Is this any better (first draft) - A Pirates Tale first chapter.

[ripcurlman]

I took on board your advice - using flashbacks to illustrate how Henry came across the map in furure chapters,and i am currently re editing again. Hopefully i will get it up again for you all to cast your beady eyes over.

thanks,

[razzazzika]

I don't think england really had a 'wild west'. I know what you're trying to describe, but that's something really only used to describe pioneer america in the 1800's.

The cozy, warm atmosphere of the pub however was broken momentarily... --- cozy spelled wrong, however is not the transitional word you want, try my suggestion of "The cozy, warm atmosphere of the pub was broken momentarily"

His clothes were quite out of place and were not old and worn like everyone else’s, --- His clothes were not old and worn like everyone else's and seemed quite out of place for it.--- it could just be me, but it sounds better this way. I'm probably just nitpicking.

You mentioned something about the barkeeps accent, is this supposed to be his accent, because the grammar doesn't make sense --- They don’t trust outsiders and are sceptical all of your sudden and uninvited appearance in their local

raucous –adjective
1. harsh; strident; grating: raucous voices; raucous laughter.
I think you mean
ruckus –noun
1.a noisy commotion; fracas; rumpus: The losers are sure to raise a ruckus.

ignoring the man's words


enough with the grammar and nitpicking

the flow of your story was as follows: slow-> grabbed my attention when he revealed he had a map->lost it when the 'captain' so eagerly agreed to ferry this random person with an unproven treasure map to where he wanted to go AND split 50/50 without any sort of negotiation, I found it a bit unrealistic-> but then you snagged my attention again with the whole 'we're smugglers and our ship was taken from us' bit, that's probably going to lead to the first arc of the story of the main character helping them get their ship back from the guards, starting the main character into a life of piracy, since it seems as of this point he's a well to do gentleman.

I like the story so far.. I just think it needs some work. It seems to droll on at points. I think it's because of either too much descriptions at points where there doesn't need to be, or because I kept running into grammatical errors that didn't sit well with me, but in general I liked it. Having read your other post, I know you have a neat story of a boy who wanted to be a pirate finally having his dream fulfilled.

[bobbedford]

Originally Posted by razzazzika

The cozy, warm atmosphere of the pub however was broken momentarily... --- cozy spelled wrong,

Not if you speak the queens english instead of the bastardised Amercian version. Cosy is the correct spelling!

[razzazzika]

Originally Posted by bobbedford

Not if you speak the queens english instead of the bastardised Amercian version. Cosy is the correct spelling!

ah sorry, I didn't realize it was one of those words you could spell either way. Though dictionary.com lists the definition of Cosy simply as a link to Cozy.

[Minbard]

Hey Ripcurl,

I suppose by wild west of England you're referring to Cornwall or Devon? I got it so don't worry about that. West as in its location, wild as in its distance from the centralized power of Westminster and London and maybe also referring to the distinct Celtic heritage of its inhabitants? I think that works as you haven't used capitals. Are you from Cornwall or just an emmet lol?

Possibly contains a few too many refs to smoke in the early sections? You can mention it once then leave it imo.

The cosy,warm pub however

the cosy atmosphere of the pub...?

their boots clinging to the soles of their owners.

can't picture this - am not sure what you mean.

“I am your man then boy”

comma before boy or it sounds like he's saying he's their man and then their boy.

Overall pretty enjoyable so far but the people - if they are doing illegal acts - are pretty free with information. I would expect them to be more circumspect.

Hope that helps anyways,


Thanks
Minbard