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  #1  
Old 06-13-2012, 05:36 AM
simply_words (Offline)
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Walk with me
through a forest
of dreams

Touch the trees
feel the warm air
collide with your half
closed eyelids

Be open to answer
the calls
of nature

Taste it's effortless ideal

Aware of your inferiority

Crack the floor
beneath your feet
release your petty
idle thoughts

Know in your soul
the forest of dreams
is where you belong
and will remain
forever more.


Last edited by simply_words; 06-13-2012 at 08:43 AM..
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  #2  
Old 06-13-2012, 05:49 AM
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Lovely! A wonderful mood over arched the whole poem. Great job simply_words!!!
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Old 06-13-2012, 06:25 AM
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Totally agree with KBR. A feel good poem that sounded great too.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:11 AM
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I love the imagery you create with this, and I think that feeling could become even stronger if you really minimalize your word use. Don't put in any words you don't need. That might be a personal preference, I'm a fan of sentence fragments, but still Especially the last part/stanza. My suggestion:

Awareness of your inferiority

Crack the floor
beneath your feet
release your petty
idle thoughts

Know in your soul
the forest of dreams
is where you belong,
and will remain
forever more.
Another small comment I have is concerning punctuation. You use it in some places and not in others, is that a conscious choice? I'd suggest picking one or the other, and going entirely with or without.

Thanks for the read
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:24 AM
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Thanks Ilseum. I have made the chnages you suggested and dropped the punctuation to make it flow better.

I change it to 'aware' rather than 'awareness' as I wanted to give a sense that the reader is there, in the moment.

Thanks KBR and LOZ too
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  #6  
Old 06-13-2012, 08:26 AM
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So many excellent poets in here. I wish i could adapt my lyrics to a poem form but i would not even come close to touching the depth of feeling your pieces have Simply. Thanks for sharing!
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  #7  
Old 06-13-2012, 08:27 AM
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Glad I could be of help 'Aware' works better than 'awareness,' looks good. Same as for your other poem, though, look for consistency in your use of capital letters. Then again, you can be a rebel and leave it like this

Btw, if you want to add something to a previous post in a short time span, you can use the 'Edit' button. I've merged your two posts.

Edit: No I haven't, but I suspect someone else has. Lol.
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Old 06-13-2012, 08:57 AM
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Yup. I did it.
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