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Twelve Stormy Hours-Conclusion

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  #1  
Old 06-30-2012, 03:02 PM
Phoenix Lazarus (Offline)
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Default Twelve Stormy Hours-Conclusion


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Old 06-30-2012, 10:23 PM
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Jesus Christ, Pheonix ...

This was fucking awesome. This story had everything, a complicated protagonist, a perfect storm of tragedy, twists ...

where is this town? This is the worst place to live on the planet ...

You know I value storytelling over anything else right? This piece has storytelling, and anything else as well...

It feels like everything you write is based on the novel "Push" by Saphire.

I really hate this guy, is this charector gonna appear anywhere else? Is that clothes ripping thing based on a real killer?

Well done, I'll nominate the shit out of this if the first post was before june 15th ...
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:12 PM
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This was an excellent conclusion. You certainly know how to make a plot interesting from start to finish which is admirable. Looking forward to more from you.
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Old 07-07-2012, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by RisingSun View Post
This was an excellent conclusion. You certainly know how to make a plot interesting from start to finish which is admirable. Looking forward to more from you.
check out Friday suprise, should be able to find it my clicking on Pheonix's profile ...
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Old 07-09-2012, 02:30 AM
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What a twist! I am sick to my stomach! Jayne was worse than roofied-bad luck.

Looking up, she saw that the illumination that had appeared issued from a polished, wooden, candle-filled chandelier, replete with teardrop-shaped crystals, hung from the ceiling.
I can't put my finger on it, but this sentence just reads awkwardly at the red part.
I think it would be better if you tried hangingfrom the ceiling.

Jayne recognised the figure, on which stood the table top, and which in turned stood on a square gold base, as an effigy depicting Cupid, the boy-god of love.
Again, I don't quite know what exactly is wrong with the red part, not sure what you mean.
Try on which the table top was mounted,

I feel a bit stupid commenting on your work-you are a much better writer than me. Anyway, hope I help.
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