WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Elysian Fields

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-19-2012, 07:55 AM
Ethan Blake's Avatar
Ethan Blake (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Pillars of Hercules
Posts: 1,540
Thanks: 718
Thanks 347
Send a message via AIM to Ethan Blake Send a message via Skype™ to Ethan Blake
Default Elysian Fields


When I walk Elysian Fields
Will I remember you?
Will soft winds whisper yesterdays
and breathe of love anew?
Will my shadow still be seen,
in now far distant dreams,
and shall I hear you cry my name,
and know what sorrow means?
If promises were wishes,
and wishes promise true,
Then we will walk these fields of gold,
Together,
me and you.

__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

'THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!'

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-19-2012, 09:15 AM
MoltenLight's Avatar
MoltenLight (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Leicester, UK
Posts: 85
Thanks: 4
Thanks 17
Default

"When I walk Elysian Fields" - A mythological reference that isn't followed up at all throughout the rest of the poem. Either reinforce it or leave it out altogether.

"Soft winds whisper, far distant dreams, fields of gold, together me and you" - All cliches that undermine the emotion of the poem.

"Shall I hear you cry my name/ and now what sorrow means?" - This line in particular grates. From a feminist point of view, it might be seen as offensive.

The rhythm, like the cliches, undermine the poem. Be ambitious with your language and structure, don't be afraid to break the rules. At the moment, your poetry is comfortably flaccid and, therefore, unexciting.

I don't think there's too much advice I can give you - it's beyond my critiquing capabilities, probably. All I can confidently say is I'm surprised that testosterone-fuelled poetry like this still exists. Please tell me it's some kind of parody.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to MoltenLight For This Useful Post:
Ethan Blake (03-20-2012)
  #3  
Old 03-19-2012, 12:23 PM
Phyllis Stewart's Avatar
Phyllis Stewart (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Chicago Suburb
Posts: 466
Thanks: 2
Thanks 124
Default

Elysian Fields

Love these lines:
If promises were wishes,
and wishes promise true,


I think we all know that Elysian Fields is just another name for heaven, and I like it better here, since heaven is done to death (no pun intended, but recognized after the fact).

This is gender neutral, which is good. I'm quite sure that, if I died, my hubby would suffer great sorrow and cry my name and probably punch holes in all the walls... glad I won't be around to see it!

I love this, because you really seem to grasp what separation by death is like for the one left behind. Being dead is easy, losing a loved one to death is the hardes thing there is, and you have captured that, I think.
__________________
Phyllis

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by Phyllis Stewart; 03-19-2012 at 12:25 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Phyllis Stewart For This Useful Post:
Ethan Blake (03-20-2012)
  #4  
Old 03-20-2012, 04:53 AM
Ethan Blake's Avatar
Ethan Blake (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Pillars of Hercules
Posts: 1,540
Thanks: 718
Thanks 347
Send a message via AIM to Ethan Blake Send a message via Skype™ to Ethan Blake
Default

Moltenlight,
I've got your ticket now you silly boy!
When you're finished school ...talk to me!
now run along , try and be a good boy!
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

'THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!'

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by Ethan Blake; 03-20-2012 at 05:03 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:02 AM
Ethan Blake's Avatar
Ethan Blake (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Pillars of Hercules
Posts: 1,540
Thanks: 718
Thanks 347
Send a message via AIM to Ethan Blake Send a message via Skype™ to Ethan Blake
Default

hey Phyllis,
yes, you have captured the import of this piece. It was intended as a ...well...observational comment on the fact that the bereaved grieve for their own condition. the questions from the dead are rhetorical and in the end we'll get an answer. (Maybe)
Thanks for the read and comments
Best regards
D
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

'THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!'

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:48 AM
KBR (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Monterey CA
Posts: 1,917
Thanks: 1,063
Thanks 655
Default

This WHOLE poem was outstanding!! Everything is crafted so well! Delicate phrasing like the lines Phyllis quoted!! Wow! Just fantastic! Really enjoyed it!!!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to KBR For This Useful Post:
Ethan Blake (03-20-2012)
  #7  
Old 03-20-2012, 02:16 PM
MoltenLight's Avatar
MoltenLight (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Leicester, UK
Posts: 85
Thanks: 4
Thanks 17
Default

Originally Posted by Ethan Blake View Post
Moltenlight,
I've got your ticket now you silly boy!
When you're finished school ...talk to me!
now run along , try and be a good boy!
Not quite sure what to say to this except, maybe, I feel a little dirty.

