Traitorous moon...

[azaelkain]

“A poor, poor soul this one is.” The moon said as she contemplated a women dance in honor of her. She was dark brown of skin, and the sweat on her forehead gleamed with the radiance of the moon above her. The woman was a gypsy by ancestry. The rhythm of the soundless tune guided her every action as she danced for the moon up above her. The moon, motionless as it was observed intently as this young angel danced her heart out to her. The gypsy should be better described as a young lady, not yet past the budding of her life. The young lady was strong of figure but her face was innocent and her big hazel eyes glorified her face. In her hands she held no instrument and from her mouth no words parted her full lips. Her dance filled with fervor was all that anyone could see and the moon took notice of this devote offering. The gypsy continued to dance fervently from sun down to daybreak of the next day and it was here in the last hours of the glorious that the ethereal being talked to the gypsy.

“My child what is it that you wish? What could drive you to such length?” The gypsy stayed quite for a while as the motherly voice of the cold moon reached her. She knew that it was indeed the moon that had spoken.

“Oh great moon overseer of the night I pray you help me find the one to love.” The gypsy said confidently. The moon expressionless as it was seemed to wonder at the strange request of the young lady. The young gypsy was of great physical appeal.

“My child, what possible help could you want from me?” The moon asked.
“My mistress of the night, men are in plenty but I want the one for me and for me alone.” The gypsy responded with the utmost severity. The moon did not understand what these creatures of the earth could possibly want to accomplish.

“Dear, Dear child if you so insist on this request then I shall grant it for you, but I ask for the first born child that you shall bear.” The moon said.
“I shall do as you command matron of darkness.” The gypsy bowed low as to hit her forehead to the ground.
“Stand child for when you go back your great desire shall be fulfilled.” With these parting words the soft fingers of the sun enveloped the moon and it disappeared into the horizon.

The gypsy rose from the earth and started walking back to her home. It was true that this young mysterious gypsy was well loved in her home and place of birth but she could not find a man for her. That, however, as the moon had said would soon not be the case. A caravan came to her village and in it a dazzling man to whom the young gypsy was inexplicably drawn as if they were magnets. Soon these two souls became one and the bridal bed in which they became one was overlooked by the quite and cold moon. The moon expecting the pay for her services as she had been promised.

Ten months of blissful happiness had been lived by the gypsy and her beloved and on a fateful day she gave signs of birth. The child was born healthy and well. However what was to come next was not expected even by the mother, the young gypsy. As was said before the child was born healthy but he was as white as snow and his eyes were silvery as the bright side of the moon.
The father enraged by what he had heard rushed with a knife readily in his hands. He cursed everything in his path as he approached the young gypsy. She had cowered in the corners of her bedchamber. The child lay blissfully on her breasts. The man’s veins were inflated with blood He saw the fair child in his wife’s breast and raised the blade. The child stirred and began to cry as if a primal fear had aroused in him to protect his young life. The man could not commit a sin, not to the woman he had sworn to be one with. He could not forget the indignity that he had received by this fair child. Doubt shrouded his judgment as he swung the blade toward the two innocent lives. The young gypsy could not move as she tried to understand what was happening. Her world began to collapse under her soles and she even began to doubt herself. “It will all be over soon my child.” She whispered to the small child in her arms as she awaited the final blow. The sound was not of death rather of a blade landing on the floor. The gypsy opened her eyes and what she saw was the back of the man she had cherished for the past ten months.

The gypsy ran out of her house and ran to the place where she had talked to the moon. When she got there she was out of breath and the small child in her bosom cried as if it was the last cry he would have.

“Traitorous moon, why…Oh… tell me why you have forsaken me?!” Asked the gypsy in despair.
The moon at once appeared before the gypsy. Her expressionless face filled the night’s sky.
“My child, what is it now that ails your heart?” The moon asked still in a warm voice of a mother. The gypsy removed the small child from her breast and presented him to the moon.
“This is your doing… is it not? No mortal man could have done this. What could you possibly want with a child made of flesh and blood?” Said the gypsy.
“Yes, the child’s appearance is my doing. I have only come for my pay. That child is my child not yours.” The moon answered calmly.
“I gave birth to him!” The gypsy was screaming to the moon above her.
“Yes, you have, but as we agreed when your husband was given to you, the child is now mine.”
“My husband is gone and I was left alone, please let me keep this child.” The gypsy implored. Her screaming of only moments ago was gone and now she was kneeling begging for her child’s life. The moon radiated a ray of light to the small child.
“I did not go back on my word and I will get my pay.” The small child was raised from her mother’s breast and rose to the sky.
“Now I know that it is not up to any man or woman to choose anything but to let God decide. Love is all around this blessed creatures and it is they alone who do not see this.” The moon disappeared with the child even before the night had truly ended. The gypsy was left crying her big, expressive eyes out.


Edited Version.

[Titania]

I don't have time to give a full crit at the moment (though I should be back) but... have you ever heard the song Hijo de la luna?

...

Okay, I'm back.

