WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


The Bloom of an Unexpected Flower

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 11-02-2017, 03:33 PM
Birb (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 12
Thanks: 3
Thanks 6
Default The Bloom of an Unexpected Flower


Hey! I'm new here and this is the first thing that I'll be posting and I just wanna say...geez. I've read over some of your stuff and I have been honestly blown away from some of it...I look forward to being critiqued and critiquing you guys and hope for the best!

Another quick disclaimer: I'm new. That's not an excuse or asking for you to go easy, just an explanation. My grammar is probably some Frankenstein's monster of run-ons, fractures, abused commas, and ignorance and my stories probably have a bunch of holes. I hope that you'll bear with me and help me improve!

The Legend-

Long ago, as humans were recently created and still foreign to the earth, the Devil sought their ruin. He planted a seed in one of the humans and nurtured it until it blossomed into something that was built to tear down humanity. Creator saw this and went down to speak to the Devil.
“Why do you seek destruction upon my creation?”
“Surely they won’t be destroyed.” The devil replied.
“They will in spirit. Their souls will be corrupt.” Creator corrected. The Devil knew that the Creator was more powerful than him, so he thought and said to Creator-
“You created me with free will, as you created them with free will. I gave one power, it is to the human how it is used.”
Creator smiled knowingly at The Devil before responding.
“Yes, so I will create four enemies to your creation to retain balance.”
“Do you seek my undoing? Is my free will not uncontested?” The Devil cried, but the Creator shushed him.
“No, as your creation has free will mine will too,” Creator said.
“Then why do you make four? I only meddled in Human lives once.” The Devil accused.
“Power is corrupting, so I distributed the power you gave one human among four. We are still even.” The Devil tried to find a flaw in the Creator’s response but was unable. Both of them agreed and they left human lives. Over the years, the four humans blessed by Creator fought the human corrupted by The Devil. When all four humans and the corrupt died the blessings and the curse was passed to the next generation, and this continued as long as humans existed.

I sighed and closed the simple leather bound book that I had woken up with. I felt...different. Something was new, and I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. Some sickening feeling made me think that it had something to do with the book that I had clutched to my chest when I woke. I sat on the edge of my bed, unsure of what to do. Struggling with myself, I finally got up and made a simple web search. After brief research, my heart sunk. For some strange reason, a Facebook profile came up, along with a database filled with myths. I ignored the profile and went to the database. There was a simple alphabetical list with the names of several cultures. I started at A and clicked down, scanning over the stories. All of them were the same. The same story told from different cultures. Aborigine, Cherokee, Christian, Greek, Roman, Zulu. Each and every one. I felt cold fear grip my heart as I placed a hand on the soft leather bound book. What’s going on?

(A bit short, but it's just the beginning, I'll be posting the other stories i've written as I recieve feedback. Thanks for reading!)


Last edited by Birb; 11-02-2017 at 03:35 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-02-2017, 06:38 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,839
Thanks: 360
Thanks 846
Default The Bloom of an Unexpected Flower

😀






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Last edited by brianpatrick; 11-03-2017 at 08:32 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-02-2017, 06:43 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,839
Thanks: 360
Thanks 846
Default The Bloom of an Unexpected Flower

Iíll figure out how to add comments later

Last edited by brianpatrick; 11-03-2017 at 08:30 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to brianpatrick For This Useful Post:
Birb (11-03-2017)
  #4  
Old 11-03-2017, 02:11 AM
fleamailman's Avatar
fleamailman (Online)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 6,300
Thanks: 2,353
Thanks 3,777
Default

("...yay well done, it takes guts to put oneself out there like this, yet it's not tied together for me, so what are the four corruptions you speak of, and how does looking at facebook dishearten one..." inquired the goblin otherwise liking the work though, then adding "...seems you neither like adjectives nor conjunctions, so the effect is somewhat harsh but that's personal choice like most painting is, and either way I'm about the worst one possible to correct you now, so first you must paint to see how you paint...")
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to fleamailman For This Useful Post:
Birb (11-03-2017)
  #5  
Old 11-03-2017, 12:55 PM
Birb (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 12
Thanks: 3
Thanks 6
Default

(so, I don't quite understand what you mean by four corruptions? The Devil corrupted one human being to cause the fall of the human race, so The Creator instead divided up the power of the corrupted among four to combat this as the amount of power The Devil gave a single human easily corrupted them. The character's heart sunk because he is reacting after he has read the database. He ignores the facebook profile, but that will be explained later.

