Bleeding Time

[namesake]

To some being a spy was blessing, it was not a good profession. Dinion was a spy who held secret information deemed valuable. His eyes were round and hazel-colored. Oryonex his brother had an extreme fear of spies so much that he had gone missing for 40 years. So Dinion was also afraid of them, but he could handle them. He reminisced the days Oryonex had spent with him when he was not a spy. “I’m remembering the time a spy came up close and murdered ten men. It was the force of a hurricane. My brother was speechless.” Dinion said of Oryonex. It was now his birthday.

Dinion’s mission was all for the general glory for the country representing the country as a spy. It was to serve kings and emperors. He visited his brother’s tomb everyday it was his birthday.

“People do not give up their lives for just causes. It seems that the country is being run by computers sometimes. I fear that my brother Oryonex is dead. The wind is blowing strongly and abnormally. What a surprise. Something tells me it feels as if has to do with the future state that is being made. Something is coming and I do not like it.” Dinion said some time back giving a brief mission statement to his computer screen. He read it back and it and sent it to Anthroid through a text message. A spy member with whom he worked with. Oryonex’s little brother image came to life when it had been forty years since he had encountered a deadly encounter at the hands of a spy assassin with wind technology. His life was in peril when someone wiped ten people off the map with a bullet.

Dinion had mysterious abilities as a spy such as spy sight. It was a special ability of people who scarified their normal lives.

“I never show my spy side to people. I never saw Oryonex after he died. I think the last thing he had said was that he did not forgive me,” Dinion said.

“I think you know enough about spies.” Anthroid said.

“I try not to kill anyone.”Dinion said. “It's been unfortunate. There is something written in code that stops me from doing it all the time. They put it in my brain. It seems that it causes extreme pain. It is mysterious.”

There was a special man that could not be spotted who was hidden from the limelight; he was a spy of spies though Dinion did not know what to make of Oryonex at first whom had not shown his face (hidden behind a cloak). He pretended he walked with a real leg, when in fact it was artificial, it was a robotic prosthetic limb made of titanium. The man who escorted him noticed it by the gait that something was not quite right about him since he was rambunctious. He went on talking to people outside this world. He hid himself atop the rooftop not telling anyone he was still living.

“I’m afraid you do know a lot Oryonex about him,” said a voice far off. “After all these years you still do not forgive your brother. Your brother is alive and well and the law is in effect by automatons,” the person told him.

***


Shocked at what was happening, Dinion took out his gun like light; his speed was that quick. He ran. Afraid like a coward cowered backed into the corner as if by an elephant, he roared as if a lion several times at someone when he was now alone. He must of shot his gun and it was at something wild. It was the next day and he wished he had someone to tell him what was going on. But now his bullets were gone. Someone was trying to corner him. It did not seem to work toward his good disposition being cornered in a dirty alley with noises as loud to perturb a graveyard.

“I cannot kill you Dinion. It’s against the law to kill anyone close to you. It is more severe. You know that. They send you to death.” Dinion’s cries were all over.

“No Uncle Pyton. Not again. Why are you doing this? This week I was attacked by my sister. My mother, my girl-friend, and even my other brother appeared. What did I do to deserve this? I thought they were deceased. If they are living and if you are indeed my Uncle Pyton tell me why.”

"I change my appearance constantly,” Pyton said.

Dinion took his gun and destroyed what had cornered him.

“Uncle leave me alone. I was framed. Uncle listen to me. I am innocent.”

“I’ve seen you suffer enough. Sometimes I think you don’t care enough. I remind you all the time by appearing.”

Uncle Pyton turned off the lights of the rooftop alley. He disappeared just as mysteriously he had appeared.

***


Brother, today I came for your birthday. I visited the cemetery just as I do every year. I brought flowers. I looked at the tomb stone. I lay on my knees. Why do I have a feeling that even in death you still did not forgive me? I now must resort to the last option.

My family, please forgive me.

An incandescent light burned in flickers, dampened by the wick, suffocating under the heavy wax mass. It was a happily burning fire fly, as flickering as a candle blown by the wind. It was if Dinion had a wish.

Oryonex was hidden in the deep corner of the alley. He could blend in with the criminals. He did it only so that he could find out information.

“Brother,” said Oryonex deep in thought not near him. “You remember me and now I feel better even though I haven’t seen you eye to eye in years. Now it is time to pay the price. Will you find your way back?”