David, are you coming on to me?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-20-2012, 02:54 PM
Redlorry
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Am I being an oversensitive moderator to observe certain undercurrents between members on this and other poetry threads?

No, I don't think I am.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-23-2012, 05:48 AM
Ethan Blake's Avatar
Ethan Blake (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Pillars of Hercules
Posts: 1,540
Thanks: 718
Thanks 347
Send a message via AIM to Ethan Blake Send a message via Skype™ to Ethan Blake
Icon11

Hey Red,
until reminded, I had thought there was only one on this forum who practised hubris, but evidently it is not as passée as I believed.
I think it was Herodotus who said
'For God allows no one to have high thoughts but Himself.' still, being a monotheist so I suffer the deluded with patience and humour...honest!
Best regards
D
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

'THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!'

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-23-2012, 06:04 AM
Redlorry
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I have read your poems... all of them! Just because I don't comment doesn't mean I've not seen them.

But I am more than aware that it takes two to tango.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 03-23-2012, 12:43 PM
Ethan Blake's Avatar
Ethan Blake (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Pillars of Hercules
Posts: 1,540
Thanks: 718
Thanks 347
Send a message via AIM to Ethan Blake Send a message via Skype™ to Ethan Blake
Icon8

[QUOTE=Redlorry;485857But I am more than aware that it takes two to tango. [/QUOTE]

Presumably you are also aware that I make NO comment on any of my tango partners posts?

Best regards
D
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

'THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!'

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-23-2012, 12:45 PM
Redlorry
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Will you stop and go back to writing the poems we all enjoy so much.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-23-2012, 01:00 PM
MoltenLight's Avatar
MoltenLight (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Leicester, UK
Posts: 85
Thanks: 4
Thanks 17
Default

Originally Posted by Ethan Blake View Post
Presumably you are also aware that I make NO comment on any of my tango partners posts?

Best regards
D
I value your criticism and welcome your thoughts on any of the pieces I submit, although there aren't quite as many as you.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-23-2012, 01:25 PM
Billy Herklots's Avatar
Billy Herklots (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: England
Posts: 37
Thanks: 0
Thanks 5
Default

I liked this, the line I have an issue with though, is "then we will walk these fields of gold" it screams cliche and nearly ruins the piece, it just reminds me of that Sting song, I don't think that's a good thing... But, apart from that it was a nice poem, i just think that line needs looking at!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Billy Herklots For This Useful Post:
Ethan Blake (03-23-2012)
  #15  
Old 03-23-2012, 01:36 PM
Ethan Blake's Avatar
Ethan Blake (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Pillars of Hercules
Posts: 1,540
Thanks: 718
Thanks 347
Send a message via AIM to Ethan Blake Send a message via Skype™ to Ethan Blake
Default

Hey Billy,
Yeah, it does sort of have that feel although at the time of writing I hadn't thought of the Sting song.
In Roman times, the afterlife in the Elysian Fields, was perceived as fields of plenty and are often referred to as golden fields of wheat. This was the intent. I didn't want to talk directly of 'Heaven or Valhalla etc' the fields of gold are a non sectarian metaphor for the afterlife.
Thanks for the read and the comments
best regards
D
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

'THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!'

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-23-2012, 02:20 PM
Billy Herklots's Avatar
Billy Herklots (Offline)
Scribbler
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: England
Posts: 37
Thanks: 0
Thanks 5
Default

Haha ok, fair enough! I did think it must have had something to do with classical mythology, I'm presuming you like Yeats? In some ways this reminded me of "he wishes for the cloths of heaven"
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Billy Herklots For This Useful Post:
Ethan Blake (03-24-2012)
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Christdolou Gambit/Double Standard richards89 Fiction 3 06-07-2011 06:02 PM
Lava Fields - Snip1 - 696 words Kirby Fiction 4 11-03-2009 06:23 AM
Elysian Park Hearts skhull Poetry 7 09-26-2007 08:31 AM
Elysian Fields Quarterly Jay Writing Markets 0 06-13-2006 08:04 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:20 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.