There's a lot of repetition in the first paragraph, especially of the words woman, gypsy, lady, etc... was that intentional? I would try and replace some of them with different words.

The moon, motionless as it was observed intently as this young woman dance her heart out to her. The young woman should be better described as a young lady. Not yet past the budding of her life.

comma after "observed", dance should be danced (just a typo there), and I'd put "Not yet past the budding of her life" at the end of the previous sentence rather than have it standing on its own. I don't really like the 'should be better described' bit because unless you have an intentionally unreliable narrator I don't think it really works to say 'no, it wasn't this, it was this'...

Forgive me the rewrite but if you're going to go that route I might say: "...as this young woman danced her heart out to her. No, not a young woman, a young lady, not yet past the budding of her life."

Just opinion as always...

Her dance filled with fervor was all that anyone could see and the moon took notice of this devote offering.

Is that supposed to be devoted?

Overall there's just a very interesting tone to this piece because of the way it's written. I actually can't decide if I like it or not.

She knew that it was indeed to the moon to whom she spoke.

To me this implies that the gypsy just spoke, and she hasn't yet, so you might want to switch that around; something along the lines of 'she knew it was indeed the moon she had just heard'

In the dialogue, to make it clearer you may want to offset all phrases naming whoever the person is talking to with commas. E.g.: "Oh great moon, overseer of the night,..."

The moon expecting the pay for her services as she had been promised.

As is it's not a sentence -- needs to be the moon expected.

As was said before the child was born healthy but he was as white as snow and his eyes were silvery as the bright side of the moon.

An odd beginning to a sentence... I'd just take it out.

The father enraged by what he had heard rushed with a knife readily in his hands. He cursed everything in his path as he approached the young gypsy. She had cowered in the corners of her bedchamber. The child lay blissfully on her breasts. The man now a volcano or rage as he saw the fair child in her wife’s breast raised the blade. The child stirred and began to cry as if a primal fear had aroused in him to protect his young life. The man could not commit a sin, not to the woman he had sworn to be one with. He could not forget the indignity that he had received by this fair child. Doubt shrouded his judgment as he swung the blade toward the two innocent lives. The young gypsy could not move as she tried to understand what was happening. Her world began to collapse under her soles and she even began to doubt herself. “It will all be over soon my child.” She whispered to the small child in her arms as she awaited the final blow. The sound was not of death rather of a blade landing on the floor. The gypsy opened her eyes and what she saw was the back of the man she had cherished for the past ten months.

The best advice I can give here is the age-old 'show, don't tell' rule -- don't tell me that he's a volcano of rage, demonstrate that with his actions. I'd probably add some more dialogue, even internal dialogue if you find that easier.

I your sad storyteller have passed this story forward. I have tried to piece all the pieces of this great story tried to rekindle that fire that was lost in time and now only whispers remain. Make no mistake that the young gypsy knew the errors of her ways in giving up her son, give up the unconditional love of a child for that of a fleeting dream. My reader let this story fall to deaf ears and let it ring true in you ears.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I really, really dislike it when a story's narrator tells me what to do. It's rather a pet peeve of mine. So I wasn't a particular fan of the way it ended, mainly due to that, and it just seemed a bit preachy to me (if a story does have a moral, I'd rather search for it or realize it myself than have it explicitly told to me).

That said, for a first short story as you said it was I think you have a good start, even if it could use some work. The biggest thing that struck me was that there was a lot of "The gypsy did this. The gypsy did that. The moon felt like this." all in a really straightforward tone. I think most readers would rather see action and emotion. I'm sorry if this came off as harsh at all, please remember that anything I say (with the possible exception of grammar) is simply opinion, and with that said I hope I was of some help.

Thank you for sharing.

[azaelkain]

Thanks titania. I think if youhave heard the song i did change it a bit but tried to stick to it. All your advice is right on. I think soon i will find the right balance soon. In my fiction i don't explain much and in my poetry and now short stories I explain to much. Thanks to you guys i might find it thanks.

[StephenDaedalus]

Way to be too harsh, Titania. Just kidding. Damn, you're just heartless. You seem like the type of person who would get really high on qaaludes, get in your truck, and do donuts on somebody's lawn. Yeah, that's you, you know it. Admit it.

Just kidding, of course. Azaelkain, your story was great. I really like it a lot. I liked the full personification of the moon. This fits into the category of "man, I wish I wrote that." In fact, don't be surprised if you see this story in a writing journal with my name on it. Just kidding, of course. I'm in a weird mood. I agree with Titania's critique, (even though she was insanely harsh) just switch over to "being in the moment" with every line, and show, don't tell. That last paragraph, has too much important info in it to be just one paragraph, you might want to "flesh it out."

[thickwig]

I can't say it better than Titania did. There were some grammatical and spelling mistakes, but I won't comment on them.

The narrator bit at the end really turned me off. That was going to be the first thing I was gonna comment on, but saw that Titania had already done it.

Other than that, I like the gentle pace at which the story moves. Good effort for the first one.

thickwig