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Crack Your Memory

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  #1  
Old 09-26-2017, 02:43 AM
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Default Crack Your Memory


Memory has a behind angle—
Tis somewhat like a facade,—
It has the view of a castle,
'Tis the long faces and turrets
For refuge, a mouse!
Besides the darkest cellar;—
That any the mason ever made,—
Search unto its depthless summons;
To thineself, be it ever in pursuit;
To thy artist, be it ever drawn…
Ne’er in the line of the decay;
In pursual, be ye memories—
All happy in its used-up estate.

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Old 09-27-2017, 07:07 AM
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I was rolling on the floor laughing at the first line, and crying at the last. It works, though had I written it I would have used some stronger metaphor. ( The D & D veteran in me says: You put in a castle but no dragon? What were you thinking? Conversely such could strike as a conventionalism treading on the heels on cliche. It's a split decision. )

Something in me needs a bit more from it, but well done.
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Old 09-27-2017, 09:42 PM
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thanks! i guess you think it's short? i think the images are the metaphor for something so short... no? thanks for reading. i like your comment.
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Old 09-28-2017, 06:00 AM
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("...reads well..." went the goblin, adding "...why the mouse though...")
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Old 09-28-2017, 02:25 PM
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Persistant use of 'T'is' and 'Ye'
Does not enhance your poetry.
Mute the Shakespeare in your head,
the language and the man are dead.

I love your rich and sweet description.
An artist splashing fluent fiction.
I'm sure that others will concur
It's ruined by your use of 't'were'.

There's so much that I can commend,
but as your peer and trusted friend
I swear I only tell the truth...
old English robs you of your youth x
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Old 09-28-2017, 06:19 PM
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lol gracey... i love olden tongue. no one can deny me of them. not even someone as sweet and charming as you! thanks for reading.
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Old 09-29-2017, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by chat bot View Post
lol gracey... i love olden tongue. no one can deny me of them. not even someone as sweet and charming as you! thanks for reading.
No, I won't deny you Chat....but I'd rather you heard this shit from me than a potential publisher in a rejection letter.

Oh well... thy will be done as it t'were
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Old 10-02-2017, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by chat bot View Post
thanks! i guess you think it's short? i think the images are the metaphor for something so short... no? thanks for reading. i like your comment.
Probably I am stating my own preference for poetry with more action in it. I have poems like this in that they are a snapshot or still life that speak to a single thought or emotion. I also have a small number of unfinished works because my muse saw the poetry in something but could not latch onto a story to go with it. Upon reflection perhaps at my age of fifty seven, the subtleties of life are fading in significance.

The ephemeral nature of memory is perhaps worth a longer more illustrative work?
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Old 10-02-2017, 10:30 PM
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naw, mang. i like down to earth contrasting with old english. but i'm not spilling all my secrets. got a book up my sleeves.
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Old 10-04-2017, 08:47 AM
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@the goblin, i didn't see ya there!!!!! a mouse because of layers of the consciousness and you don't know what's lurking at the bottom... did i capture it right for you to understand? i thought it sounded pleasing. oh and i love mice.
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Old 11-15-2017, 04:50 AM
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Sure enjoyed reading both poem and comments. Personally I liked the mouse, though it did stop me for a moment. Also I like Grace's poetical comment on thee and t'were. I would agree, though this is a poem about a castle, so seems to fit.
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