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A million points of light - less one

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  #1  
Old 10-15-2015, 05:19 PM
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Default A million points of light - less one


They're so far out of touch
with you and I, the
politicians and the generals

Their decisions about how to
manage our lives result in
grotesque machinations

Machinations that precipitate
an ever increasing swath
of suffering

Some of us look to our gods
for relief

Some of us look to a bottle,
powder or pill

Many simply ask: "What
should I do next, my nanny?"
while wishing things would
get better

We all know the planet is stressed

Every summer is hotter than the last

Melting glacier water being
polluted faster than it can
replenish potable H2O

World population beset by hunger,
disease, the killing of wars
as it increases to the
top off point in 2050


The official U.S. Air Force
policy is to no longer
investigate UFO sightings

So maybe, just maybe,
one of those glitters in the
night sky is something other
than the flickering of another
place burning out


"Hope, the last thing to die"
is a Russian saying

What I'm saying is I
ain't optimistic but I
ain't despaired

For now -
and a Syrian refugee
baby floats up onto the rocky
Grecian shore

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  #2  
Old 10-15-2015, 07:13 PM
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The official U.S. Air Force
policy is to no longer
investigate UFO sightings
It get's pretty interesting here, where it gets poignant and really speaks to the randomness and cruelty of the world in the context of current events.

But up to this point, it's kind of a populist "tell it like it is" rant; either preaching to the choir or alarmist and condescending, depending on your point of view.

Cut out the first 10 stanzas and I think you've really got the begining of something that can transcend cable-ready editorializing.

Last edited by Binx B; 10-15-2015 at 11:33 PM..
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Old 10-17-2015, 04:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Binx B View Post

But up to this point, it's kind of a populist "tell it like it is" rant; either preaching to the choir or alarmist and condescending, depending on your point of view.
The point of view I see the piece portraying is laconic lament.
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Old 10-17-2015, 04:59 AM
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I (enjoyed is the wrong word) appreciated this. The last stanza was a bit off, though. What about something like this:

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
For now -
Despair can't be too far away
When
a Syrian refugee
baby floats up onto the rocky
Grecian shore
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Old 10-17-2015, 05:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
The point of view I see the piece portraying is laconic lament.
I can see that. But there's a fine line between a lament, a rant, editorializing or just garden variety complaining.

But it doesn't really matter which it is as long as there's some attempt to say it in a way that's different from what we're all constantly seeing and hearing from the media or from a cab driver or whoever; or in some way other than how it crosses your mind with some regularity if you're paying attention to what's going on in the world.

So I'm talking about making it poetic, with inventive language or imagery etc., or maybe personalizing it somehow. You do get around to that eventually, so I'm just suggesting your start with or somehow boil it down to that etc.
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Old 10-17-2015, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by pswgear View Post
I (enjoyed is the wrong word) appreciated this. The last stanza was a bit off, though. What about something like this:
Thanks for giving it some thought and a suggestion.

The last stanza is intended to be flow inconsistent.

It is intended to illustrate the inconsistency of a war displaced baby's body being borne in on the ever present normal waves.

There is more intended with the last stanza composition.

It is difficult to discern line, the one between appearing to defend a piece and simply offering deeper clarification of its aspects.


For me the most chilling part of the entire work is now knowing the world population will continue to increase for another thirty five years.

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 10-17-2015 at 06:30 AM..
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Old 10-17-2015, 06:02 AM
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The last stanza is intended to be flow inconsistent.
Right, I'm just not sure it works. It's so jarring it just seems wrong, especially given that the poem is played so straight.
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Old 10-17-2015, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
For me the most chilling part of the entire work is now knowing the world population will continue to increase for another thirty five years.
What's going to happen thirty five years from now?
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Old 10-17-2015, 07:12 AM
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Originally Posted by poirot View Post
What's going to happen thirty five years from now?
"global population is expected to level off at somewhere between 9.1 and 9.3 billion humans on the planet by about 2050."

pages 28/29
Out of the Mountains
David Kilcullen

He is referring to a United Nations report that he provides a link to.

I suspect the environment will be unable to provide sustenance beyond the 9.3 billion number.


"Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men"
Charles Bukowski
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Old 10-17-2015, 07:23 AM
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Or people will be so busy enjoying the 45th year of Dancing with the Stars that we'll stop having sex.
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Old 10-17-2015, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Binx B View Post
Or people will be so busy enjoying the 45th year of Dancing with the Stars that we'll stop having sex.

