WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Peanut-Free

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:18 AM
beefheart's Avatar
beefheart (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 521
Thanks: 0
Thanks 164
Default Peanut-Free


Owen O'Connor was in the second grade at Jennings Elementary. He was a nice boy and a good student. He got straight "O's" on his report cards. ("Outstanding.") He played soccer on the recreational team and dreamed that maybe one day, when they actually assigned positions, he might be the goalie. He got along well enough with the other kids, but there was something special about Owen that often made him feel alienated; Owen had a severe peanut allergy.

His mother, Ann, always made a big fuss of it which embarrassed Owen. She was a chief member of the school's PTA and had never missed a meeting. Even when she had the flu she went--and coughed up her flu germs all over the facilities; the other mother's in attendance nervously Purelled their hands to avoid it, but the germs went on to infect many young children at school the following day. Anyway, Owen's mother was a huge pain in the ass at the meetings and always managed to deter the conversation to herself and her son’s peanut allergy.

One thing that Owen's mother had rallied for was a peanut-free table in the school's cafeteria, that way her son would never have to worry about coming in contact with the toxic peanut oils. So a table was then designated with a laminate sign taped to the middle that read, "Peanut-Free Table." It might as well have read, "Owen's Table," because he'd have to sit there alone. Sometimes their teacher Miss Daily would force other kids to sit with him and they obliged, begrudgingly.

Sometimes Owen wished he'd die of an allergy attack when he was made to suffer, alone on his island in the school cafeteria.

Owen's mother always volunteered when parents were asked to help out in the classroom. She was appointed to run the school's annual "Halloween Spooktacular." She spent many evenings on the phone coordinating details, or unpacking boxes full of plastic novelties (vampire fangs, spider rings, etc.) that had been shipped from China. Owen realized his mother was more excited about the Spooktacular than he was.

And so finally the big day arrived, Owen and his mother went to school; she dressed as a witch with her face painted green, and he as a little cowboy. Owen had initially wanted to be "Scream"--the mask with the blood-pumping mechanism, but his mother had told him, "Certainly not, it's practically Satanic and you'll scare the other children."

The event was going swell; apple-bobbing, fortune-telling, bean-bag tosses and monster mash. The whole thing was running like clockwork UNTIL Mrs. Saxx, his classmate Sam's mother, entered with a plate of cookies. Innocently enough, she placed the tray of cookies amongst the spread and unwrapped them. Owen's mother came over to say hello...then suddenly shrieked in horror. "Are those PEANUT BUTTER chips?!" They were. "Are you KIDDING me Charlotte? You've just compromised all of the baked goods by introducing your poison cookies to the table!"

A fight broke out. The two women kept screaming and hollering at one another, then Owen's mom flipped the tray of cookies and they were all over the floor. Mr. Cox, the principle, came in and asked Mrs. O'Connor to leave.


************************************************** **********************************

Owen's mother grappled with a large wine and cheese gift basket as she made her way out the door. It was a PTA peace offering. "Do your homework, and no TV. I'll be back at 8. " She climbed into the Chevy Suburban and drove off. Owen put on his sneakers, grabbed his piggy-bank full of change and walked to the corner store.

The clerk smiled during the whole transaction, which took about five minutes as the young boy sorted through his change.

Owen got home, went to the bathroom and took off all his clothes. He climbed into the bathtub, cold and naked. He proceeded to smear peanut butter all over his sad, little body. He cried.

His skin went bright red under the brown smears of peanut butter. His eyes went red too, all full up of tears. He screamed and sobbed and made awful choking noises.

Mrs. O'Connor got home shortly after.



Last edited by beefheart; 03-13-2014 at 10:52 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:24 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,686
Thanks: 1,949
Thanks 1,262
Default

Is it "deter" the conversation or detour the conversation that you intend?

Oh what the hell- in for a penny, in for a pound.

"herself and he son's peanut"

I know you would rather 'herself and her son's peanut'.

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 05-24-2013 at 11:30 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:30 AM
beefheart's Avatar
beefheart (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 521
Thanks: 0
Thanks 164
Default

Nah, this time I actually meant "deter." Thanks though.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:33 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,686
Thanks: 1,949
Thanks 1,262
Default

Originally Posted by beefheart View Post
Nah, this time I actually meant "deter." Thanks though.
You're welcome and it looks like I was typing the edit when you were responding.