It was damp; the moist earth was full of bugs. It was a dung beetles’ favorite past time to roll in the dirt. Their less astute cousins were looking for other beetle cousins so that they could have some time rolling in the dirt. A soldier was the same color as the dirt. He was at the front entrance of the gate.

“I’m a criminal. I want access to the world gates.” Dinion said.

“This is the virtual crime underworld. Please state your business.” This world is for people who are prisoners here for crimes by the state. Are you sure you want to go here?”

“Yes, the purpose of my visit is to find out about a killer inside the world,” Dinion said.

“By the way I have not been to this place in ten years. I was nearly killed last time. I was being chased by a group of murderers some years ago.”

“No. If the files suggest anything you were the murderer who did kill your own father and got abdicated. The entire family then went broke and was sold off at auctions.” The gatekeeper said oddly.

“I see. So to help keep things from getting worse can you keep an eye on the border? I know my family went into a lot of trouble. But I did what I did because someone killed my father. My destiny now is to discover his murderer. I have a mind-reading device at my disposal so I can redeem myself if I find the murderer.” Dinion said. He was a criminal too.

“You are a kind sir. This money will go to feeding my family.”

“You have a family too then?” Dinion had asked. “You keep them well feed?”

““Everyone does. Hence you can’t kill the father or the head of the household. Everyone knows it is less trouble if you kill your brother. I know your story. You’re the man that became a spy to investigate your family’s past."

“How kind of you sir. It is my brother’s birthday. I think I suspect someone will come after to me. I don’t know if it is Uncle Pyton. He’s both living and dead to me. He did forgive me recently,” he said.

“Very well sir. You are clever. Now, I need to ask did you get an education?” The gatekeeper asked.

“Yes I did. But sometimes Pyton was too drunk and asked for money. He constantly visits me. He is a no-good member of my family. I know the laws are unjust. That is how the criminal world existed. He still thinks my mother visits me from the grave,” he joked.

First Dinion would enter the thieves’ world. There, he could see people were carrying sacks of rice for their families. It was part virtual reality world uploaded on a server with cameras. You could explore the place and see everything in real-time. A languid man with no criminal history came and smelled the fresh air. His loyalty was one that didn’t waver on a person’s criminal history.

“Anthroid, so you came?”

“Yes I don’t believe you killed your father.” Anthroid said. Someone here in the criminal’s world did it I think. We are spies. You are innocent until proven guilty in this day and time since your archives are open to investigation. You became a spy for this day. The virtual reality will let us explore this world until we find the culprit of who killed your father. This world hasn’t been safe in years. It’s too chaotic to be here.”

“Anthroid will be going to help me find my father’s murderer.” He told the gatekeeper

Oryonex had just entered the virtual reality realm.
He had to pay up the money so that his brother could not be followed by stalkers.

“We are hackers. We are your friends Oryonex. We want you to find out your father’s murderers.”

“I never wanted my brother to find the murderer, “Oryonex had said.
Oryonex cried like it was raining in a flood and as if a whole world was full of water and that he was storing himself away in secretly in the sacred ark.

“Even if my brother did not kill my father, he is a murderer in the flesh.” Oryonex had said.

Both Oryonex and the hacker ventured the virtual reality. A bright light followed from high above in the sky like a god. It was a man part machine that looked at people eating, drinking, and committing murders. He was the hacker that founded the virtual reality realm. He had no shred of remorse and no one could reach him not even when there was a murder.

****

“You must find the person in charge of this world,” Anthroid now said.

“So I do need to use my mind-reading device on the person in charge of this world? That seems to be impossible,” said Dinion.

“He is not going to help you it seems if you find him, but for now you need to save a man from committing a crime,” Anthroid said.

“Why do you say that of the world despot?”

“He was reared by a group of thieves that were computer hackers. He made them stay alive by uploading them to the server,” Anthroid said.

“So if we find one of the god’s acquaintances then we will know where he is?”

“Yes.” Anthroid said. “But they are probably dangerous.”

“But how are we going to get his attention?” Dinion asked puzzled.

“What have you gathered since we have been here?” Anthroid asked.

“We found a man that specializes in amnesia patients. He claims he found all the secrets of the criminal world and remembers them,” Dinion said.

As it grew dark a huge vortex opened. It was the deletion of the virtual world.

People started disappearing. A huge mountain was where Dinion was hidden.

“The world is reacting strangely.”

Huge rocks fell from mountains. The sky that was frozen blue turned to red. Objects started disappearing. Weird sounds of the computers freezing came like the bluish ice age. People started disappearing. The gatekeeper was long gone. The gates had been closed. A strange odor came of various smells. It seemed like the end of the world.