I'm thinkin' not all third world women have that show available in their living quarters.

Wanna guess what religion will have the most people in it by then?
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Old 10-17-2015, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by pswgear View Post
Right, I'm just not sure it works. It's so jarring it just seems wrong, especially given that the poem is played so straight.

It is intended to use the straight played lines as a springboard into the wrong, jarring reality of a baby body being borne shoreward.

Uh, you do know that refugee Syrian baby bodies have washed ashore in Libya and Turkey, right?
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Old 10-17-2015, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Binx B View Post
I can see that. But there's a fine line between a lament, a rant, editorializing or just garden variety complaining.

But it doesn't really matter which it is as long as there's some attempt to say it in a way that's different from what we're all constantly seeing and hearing from the media or from a cab driver or whoever; or in some way other than how it crosses your mind with some regularity if you're paying attention to what's going on in the world.

So I'm talking about making it poetic, with inventive language or imagery etc., or maybe personalizing it somehow. You do get around to that eventually, so I'm just suggesting your start with or somehow boil it down to that etc.




I get what you are saying about being poetic.
Having written (or, as some may opine, failed at attempting to write) many poetic from start to finish pieces in previous work I tend to look towards evolving from a cliche' of me to a thing yet undefined.


One example is taking the Thousand points of light rap of a previous president and evolving it to what is presented as a title.

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 10-17-2015 at 08:29 AM..
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Old 10-18-2015, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
It is intended to use the straight played lines as a springboard into the wrong, jarring reality of a baby body being borne shoreward.

Uh, you do know that refugee Syrian baby bodies have washed ashore in Libya and Turkey, right?
*rolls eyes*

Yes, I know that. You describing a dead child floating in the ocean is jarring enough in it's own right without the weird syncopation you've got going on in that last line. In my opinion.
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Old 10-18-2015, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by pswgear View Post
*rolls eyes*

Yes, I know that. You describing a dead child floating in the ocean is jarring enough in it's own right without the weird syncopation you've got going on in that last line. In my opinion.

I thank you for all your consideration and typed response, pswgear.

The last line, what I refer to as the nailer, is a present representation of what I meant when I noted (in an exchange with Binx B, #13) that I am in the process of evolving from a cliche' of me (I do believe I have written pieces that fit within the form you are asking the last line to be shaped towards. Perhaps Keep on Writing or How Primitive support that statement.) to a thing yet undefined.


Thanks again for posting your opinion.
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Old 10-19-2015, 12:46 AM
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I forget where I read it, but the year is "ending" sooner and sooner. This year the year's resources were used by mid August or September.

On a different kind of forum where I also read and occasionally post, someone brought up an example of a newborn baby that has only a 24% chance of surviving and all the life saving, though painful, procedures being done. I can't help but think it would be better to let the child live only briefly, but without pain, than to suffer and die anyway. I know some will argue that it's callous, but a parent of a child who had the same condition voiced the same opinion (saving me a blasting). It's hard on the parents to watch the suffering.

I wonder what will happen when that breaking point is reached.
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Old 10-19-2015, 03:15 AM
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Originally Posted by poirot View Post

I wonder what will happen when that breaking point is reached.

I must wait until this body is 98 years of age to learn such an answer.

If the intelligent life contact date of 2040 holds true it would, potentially, skew the original 2050 prediction.

Hmm, 88th birthday. A couple of infinity signs. I may never get to the other side.

Oh, the contact could be the other side opening a door back to here.

For such creative thinking I gave up drinking?
I'm sure I was not sober when that decision was made.
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Old 10-19-2015, 09:25 AM
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So maybe, just maybe,
one of those glitters in the
night sky is something other
than the flickering of another
place burning out

I guess that's hope? "I like it" he says, reaching for the bottle.
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Old 10-19-2015, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by kev View Post
So maybe, just maybe,
one of those glitters in the
night sky is something other
than the flickering of another
place burning out

I guess that's hope? "I like it" he says, reaching for the bottle.



