Dragons Breath and fears

[_zeb_]

(((edited and revised)))

Gods help us all!
This land is ablaze,
The dragons have come
With there breath and fears.

Let us pray!
For the days to come,
That our children will be safe
For the time needed to fight.

We see a Knight!
Just passing morn,
That went looking For dragons blood,
he seemed so brave and all.

He finally came back!
But not in one piece,
For he was dropped
From a 20 foot leap

I guess it didnt go well!
but we saw a patch of blood,
right under the dragons belly
Does that mean we are free?

The dragon had won!
Now we are doomed,
He came and destroyed Our beautiful garden
and he torched our fields.

Gods help us all!
This land is ablaze
The dragons have come,
With there breath and fears.

[riverstone]

Hey zeb
I like the first verse the best - it sets a mood. I think the whole poem would be better if you used punctuation and didn't initial cap each line. What does it mean to go "lunge?"

Maybe if you allowed yourself to write more freely - outside of form - this would be easier to read. Here are some ideas:

Gods, help us all!
This land is ablaze,
the dragons have come
with there breath and fears.

or

We saw a Knight
who passed in the morn,
and went looking
for dragons blood.

I think it's a very good beginning as there is a story being told and the imagery is there but it doesn't hang together somehow. I feel like I'd have to have been playing the game with you to know what you mean about what happens. So perhaps more details, more verses, just more..

Kit

[azaelkain]

Okay I felt that I was hearing some old man from an anime show saying something about a dragon.

The verse seem very rigid. I see potential in this as a short story or a poem maybe if the fluidity of the verses was changed.

He finally came back!
But not in one piece,
For he was dropped
From a 20 foot leap

This stanza is hilarious I don't know if it was intentional or not but i found it funny.

SO my opinion is that the fluidity be changed and don't shout at me what happened, show me what happened. I get that a lot when i write too. Don't tell me, show me.

"God almighty, help us,
The land burns in a sea of flames,
The fearsome dragon bears its fangs,
With scorching flames and eyes filled with rage he comes,"

Something like that. Hope i helped.