As for adjectives and conjunctions, the way I wrote the first half of the story I did that intentionally, as I have read a lot of mythological texts and that is how they are written from what I've seen. For the second half, it's just a coincidence, really.)
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Birb For This Useful Post:
fleamailman (11-03-2017)
  #6  
Old 11-03-2017, 01:09 PM
fleamailman's Avatar
fleamailman (Online)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 6,300
Thanks: 2,353
Thanks 3,777
Default

("...seems I misread it..." replied the goblin who would observe where it went from here)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-04-2017, 11:47 AM
Birb (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 12
Thanks: 3
Thanks 6
Default

Okay, it's been a couple days so I believe whoever wanted to critique did already. I'm gonna post the second part right here, I'm open to all criticism ofc.

The Dreamer


Ever since I was little, had the same recurring nightmare. In the dream was sitting on a stone slab, which was surrounded by a ceaseless field. I didn’t know how tall the slab was but knew that, sitting with my legs dangling off the edge, it was tall enough that my toes barely brushed the tips of the grassy earth. Each night I woke up like this, most of the time I was alone and ended up wandering the fields to no avail. It was just endless. Sometimes, however, a man appeared in these dreams. Always he would greet my as a friend, but I knew there was not but contempt beneath his warm hellos.

“Hello, Damian, it has been so long since we’ve spoken. You’ve been doing well, I hope?” The man greeted. He was around average height, if slightly on the short side, with sleek black hair that was combed to the side. He wore all grey business attire, a dress shirt, bow tie, and vest with grey dress pants and shoes. His eyes were a wicked green, and he always appeared to have the hint of a smirk resting on his lips. He looked completely normal, and as usual he sounded nearly genuine, save for a tiny sliver of ice.
“My answer is no, yet again.” I say, not bothering to hide the annoyance in my voice. The man’s eyebrow twitched, but his face remained pleasant.
“Did anyone ever tell you that it’s rude to talk over someone?” The man said, ice steadily creeping into his voice. I laughed, and slid around on the stone slab so my back was facing him.
“Might as well wake me up now, you’ve failed to convince me to help you at all.”
“Who said anything about convincing” I felt the air chill as his words hit me, each an icicle aimed towards my heart. “Did I convince you, all those years ago?” The memory hit me like a truck, and suddenly…

I woke up, my face resting against cool stone, and soon the chill spread across my entire torso. I realized I was shirtless, facedown against stone. I turned my head, and a sea of green unraveled before my eyes.
“Huh?” I asked aloud, trying to prop myself up. Panicked ensued as I realized that save for my head I couldn’t move an inch of my body. There was a sudden, musical humming from the opposite direction I was looking. With some difficulty I turned my head to see a man. The man was dressed fancily in all grey, except for a green apron and gloves.
“W-who are you?” I stammered, trying to sound somewhat brave. “Where am I?”
“You, my dear Damian, are dreaming. This place is a figment of your imagination that you fabricated upon your birth as I tailored you to my ultimate goal. This here, is your destiny, of course you won’t understand. You’re too young to understand. That is why I am only planting a seed.” He held up what looked like a shriveled black pea, as well as a knife. I could feel my heart hammering against the stone as I squirmed.
“Oh, I almost forgot, you asked who I was. Well, I am many things. But for now, I am a gardener.” I screamed as I felt the tip of the knife digging into my back, the agony of pain mixing with the cold of steel. I felt the man’s cold hand pushing against warm blood, and him shoving something into the gaping wound he tore into my back. It felt wrong. I could feel my body rejecting it, forcing it out, but black vines covered in red thorns burst from the wound, lacing it shut and winding out through my back. I screamed again, the feeling of the knife dwarfed by the thorns crawling in my skin. I managed to get my hand against the stone plate and forced downwards. To my surprise, the stone cracked and I tore my arm free. A chunk of skin came loose, but I barely felt it against the thorny vines digging into my back. I tore chunks out of the stone, pieces of the slab sticking to my torso as I jumped off of the slab and faced the man. I was covered in chunks of stone and blood, the wounds from which it was seeping already closing. The man smiled.
“Perfect.” He laughed, and faded from existence.