I will F.O. now.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-24-2013, 11:39 AM
beefheart's Avatar
beefheart (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 521
Thanks: 0
Thanks 164
Default

Don't F.O! Tell me what you think old man!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-24-2013, 03:36 PM
francienolan's Avatar
francienolan (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 29
Thanks: 5
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

I dont know if it was intended, but I knew that that exact ending was coming when I read the line, "Sometimes Owen wished he'd die of an allergy attack when he was made to suffer, alone on his island in the school cafeteria."

If that's your intention, you win.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-24-2013, 04:54 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,686
Thanks: 1,949
Thanks 1,262
Default

Originally Posted by beefheart View Post
herself and he son’s peanut allergy.
"he" should be 'her', right?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-28-2013, 10:31 AM
beefheart's Avatar
beefheart (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 521
Thanks: 0
Thanks 164
Default

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
"he" should be 'her', right?
Yes, sir. Thank you for your keen eye.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-28-2013, 10:38 AM
AndroidAtNight's Avatar
AndroidAtNight (Offline)
Profusive Denizen
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 274
Thanks: 127
Thanks 62
Default

Nice! Dark and funny and thought provoking at the same time.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-28-2013, 11:01 AM
Pliable Writer (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: California
Posts: 14
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default

I was entertained through to the end. Nice job.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 05-28-2013, 12:44 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,686
Thanks: 1,949
Thanks 1,262
Default

Originally Posted by beefheart View Post
Yes, sir. Thank you for your keen eye.
Yer welcome.

Ahh, at the risk of gettin' simian scat flung my way, you did read the definition of "deter", right?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-28-2013, 01:09 PM
beefheart's Avatar
beefheart (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 521
Thanks: 0
Thanks 164
Default

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Yer welcome.

Ahh, at the risk of gettin' simian scat flung my way, you did read the definition of "deter", right?
Yes!

de·ter

/diˈtər/
Verb
  • Discourage (someone) from doing something, typically by instilling doubt or fear of the consequences.
  • Prevent the occurrence of.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to beefheart For This Useful Post:
Nick Pierce (05-28-2013)
  #13  
Old 05-28-2013, 04:36 PM
RabbitInTheSuit (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: A Rock and a Pillow
Posts: 672
Thanks: 186
Thanks 120
Default

No one else can fool with my emotions quite like you Beef. Seriously, I actually cried a little at the end. And that, fellow Beaters, is called powerful writing.

Sure, you can call it what you want, but this piece is solid and vintage Beefheart. As a fan, I have to say that this was your best piece to date.

Good work and please keep it up.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-28-2013, 04:43 PM
AndroidAtNight's Avatar
AndroidAtNight (Offline)
Profusive Denizen
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 274
Thanks: 127
Thanks 62
Default

Read it again and I absolutely love it,

One thing I noticed was the style felt maturely written but for a younger audience through out, aside from the odd swear word. For me the ending was all the more pathetic (pathos, not saying it's shit!) because it was a surprise and the style evoked his youth and the odd swear word broke that feeling for me slightly. But just my two cents!
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-28-2013, 04:44 PM
RabbitInTheSuit (Offline)
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: A Rock and a Pillow
Posts: 672
Thanks: 186
Thanks 120
Default

Put forward for Member's Choice. Good luck, Beef, you deserve it.

http://www.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=44867
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-11-2013, 03:27 AM
vickinicole's Avatar
vickinicole (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 32
Thanks: 0
Thanks 4
Default

great read, I know this is fiction but it's sad. Did he just want to die because his mother made a big deal of the peanut allergy? How awful.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-11-2013, 04:55 AM
JP_Inkswell's Avatar
JP_Inkswell (Offline)
Scribbling Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Old Virginny
Posts: 885
Thanks: 24
Thanks 217
Default

I hereby put forth the hypothothis that Ms. Beefheart is Rod Serling reincarnated.
__________________
"Life is fiction. Write it well.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Only One (Hold Us Close) OberonOrion Lyrics 1 06-11-2012 09:03 PM
Free will Jinjonator Scripts 2 08-29-2011 12:26 PM
9&60 Ways - Free Verse ("tennis without a net") HoiLei Nine and Sixty Ways – Poetry Tools and Lessons 7 01-22-2010 08:35 PM
Staying free in the land of the free JackStraw Lyrics 1 04-20-2006 03:19 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:49 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.