“That is what happens when you upset the creator of the world when there is something to hide,” Anthroid.

“We must kill him before it is too late, but no spies can get a hold of him,” Dinion then said.

Dinion could see the clouds turning red as if the world was bleeding. A giant stretch of whiteness was starting to form at the ground. A vortex that sucked everything in from the inside was gaining force.

People’s memories were being erased. This is dangerous.” Anthroid said.

Oryonex was looking far off in the corner of the world wondering if his brother would be swallowed off.

“Somehow we must find out the password to the hidden corners of this world.”

“We spies have all we need. The people with amnesia are being treated. One of them was caught trying to look into your computer for information. We caught him but he made an escape,” Anthroid said.

“But if that is true. The only way he could have gotten in here is if he were to have some spy and hacker knowledge. Is Oryonex alive?” Dinion asked.

“He protected you from being erased. Your brother cares for you,” Anthroid said.

His face turned solemn. An expression of gratitude came across his face.

“Let’s leave and talk later when we get back to the real world,” Dinion said.
***


“Oryonex exists and it has been 40 years since he was presumed dead.” Anthroid said.

“I somehow knew that he lives. But I still don’t have my brother’s approval it seems. Since it was a life or death situation he saved me Anthroid.”

“Finding Oryonex is the next step.” Anthroid said.”
***
The hospital doors were ghostly white.

“I have been trapped in that virtual reality for a long time. For 40 years. Spies finally found me when the world collapsed. I was nowhere to be found.”

“For 40 years. Say that sounds like my brother’s story.”

“I know everything from the world that hides the world’s most notorious criminals. I was constantly being watched and the updates while the hacker in charge of the world put up the secret information before the self-destruction.”

“Interesting.”

Dinion thought of the horrible nature of the computer program. “You were born to be a criminal database.” They took out the life out of you. That is sad.”

“Oryonex told me to open a private door thanks to the Trojan Virus he put in the system.”

“You saved me.”

“Oryonex ordered me since he wanted to save all the spies in the system. He did it against and it was his will saving you. ”

A surge of disbelief crept on Dinion. “Why is he hiding?” he thought.

“He told me to tell you that a computer hacker is after him. He has been for years. Oryonex is on the run. He didn’t want to involve you. He said it would make things worse.”

“What, is the person after him a thief and a computer hacker?”

“He’s a person who wants a vendetta. He hates Oryonex since he broke the rules of his system. Oryonex has been on the run ever since.”

That hacker was raised by thieves. He is a cold murderer.

“I will give you back your body when this is all over and I solve my father’s murder. I know you won’t remember it. Right now we have to find the person who is chasing Oryonex.
***
To kill a god in the sky was a curse. The god did not have remorse or no feelings but rather power. It was a deadly act to go against a god. How did Dinion know that a god existed and why did he want to go against it? He didn’t know. The person in charge of that world was a spy. He was a giant eye. He was everywhere in the criminal world. He was the one whom had ordered to kill Dinion and Oryonex’s father.

“You didn’t kill my father and I know that Dinion.” Oryonex said. “The whole family died in a random act. To this day I have been trying to make it hell for the man who is also a computer. I became a spy for many reasons. I did it so that I could be next to my hacker friend and so that Dinion could grow up safe. I did it to investigate. I am a secret to this day Dinion. The criminal world wanted to find out who had destroyed the computer system. I confess, I kidnapped a person and made them a computer programmer. Dinion, I forgive you.”

“A computer has no remorse,” Dinion said.

“I finally came to you. I am going to stop running from my own fate. Now that it knows we are connected as brothers he will find us,” Oryonex said.

“I hate it. It let all the people in danger die. It protects the criminal world as a sort of program. The computer department is the police department. But it is failing and it now controls the city.”

The police arrived. They looked in every nook and cranny for signs of both Dinion and Oryonex. Dinion and Oryonex did not have anyone to kill. Rather it was a program that had taken an extreme look at the Criminal World and had messed up. “It’s been years since the police have prosecuted a legitimate case. They are as efficient as automatons.”

A special explosive was made courtesy of Dinion and Oryonex. They sent it in express. Criminals were on the rampage in the criminal world. A world that now existed because the police were lax.

The world they knew was long gone. It was a corrupted system by hackers a long time ago as the gates of the criminal world that were now not open to anyone anymore. Dinion and Oryonex had cried about the escape.

