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Old 06-25-2012, 11:22 AM
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Default She


She’s a writer, a radical, a fighter
She’s got a bad bark, but you know she ain’t a biter
Never thought of any graduation
Writing for the feeling, seeking publication
She needs a breakthrough, to pay accommodation
She isn’t earning shit, behind on her taxation
Next thing you know she’s facing allegation
Pleading guilty to a jury, blames her desperation

Now, she’s a
Gun runner, rebel and a stunner
Whoring round town, let the wives know that he done her
Bikini body, a mannequin for figure
No commodity of modesty, a finger on the trigger
Crop top and a cutout for the cleavage
Motel lover, by the morning burning bridges
Wallet stealer, weasel wheeler-dealer
A street-smart gal, keeps a man in her tequila
A wild-stallion, undomesticated
Never slowing down, always intoxicated
She works the ghetto, boot-heel stiletto
She satisfies the guys with an orgasm libretto
She got a tramp-stamp tattoo, addicted to taboo
Very different girl from her seventeen debut

All she ever wanted, was a book in publication
Instead she found out that drugs were her salvation
I guess all writers are damned to a death by suffocation.

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Last edited by Ink; 06-25-2012 at 11:26 AM..
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:19 PM
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Well, it's all cool top to bottom. Fantastic rhythm, in your face content; I got started at the front and got shot out the back. I'll be back for another slide.
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Old 06-25-2012, 01:03 PM
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Reminds me of the rhythm from a Chili Peppers song.
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Old 06-25-2012, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Allya View Post
Reminds me of the rhythm from a Chili Peppers song.
WAHAYYYY, cat's out the bag.
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Old 06-25-2012, 02:32 PM
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The writing is, of course, superb. Pacing is phenomenal. Very easy to finish. I got a little sidetracked because you have commas and caps but no periods. It's trendy to leave them out, but accentuating fullstops on this one might work in your favor. Total breathing rests at the end of sentences might earmark the suffocation at the end. Leave it ragged, instead of flowing so river-run. Just a thought. I know, I know. Punctuation is optional, and just for traditionalists. But conventions last for a reason. It really accentuates meaning and rhythmic tendencies. It could even make the final a touch more tragic and less expected, because it's less artsy. You don't expect the clash between linguistic traditionalism and edgy lashing in one poem.

Your tone is very get-it and go, or else. It really makes this memorable. I wonder if it is inspired by a real-life character. You make me feel like I met this girl. I meet her often, you know? LA is dirty with her typecast. You really nailed it in a way I've never heard of in any poem ever invented. Jesus.
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Old 06-25-2012, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by maidahl View Post
The writing is, of course, superb. Pacing is phenomenal. Very easy to finish. I got a little sidetracked because you have commas and caps but no periods. It's trendy to leave them out, but accentuating fullstops on this one might work in your favor. Total breathing rests at the end of sentences might earmark the suffocation at the end. Leave it ragged, instead of flowing so river-run. Just a thought. I know, I know. Punctuation is optional, and just for traditionalists. But conventions last for a reason. It really accentuates meaning and rhythmic tendencies. It could even make the final a touch more tragic and less expected, because it's less artsy. You don't expect the clash between linguistic traditionalism and edgy lashing in one poem.

Your tone is very get-it and go, or else. It really makes this memorable. I wonder if it is inspired by a real-life character. You make me feel like I met this girl. I meet her often, you know? LA is dirty with her typecast. You really nailed it in a way I've never heard of in any poem ever invented. Jesus.
Wow, first off, thanks for such in-depth feedback.

You bring up an interesting point for the grammar: Basically, I'm lazy. That's usually the long and short of it. In this case, as Allya was very quick to catch on to - I had the song 'Dani California' by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers stuck in my head while I was writing, and it just slipped itself into a poem (saw them live yesterday is probably why). The whole thing is done to the rhythm of that song, which is very fast talking and pacy. So yeah, punctuation was just disregarded really, since I already had a constant tune in my head.

It also left me with the problems of not knowing how to finish it, I couldn't fade out a chorus like on the soundtrack; hence the 'tagged on' little verse at the end. It's a cheap scapegoat, I know, but I couldn't do much about it.

Nope, character is totally fictional. Based on other characters from books I've read, people I've met, people I've seen etc. Mainly based on characters from 'Empty Chairs' by Stacey Danson, and 'Junk' by Melvin Burgess.

Glad you enjoyed the read.
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