Wiki this:
KIC8462852

"C'mon over and check out my Dyson swarm."
(Alien good neighbor invitation line to energy beleaguered humanoid civilization)
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Old 10-19-2015, 02:14 PM
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Followed the link, Nick. Saw a projected image yesterday, by an artist of how the boffin's think it would look like from closer in. (Quirker, or similar spelling, online paper/mag ) I think the photo was in. a massive ring
surrounding a star to harness energy. The article suggested it was built by an ancient civilisation. ............................Are they really out there? Maybe, but I think not. I think we want them to be and hope they will guide us to not screw up the next place we inhabit.
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Old 04-12-2017, 03:41 PM
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Just gettin' this Syria stuff up front, old P.

Bothers me when I don't respond to events.




What's that?
Someone else needs my seat?

Okay. I ain't gonna fight about it.
Not like I have any guarantee this flight is gonna land in one piece, do I?

No, no- that ain't a terrorist threat.
Jeez, some people are so sensitive.
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Old 04-12-2017, 08:52 PM
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The news showed footage of a Syrian father clutching his dead infant twins to his chest. Both tightly swaddled in white. Perfect, doll-like faces that never flickered as their father tried to rock and squeeze them back to life. His eyes were fixed ahead with the vacant, white-noise-and-static stare of the disconnected. I watched this man haemorrhage pain in my kitchen whilst I spooned in my second bowl of muesli.

The chemical concoction that killed them would have silently made those pristine new lungs bubble like old paint under a blow torch. Pure evil – edited to accommodate my morning schedule between breakfast and brushing my teeth.

Nick, I can’t honour that man with words as hollow as ‘sympathy’. He’s taken a grenade to the heart – and I feel it no more deeply than a papercut on my conscience. My own loved and lost slipped into death like a warm bath. His babies were drowned in acid.

I want to sit on a high rock, throw my head back and make the plaintive cry of a wolf. It would voice a far deeper sentiment than words ever can.
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Old 04-12-2017, 08:59 PM
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Just sat with your words for a while. It says all the stuff that is caught in my throat like a fur ball. I can give it no more critique than - in this moment - it's perfect.
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Old 06-19-2017, 03:46 AM
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Inspiring words. Hope one day I'll be able to write such an amazing piece. But now, being a student, I understand that assignmentwriitng is really useful for us. It helps improving our writing skills and each time we can discover something new from professional writers.

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Old 06-20-2017, 12:24 AM
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So, here's what I think. Your writing is a kind of narrative poetry with elements of metafiction. So, this piece is true to your style. But I agree that the last stanza feels wrong. I would add another element to the Nick mix and create a song-like element, a chorus. This is what you have today.

For now -
and a Syrian refugee
baby floats up onto the rocky
Grecian shore

I would make "For now - a Syrian refugee" the chorus, and in the last stanza, you can add the rest. That way, the chorus becomes a Leitmotif and yet is still jarring when you reveal the whole thought at the end of the poem. Put the chorus in wherever you see fit.

Also, I didn't like the alien stanzas. I liked that we were bound with the fate we created in all of the other stanzas and didn't like the idea of Deus ex machina. To me, it weakened the connection between our actions and choices and the consequences they generate.

I think that you are in a very strong refinement phase, and I really enjoy the recent Nick creations. Just my thoughts. Good job Nick!!
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Old 06-20-2017, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by KBR View Post
So, here's what I think. Your writing is a kind of narrative poetry with elements of metafiction. So, this piece is true to your style. But I agree that the last stanza feels wrong. I would add another element to the Nick mix and create a song-like element, a chorus. This is what you have today.

For now -
and a Syrian refugee
baby floats up onto the rocky
Grecian shore

I would make "For now - a Syrian refugee" the chorus, and in the last stanza, you can add the rest. That way, the chorus becomes a Leitmotif and yet is still jarring when you reveal the whole thought at the end of the poem. Put the chorus in wherever you see fit.

Also, I didn't like the alien stanzas. I liked that we were bound with the fate we created in all of the other stanzas and didn't like the idea of Deus ex machina. To me, it weakened the connection between our actions and choices and the consequences they generate.

I think that you are in a very strong refinement phase, and I really enjoy the recent Nick creations. Just my thoughts. Good job Nick!!
Thoughtful comments. Thank you.

I looked up metafiction then reread this piece that I first posted two years ago and see that all the lines are factual to my perception.

What parts read as fake news to you?


And if by strong refinement phase you are referencing my most current work Yes I completely agree.


a kind of narrative poetry- I like that.
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