“Brother, it looks like we will have to hide again from them another time for a couple more years,” the spy said. These were his last words.
thwy'''

[namesake]

Any critiques? I have given feedback but no one has bothered. Would appreciate it if someone read this.

[Nick Pierce]

Originally Posted by namesake

Any critiques? I have given feedback but no one has bothered. Would appreciate it if someone read this.

Truth be told, pal, giving don't guarantee getting. In anything.

The first line could be read clearly if it was reversed. And cut in two.

To some being a spy was not a profession. It was a blessing.
Like that.

And it would be more galvinizing if the tense was immediate, not past.

To some being a spy is not a profession. It is a blessing.
Like that.

Or; For some spying is not a profession. It is a calling. A blessed calling.

But I only think this way because I have been reading "Shefter's Guide To Better Compositions" and that Strunk and White book everyday since we last 'spoke'.

[Koac]

Hi namesake,

As Nick said, there is no guarantee of receiving a criticism!

I think my issues with the piece can be summed up by looking at the first paragraph:

To some being a spy was blessing, it was not a good profession.

This does not seem to be a logical statement as you are saying it's a blessing AND it was not a good profession. Something like this would be better: "To some, being a spy was a blessing. To others, a curse."

Dinion was a spy who held secret information deemed valuable.

You don't need "deemed valuable" here - surely the only point of information being secret is where that information is valuable?

His eyes were round and hazel-colored.

What other shape of eye is there?

Oryonex his brother had an extreme fear of spies so much that he had gone missing for 40 years.

I had to read this a few times before I understood it. You're saying that Orynex was scared of Dinion but what did Dinion do, in particular, that scared his brother? It must have been something very bad for him to have scared off his brother for such a length of time. You should either tell us what this is, or at least expand more on it here, i.e. hint at what it was.

So Dinion was also afraid of them, but he could handle them.

This doesn't flow particularly well, you're telling us that Dinion was afraid of spies but "could handle them" - so what is he afraid of? If he's in actual danger from other spies then would it be better to say that he had learned how to avoid them, or had had several close encounters but somehow survived. Building tension, in other words.

He reminisced the days Oryonex had spent with him when he was not a spy.

Again I'm not feeling "a part" of this story yet, something like the following would bring us into Dinion's mind: "Dinion sat back in his chair, closed his eyes, and remembered playing in fields with Orynex as innocent children. War games. His brother would grow out of them. Dinion never could."

“I’m remembering the time a spy came up close and murdered ten men. It was the force of a hurricane. My brother was speechless.” Dinion said of Oryonex. It was now his birthday.

I think my main problem with your story is with the dialogue, which feels stilted to me. I don't think people talk like this. Also the phrase "the time a spy came up close and murdered ten men" gives me almost no information about what actually happened. Where did it happen? When did it happen? Was Orynex involved innocently, or did he have anything to do with it?

Apologies for my feedback being mostly negative, but I did find it difficult to get into this story.

[Nick Pierce]

Way to go, Koac.

Ball is now on your side of the net, namesake.

[namesake]

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce

Truth be told, pal, giving don't guarantee getting. In anything.

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce

The first line could be read clearly if it was reversed. And cut in two.

To some being a spy was not a profession. It was a blessing.
Like that.

And it would be more galvinizing if the tense was immediate, not past.

To some being a spy is not a profession. It is a blessing.
Like that.

Or; For some spying is not a profession. It is a calling. A blessed calling.

But I only think this way because I have been reading "Shefter's Guide To Better Compositions" and that Strunk and White book everyday since we last 'spoke'.

Thanks friend. Well I wish I had my library card to read that book. As of now it is lost. But maybe I can get a used book copy so that I can make more "logical sentences." It probably won't be a problem to get it.

Hi namesake,

As Nick said, there is no guarantee of receiving a criticism!

I think my issues with the piece can be summed up by looking at the first paragraph:



To some being a spy was blessing, it was not a good profession.
This does not seem to be a logical statement as you are saying it's a blessing AND it was not a good profession. Something like this would be better: "To some, being a spy was a blessing. To others, a curse."



Dinion was a spy who held secret information deemed valuable.
You don't need "deemed valuable" here - surely the only point of information being secret is where that information is valuable?

So my sentences lack logic. Ok that sounds like a fair assessment in where my english problems lie. Thanks, seems as if this is my problem.

His eyes were round and hazel-colored.
What other shape of eye is there?

In truth it is elliptical, but you could also say it is round.

