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#1
12-07-2006, 11:02 AM
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Where the Lilacs Lay
Lilacs grow on the path below
As my heart beats slowly I run from the holy Cypress infected with vultures As I search for a cure My distains adore *(Chorus)* Hear the sound Of the sneering crows This is where the lilacs grow See what I found A starving lust Buried in all of us *(End Chorus)* And the pathway never looked so green Sanctimonious beings With diminished feelings Sing a song that will do no wrong Redundant paragons Prosaic words said As we watch the birds circle overhead *(Chorus 2x)* Te forest never looked so green Enthralled to know what it means Are you, Can you!!! *(Chorus)*
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To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Last edited by Oasis Writer : 12-13-2006 at 07:35 AM. 
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#2
12-12-2006, 09:00 AM
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Intersting...I think this is more fragamented from most of your normal works. Reminds me of one of my own songs "Angel's Cry" Here are some of my suggestions:
Lilacs grow on the path below As I heart beats slowly I run from the holy *(Chorus)* Hear the sound Of the sneering (lacks the sound sense) cackling crows This is where the lilacs grow See what I found A starving lust Barried ( did you mean buried?) in all of us Redundant paragons Prosaic (maybe prophethic instead) words said As we watch the birds circle over head The rest minus some minor grammartical error we are all faulty of is very thought provoking adn very surreal like state to it. I think the last part of the are you can you...lacks the persona of the narrative. Refrain from directly speaking to the audience in this case...let the narrative of the poem take them along for the ride without inviting them to do so. Maybe use the last lines to point out more of the obscurity of where the lilacs grow and the lack of knowing why per say. Good luck!
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Faith "A wise man will hear, and will increase learning..." Proverbs 1:5 "If all you remember, remember this: perfection runs far from the veins of humanity" me
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#3
01-10-2007, 07:17 AM
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hmmmm lilacs.
Love the images here
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#4
01-17-2007, 06:43 PM
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Really cool Devon, keep writing because you're a really good writer
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#5
01-23-2007, 10:43 AM
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Thanks everyone
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#6
01-24-2007, 05:49 PM
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I could feel a beat through the end-rhymes.
Though some of the words through me off. Somehow I don't get the feeling that the lyrics are of the lilacs but more of the birds. This may be what throws it off. It felt like a walk in the woods, humming to a rhyming stance. Careful with small errors. This next sentence gives me the impression you are running away from something and you are about to *#@%^%/#?* but you topped short I run from the holy seach for a cure for what? Getting rid of the birds. As I search for a cure I've searched high and low for this one, it completely threw me. My distains adore I've heard this being said about crows Sanctimonious beings With diminished feelings Sing a song that will do no wrong It may sound silly but it kind of feels like you've got two songs mixed in one. By putting more about the lilacs into the beat you could pull it off as your title indicates.
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#7
01-25-2007, 07:48 PM
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wow you have some beautiful images here! good work. Im excited to read more of your stuff
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#8
10-03-2007, 11:33 AM
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Thank you guys
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#9
01-06-2008, 03:02 PM
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Very interesting... I love the mental picture you get from reading it... Lilacs.... I love it... great work!
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#10
02-22-2008, 08:53 PM
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Thanks for the comment.
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#11
02-24-2008, 07:33 PM
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"Paragons?" Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw that word in a song lyric. This must be a poem.
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#12
02-25-2008, 11:24 AM
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lol - It started out as one, but T. Val. was right there singing it next to me and it just grew.
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#13
02-25-2008, 08:01 PM
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Wow, what was really quite visual.
I like the imagery, and the mood. It's great, thank you.
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#14
02-26-2008, 07:08 AM
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Thank you for the comments.
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#15
02-27-2008, 05:24 PM
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This really may be one of my favorites.
I love to read it over and over again. Sounds like you have a lot of experience in writing.
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#16
02-27-2008, 09:17 PM
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lol - Thanks, but I think it's just luck.
 I get lucky with great words, and I make them work for me.
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#17
03-02-2008, 05:54 PM
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The rhyme scheme is great..Really descriptive imagery..Great job!
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#18
03-02-2008, 06:02 PM
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Thank you very much.
I appreciate it a lot.
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