I gasped, the pain and shock still traveling up and down my body. A sickening laugh came from behind, and I tried to turn to face the man, but to my horror I couldn’t move. No, this couldn’t be happening. This is happening again, not again. The flashes of the knife, and the feeling of the cold metal against my skin were fresh in my mind. I let out a scream as I felt something cool touch the small of my back, my muscles contracting. I almost allowed myself a sigh of relief as the pain didn’t come, but a worse thought entered my mind. The same feeling I had that night, the first night that the man had appeared to me, had returned. Something felt very wrong. Pain rushed straight through my back, so intense that the power holding me still failed, and I dropped into the soft grass. I squeezed my eyes shut as I convulsed, feeling whatever foreign object that man had planted in me crawling further into my skin. It seemed to go on forever, each centimeter a year of agony. Finally, after a lifetime a chill slid up my spine.
“Hm, it appears you’ll be doing what I want after all. Good night, Damian.” The pure malice in the man’s voice was petrifying. A foot found its way into my vision, the man was looking down on me, a twisted grin on his face. The man chuckled one last time before he disappeared, a single red pedal the only reminder of his existence. Slowly, it fluttered to the ground, and where it landed a stalk twisted up from the ground. Soon, it budded and revealed a crimson flower. When that flower finished growing three more grew around it, then more around those, until the entire field was filled with a sea of scarlet. Shakily, I stood up barely able to keep my footing.
“My destiny.” I whispered, before the shrieking of an alarm tore into the vision.
__________________
You know, in the entire world there are 7 billion people. Think of those odds. When you think about it, how small of a chance we had of meeting here, you begin to believe in the whole destiny thing.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Birb For This Useful Post:
fleamailman (11-09-2017)
  #8  
Old 11-06-2017, 05:51 PM
Caligrafo (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
New Author
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Arizona
Posts: 5
Thanks: 1
Thanks 0
Default

This is a response to the story in its completion as of right now.

Honestly you have an imaginative idea if done right and thus far you seem to be fairing well. However, despite your imaginative mind, it seems you’re limited by how far your writing can take you. By this I’m not referring to your writing style as a whole but rather specific areas in grammar and literary techniques. What I mean is that you only go “far enough” and it never feels like you complete an idea.

To overcome this I suggest using words and phrases that are more descriptive to be bolder with your metaphors, also in the anxiety ridden areas use heavy alliteration to emphasize the agony of the characters, and thirdly, give some quirks to the characters, I know they’ve just been introduced but at least allude to aspects of them that will later be important or give them something to be memorable, what makes your Devil different from the thousand others? (This part is unrelated but parts of the story seem to be reminiscent of Tokyo Ghoul, I’m wondering if you were inspired by it in some form?) As for the grammatical mistakes, just read the story out loud, if something sounds off just find a way to correct it unless it’s meant to sound off. There was also a lot of unnecessary repetition and redundancies. (That’s an example of unnecessary repetition, the word redundancy literally means unnecessary repetition. I found a few lines in the story similar to this.)

For positives, as I previously mentioned the idea is pretty creative, despite variations of it existing. Also I loved how you paralleled the story in the introduction with the story you’re telling, and the transition of it being what the main character was reading was really smooth.

Keep up the good work.
-Caligrafo
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-09-2017, 06:23 AM
Luciaphile (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 38
Thanks: 9
Thanks 9
Default

Interesting and very intense. Did you mean to leave off the I in the first two sentences? The third sentence is way too awkward and could lose the first part, so that it would read "Sitting with my legs dangling off the edge, the slab was tall enough that my toes barely brushed the tips of the grassy earth." Or something like that. I wished that there were more paragraph breaks just so it would be easier to read. Your description of pain is amazingly wrenching!
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Compliments of the Author: Debbie Bumstead
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Flower That Ascended Away (1049 Words) Yonathan1 Fiction 0 08-13-2016 12:38 PM
How was my writing? JackWriter Fiction 7 08-18-2014 06:16 PM
Excerpt From a Fairy Tale FrameOfDust Fiction 4 05-20-2013 07:15 PM
Slipstream Story Opening - The Flower Salesman Roy G. Biv Fiction 18 07-28-2010 06:16 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:52 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.