Oryonex his brother had an extreme fear of spies so much that he had gone missing for 40 years.
I had to read this a few times before I understood it. You're saying that Orynex was scared of Dinion but what did Dinion do, in particular, that scared his brother? It must have been something very bad for him to have scared off his brother for such a length of time. You should either tell us what this is, or at least expand more on it here, i.e. hint at what it was.

I tried an attention-getting strategy. By not revealing the answer right away I hoped to give the answer by the end of the story. By keeping secrets and then revealing the answer at key points in the story I was hoping to get people to keep reading the story. I do appreciate the fact that a hint would have been a good idea. As of now I wonder if I should shy away from using such a strategy again since it causes confusion. I read it in one of the books I have at home. It's a useful book with practical advice on writing. I guess according to you it only confused the reader.

So Dinion was also afraid of them, but he could handle them.
This doesn't flow particularly well, you're telling us that Dinion was afraid of spies but "could handle them" - so what is he afraid of? If he's in actual danger from other spies then would it be better to say that he had learned how to avoid them, or had had several close encounters but somehow survived. Building tension, in other words.

What I meant to say is that since Dinion's brother was afraid of spies that he had gone missing for 40 years. Yes I did suggest he was in actual danger of spies. Sadly enough that did not come across. I'm thinking the paragraph might need a more logical arrangement of sentences. Maybe the ideas expressed were not too clear. Keep reading on to what story is about so that you can tell me if any of this came through.

He reminisced the days Oryonex had spent with him when he was not a spy.
Again I'm not feeling "a part" of this story yet, something like the following would bring us into Dinion's mind: "Dinion sat back in his chair, closed his eyes, and remembered playing in fields with Oryonex as innocent children. War games. His brother would grow out of them. Dinion never could."

Well your suggestion seems practical. By displaying a character-based conflict at the begnning I was hoping to show and put in character development in the story (by keeping the information out of the reader's reach). Dinion wants to see his brother again after he had gone missing for 40 years. I wanted to make the readers believe that since Dinion was a spy, that he had scared off his brother. So much that it was the reason Oryonex did not want to see his brother. He considered them murderers. This was a place in the future where weapons were more advanced that the ordinary guns we have now. The reason Oryonex doesn't see is brother was a "lie" on my part to keep reader interest. The real reason is revealed at the end of the story. It tells us who is after Oryonex. Why he hasn't see his brother in 40 years. Why Dinion became a spy. Why they are being chased. The crime that was commited.

I was suggesting that Dinion would see his brother again. He was thought to be dead by conflict with the spies. The reality of the situation is that he is being chased and he does not want his brother involved since it would be a deadly situation.

In part of the story I reveal that Oryonex is alive. The answer is to be revealed in the end of the story. The mysterious force that is after him is named at the end of the story.

“I’m remembering the time a spy came up close and murdered ten men. It was the force of a hurricane. My brother was speechless.” Dinion said of Oryonex. It was now his birthday.
I think my main problem with your story is with the dialogue, which feels stilted to me. I don't think people talk like this. Also the phrase "the time a spy came up close and murdered ten men" gives me almost no information about what actually happened. Where did it happen? When did it happen? Was Oryonex involved innocently, or did he have anything to do with it?

Apologies for my feedback being mostly negative, but I did find it difficult to get into this story.

Dialogue gets a reputation for being hard to do especially in novel-length stories. I have read some books on it.

I will try to get Nick's book on composition. Plus I'll read some books on dialogue. I might scrap this story if I cannot fix it. Thanks Nick for posting and making me see my grammar errors and Koac for the critique.

[hoverfrog]

Your first paragraph is your chance to grab the attention of the reader. It is where you lose the most readers. You have to provide something that says "Wow, this is interesting. I want to know more." Unfortunately your first paragraph is broken. It isn't an attention getter but a mishmash of information that makes no sense at all.

Dinion and Oryonex are names that aren't easy to place (at least for me) but I'd guess Russian or Baltic. That fits a spy story if the stereotypes are any use to the reader. The names you use later are similarly difficult to place. If they are Russian\Baltic names then stick the the obvious ones. I hate to suggest it but Ivan, Poitr, Mikael and Dmitri have the right connotations even if they have been overused. If it is Asian (I was getting an undertone of Hong Kong or Japan) then use obvious names from those places. If it is Sweden then use Swedish names. If the USA then use the regional names common to that state. If your location is another world or time then make that clear before introducing the character names. The names of people and places fix the setting in the reader's mind. Your character names left me adrift. As I'm the reader that cannot be my fault as it is my job to be entertained and your job to tell the story.

