Wait.

[NokturnalMe]

I will wait until the end of all time...

Until the sun combusts and burns out
Until the moon disintegrates into gas particles
Until the stars explode into series of supernovas

Until all planets collide and axis disappears

Until the sky falls down and submits to gravity

Until heaven and hell merges into one afterworld

When oceans collide and meet at the end of all shores
I’ll be right there waiting for you,

For my world won't be, until you are here, in existence,

Coexisting.
Together.
Complete.

Here, with me.

[NokturnalMe]

This is just a rough copy of an idea.
Opinions please...it'll be appreciated.
Thanks.

[MoltenLight]

If there is one thing that I find refreshing in this poem, it is your use of scientific terms such as “particles”, “supernovas”, “axis”, “gravity” etc. These are some really concrete images that are especially effective when combined with your repetition of “Until”. Unfortunately, I find this power is somewhat undermined by the extremely cliché start to the poem, “I will wait until the end of all time...” The last two images are also poorly executed. “Until heaven and hell merges into one afterworld” is clumsily worded and “meet at the end of all shores” is too abstract – particularly so when in comparison to the specific images before.

However, I believe your poem might be strong enough to carry itself on what’s in italics alone. I like the idea of two voices but with vague phrases such as, “For my world won't be, until you are here, in existence,” the ‘normal type’ voice simply pales in comparison to the strong italics voice. It might be an idea to attain balance by adding something more substantial and concrete to the ‘normal type’ voice or get rid of it altogether.

One thing this poem reminded me of was Auden’s ‘Funeral Blues’ with the lines, “Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;” in particular. Personally, I like your scientific language and you should definitely keep that. However, if I was to experiment with the other voice I might consider using language such as Auden. Notice how it’s not ‘demolish the moon’ or ‘ravage the forests’ – the use of “sweep”, for example, is more delicate so thus creates a more subdued effect to how Auden feels (which is consequently equally effective for showing emotion, in my opinion). This would create an interesting and unique contrast with your powerful scientific terms without being abstract.

[NokturnalMe]

Thanks MoltenLight for the constructive and detailed advice.
I needed that, and I understand the 'problem areas'.
I'll definitely be working on that italic piece and maybe extend it to a work of its own.

Glad you found it powerful, for I enjoyed writing that stanza as well.
However, it was written over the course of two days which explains the change in voice.
A final shall be released soon!

Thanks again! Appreciated.

[MoltenLight]

Don't worry about it, I'm glad to help

May I also say how much I like your username!

[NokturnalMe]

Again, thanks.
I am aware of the coolness of my username indeed.
=]