Intensive Care Unit

[BleedinHeart]

The sound of intubation gurgles out
From the conscious man gagging next door.
I take comfort with another's misery,
Saying at least I'm not that bad off.
Lying in a thirty thousand dollar bed that could
Tie me into pretzels when all I need is horizontal.
Shitting in a thirty dollar bedpan one inch thick.
Tell me about distress.
A strange lack of priority lives here
Among the dying.
I have trouble not thinking about sex.
Are you in any pain, dear? the angels ask.
Compared to what? I reply.
Morphine and dimenhydrinate are indiscriminant lovers.
Injected and spent I drift slowly through the floor.
I'm out to Progressive Care in two days;
My neighbour never makes it.

[maylet]

i can really understand what you mean with poem.
it's really nice, i like it

[riverwriter]

Talk about cynical! — or is it stoic?

You really dug into the mine of patient hospital experience. In some ways, the piece seems abrupt, as if you could expand it.

I drift slowly through the floor.

— I get that the drugs put you out so that you sink down into the floor, but I am wondering if you meant that you wandered around dazed with your IV?

A strange lack of priority lives here
Among the dying.
I have trouble not thinking about sex.
Are you in any pain, dear? the angels ask.
Compared to what? I reply.

— this is a goldmine. I like the incongruity of the preoccupation with sex: it's true! And the glib remark about pain: everyone's a comedian; I know.

The ending is the most abrupt part, and I wonder what the effect is: do you dismiss the experience? It's as if you have built up to something profound and ducked it. This has the potential to be a powerful piece — it's pretty poignant as it is — but it seems to dodge the bullet of real poignancy.

[TrippinBTM]

I tend to agree with riverwriter, about the ending. It is pretty abrupt, and there's a bit of let-down there, since the rest of the poem was very thoughtful. I feel like I've been left hanging.

But also, he's right about it being a goldmine. I was thinking the same thing about the part he quoted, I loved it.

[druidkat7]

Well, I will say your poem had the desired effect on me, at least: it reminded of me of how unnerving hospitals can be--especially when there are people who are intensely ill that remain in ICU or long-term cancer care.

Your line about not being able to think about sex was kind of funny, especially when followed by the line "Are you in any pain?" It was quite ironically comical.

Actually, I rather liked the abrupt ending of "My neighbor didn't make it." I think it serves as a reminder that we can exit this world any time, without warning, which, to me, makes your previous line about sex all the more a reminder that we shouldn't waste life thinking about the fact of mortality, but instead think about the fact that we have a life to live--and lying around in a hospital is not conducive to that, obviously enough.

Enough of the analysis--I enjoyed your poem a lot...

Oh, just a question to the mods--how do we use the rating system at the top of the reply/critique pages?

BB,
Kat ^.^

I've spent a fair amount of time standing beside the bed watching what your described but thankfully have never been there myself. This was kind of like driving by a bad car wreck. You don't want to look but yet you can't look away. You kept up drawn in with interest. I do agree with some of the others that the ending seemed very abrupt.

[kal]

I agree, very abrupt. But what you have is good.. cynical yes.. but you can't be upbeat all the time I guess.

I'm awful at fixing other people's poetry so I won't even try. But I suggest expanding on this.

Good work.

[<3Saje<3]

I agree with just about everyone. I'm not going to critique it because that just isn't my forte, so I'm not going to try.

But on any other note, I really liked this one. Great job.

[kellykat60409]

i liked it very much, but i agree about the end being abrupt. that is about how far i will go, since poetry is not my strong point.

[riverstone]

Hi Kellykat

You have captured the sigghts and sounds of the hospital so well.

I think that the last two lines have a different feel than the rest of the piece. They feel like a different poem or at least a different verse. I think the poem is very strong without those two lines, and that the change in style weakens it. If you can re-write those lines so they are more weighty, it would improve the poem, (IMHO, of course.) Another way to approach it would be to add a line of space befiore those lat lines or add a line that transtions the speaker from drifting to being present before he or she moves to Progressive Care.

I wonder about a companion poem - the family of the patient next door who resents the wellness that comes suddenly to this patient....

Keep on writin'!