My dreams glow

[super sorry]

My dreams glow in neon colors
which makes them so very hard to hide
but I sneak around with them anyway
and my dreams aren't allowed on planes,
the steel (unbendable, indestructable) sets off the alarms.
No one wants me to fly - 'cause they can't -
dreams can send me flying to never-never land
or whatever perverse childhood fantasy I want to revive.
This one swift night I tried to get with a girl
the neon colors killed the mood,
so she asked me to abandon my dreams.
I did.
I haven't been able to find them since.

[Andrew M Gold]

Instead of dreams, wouldn't she see them as color -- pertaining to the third to last line. I liked it but it was a lot of abstract and not a lot of concrete. The plane idea seemed to be a bit random and didnt exactly seem to fit.. i don't see the point of this line:
"No one wants me to fly - 'cause they can't -"

but that's first reaction. Good idea I think you could maximize with a different choice of words and maybe trimming some stuff off..

[zainab]

Nice write
About dreams^^

[super sorry]

Originally Posted by Andrew M Gold

Instead of dreams, wouldn't she see them as color -- pertaining to the third to last line. I liked it but it was a lot of abstract and not a lot of concrete. The plane idea seemed to be a bit random and didnt exactly seem to fit.. i don't see the point of this line:
"No one wants me to fly - 'cause they can't -"

but that's first reaction. Good idea I think you could maximize with a different choice of words and maybe trimming some stuff off..

In a lot of ways I agree with you. I just always like hearing other opinion, the plane bit was added after the rest, and I agree in re-reading it dosen't exactly fit.

Well, she asked him to abandon the colors, but the narator knows their dreams, so he translate it in a way, the line isn't being spoken by the girl, but related through the narrator, and I don't like how it sounds saying the colors. So, I think that bit still works.

Thanks both of you for the replies.

[goodgod43]

I like it. It's like walking with the outline of a yellow gun.

[HobGadling]

Originally Posted by goodgod43

I like it. It's like walking with the outline of a yellow gun.

Now that's abstract.

I like your poem, but I think it needs direction. I'm struggling to find the message. I get the sense that the poem is really about how you gave up your dreams for this girl, and yet you have lines don't seem to fit, like the airplane ones and this one:

No one wants me to fly - 'cause they can't -

And then you end it without explaining further. I think there's something you're trying to say here, but it's getting sidetracked by other thoughts.

EDIT: Nice icon, I love American Beauty.

I can only echo what others have said. There is a very good concept here with a loss of concrete structure. I agree that the plane analogy was random and doesn't seem to help. I think if you stay with the concept and try to make it flow from start to finish, you will have a very unique and good poem here.

[Andrew M Gold]

Just a suggestion. If you just start completely over, blank sheet of paper or w/e, and begin writing how you feel, you may get a better idea of what you're trying to say.. now that you've been given some crits. Usually when I do that it flows a lot better too because I don't stumble over my tongue or fingers, I just let the idea flow through the ruts it's already made in my head.

[AkinaTsuji]

Nice job, I enjoyed it. I love stuff about dreams, lol.

[riverwriter]

You have three distinct ideas here; perhaps each idea should have its own poem: dreams, relationship, planes.

If you want the concept to work as a single piece, you have to find a unifying principle. It is possible one of them, probabaly dreaming, can be the unifiying principle; but you will have to find a way to keep the unified piece coherent. Look at Gary's Christmas poem, "Tis the Season", as an example of how diverse concepts can fit into a single unified poem.

[super sorry]

Thank you all for the critiques, been a real help, and very kind.