long for wealth, hunger for fame
Black or white, it’s just the same (it's all the same)
Nothing seems to hold them down
Nothing seems to hamper their game

This world’s a box, unconscious (This world is a box,)
Made of bricks and stones
While you are in it you don’t feel
Until one’s hurled against his bones

Okay this one stanza was kinda in a different tone than the rest. It was kind hard for me to place this one in. There is another stanza that shares the same tone and i in my opinion would or should be ommited but its up to you.

If only books could teach
If only the wise could preach
If only the shrewd had the power
If only for that ominous hour

I love this stanza. General note is : Don't forget commas.

If only the skies could tell
Why we always tend to fell
While it hover above the stars
And humanity licks its own scars

This is the other stanza i was talking about. I know why you used them but i just think they take away a little.

If only the Gods would cry
If only angels could try
If only nature could persist
If only the good had resist ("had" change to "would".)

This is my favorite stanza. Change the "had" and the stanza has symmetry and a rhyme scheme.

Okay after this stanza it seems you have two themes going that are good. They are different (the themes i mean) For the rest of the poem i would suggest picking the kids as the focal point and the other theme to be toned down. It will make the poem shorter but i think more "to the point".

Well this are just my suggestions.

[tRanCe]

Well, thanks a lot Azaelkain, your suggestions are very much noticed....

The stories you mentioned here..."The story behind those gloomy eyes...."
If u might have noticed...we are talking about the same children here...And i guess if u read it with the same thought in context, the stanza gives a different idea......i guess!!!

And yes, the poem was meant to be a blend...but if u feel that those two stanzas hinder the overall rhythm...they would be better left out...

I will edit the poem very soon, thanks once again....cheers

[JRT]

Trance,

Welcome to you, and I'm sorry that a lot of grief seems to be in the air around here, something you said in a different post. Maybe it's a seasonal thing, maybe not. People have written some things on here that make me laugh out loud, and there is really quite a wide variety. On your piece, I don't know what to say exactly except to offer these few brief comments. I liked it, but felt let down by it too. There just seems to be way too much going on, at least for me. I got lost. I'm sorry. I liked what I think you are trying to convey, but so much and so wordy. Break it up somehow. And all the repetition didn't work at least for me. Finally, you absolutely don't need to force rhymes. In fact, that, combined with the repetition, distracted me so much that I got lost and felt let down. Why let down? Because I think that you have something worthy behind this. Otherwise, I would feel nothing. Please try to break it up and break it down. Out with so much repetition and don't try to force rhymes. But above all else, keep on writing.

Best to you.

[tRanCe]

Originally Posted by JRT

Trance,

Welcome to you, and I'm sorry that a lot of grief seems to be in the air around here, something you said in a different post. Maybe it's a seasonal thing, maybe not. People have written some things on here that make me laugh out loud, and there is really quite a wide variety. On your piece, I don't know what to say exactly except to offer these few brief comments. I liked it, but felt let down by it too. There just seems to be way too much going on, at least for me. I got lost. I'm sorry. I liked what I think you are trying to convey, but so much and so wordy. Break it up somehow. And all the repetition didn't work at least for me. Finally, you absolutely don't need to force rhymes. In fact, that, combined with the repetition, distracted me so much that I got lost and felt let down. Why let down? Because I think that you have something worthy behind this. Otherwise, I would feel nothing. Please try to break it up and break it down. Out with so much repetition and don't try to force rhymes. But above all else, keep on writing.

Best to you.

Yes i guess...this seasonal thingie might have this adverse affect....reverse for australians ofcourse...

Well, i should say, thanks a lot for your feedback...really appreciate that...english is my second language...so it really is hard to get a grip and have a calculated assult with the right momentum...i mean the poetry thing...no I am not talking about bombin someone...haha...

Yes, i'll try to make ammendments...i'll try them tonight perhaps....
Thanks once again...cheers...

[riverstone]

g

[JRT]

zzz