What's this about spies and their superhuman killing ability? Is a hurricane a literal rather than metaphorical force? I ask because it seems like a metaphor in your opening paragraph but later you use it literally. Why do they have super powers when they are spies? You explain this too late.

I'm confused about the timeline. You seem to jump from the present to the past and talk about Oryonex being dead and alive and then not dead at all. I didn't follow.

I found the dialogue to be stilted. The characters need their own personality that is evident in their speech. Someone who is grim and secretive speaks little. You can tell the reader about them by relating their thoughts and memories rather than speech or through the commentary of other characters and the reactions of witnesses to their actions. Someone who is frightening needn't say anything scary. They can have people back away in fear or they can be shrouded in shadow or otherwise appear intimidating.

Originally Posted by namesake

It was a special ability of people who scarified their normal lives.

Scarification is the process where permanent marks are made on the flesh. Tattooing, piercing and branding are examples of scarification as are the ritual cuttings of some Amazon tribes. I think you mean "terrified" or "frightened" but you might mean that Dinion had undergone some kind of psychic superpowered surgery. Honestly I don't know and I'd stopped caring by the time I got that far.

Originally Posted by namesake

Shocked at what was happening, Dinion took out his gun like light; his speed was that quick. He ran. Afraid like a coward cowered backed into the corner as if by an elephant, he roared as if a lion several times at someone when he was now alone. He must of shot his gun and it was at something wild.

He'd just had a terrible secret revealed to him. A secret that had tormented him for years. Using the word "shocked" doesn't seem quite strong enough. Also in this paragraph you are mixing metaphor and simile and you are using too many metaphors together. My advise is to stick to one or stick to a theme. Also short sentences give greater urgency and impact to what is written.

My example: Horrified by the revelation Dionion drew his pistol. His blood was pounding with rage and shame. He bolted from the alley. People drew back in fear. His face was a contorted mask. Spittle flew from his open mouth as he ran. Reaching a park he roared out his anger like a lion. Birds scattered from the treetops. Dinion shot at them. He fired again and again. Each blast barking out fury at the lie he'd lived. He was mad.

I hope that helps.

[Koac]

Originally Posted by hoverfrog

Scarification is the process where permanent marks are made on the flesh. Tattooing, piercing and branding are examples of scarification as are the ritual cuttings of some Amazon tribes. I think you mean "terrified" or "frightened" but you might mean that Dinion had undergone some kind of psychic superpowered surgery. Honestly I don't know and I'd stopped caring by the time I got that far.

I presumed he meant "sacrificed"! Either that or the process of turning into Scary Spice; a terrifying thought.

[namesake]

Your first paragraph is your chance to grab the attention of the reader. It is where you lose the most readers. You have to provide something that says "Wow, this is interesting. I want to know more." Unfortunately your first paragraph is broken. It isn't an attention getter but a mishmash of information that makes no sense at all.

The beginning needs to be strong. I am aware of this. I guess this story did give out a lot information. I know now this to be the case. There were too many unasnswred questions. I wanted to answer them by the time I got to the ending but it was too late.

What's this about spies and their superhuman killing ability? Is a hurricane a literal rather than metaphorical force? I ask because it seems like a metaphor in your opening paragraph but later you use it literally. Why do they have super powers when they are spies? You explain this too late.

I appreciate this comment. This is very true.

I'm confused about the timeline. You seem to jump from the present to the past and talk about Oryonex being dead and alive and then not dead at all. I didn't follow.

That was suppose to be a plot twist. I guess I wanted to paint the picture that he was thought to be both dead and alive. I guess I should have been clearer.

I found the dialogue to be stilted. The characters need their own personality that is evident in their speech. Someone who is grim and secretive speaks little. You can tell the reader about them by relating their thoughts and memories rather than speech or through the commentary of other characters and the reactions of witnesses to their actions. Someone who is frightening needn't say anything scary. They can have people back away in fear or they can be shrouded in shadow or otherwise appear intimidating.

This is also true. Koac also mentioned this. I guess I will try to improve my dialogue when I write stories. I recognize it to be a weak area of mine in writing.

My example: Horrified by the revelation Dionion drew his pistol. His blood was pounding with rage and shame. He bolted from the alley. People drew back in fear. His face was a contorted mask. Spittle flew from his open mouth as he ran. Reaching a park he roared out his anger like a lion. Birds scattered from the treetops. Dinion shot at them. He fired again and again. Each blast barking out fury at the lie he'd lived. He was mad.

I hope that helps.

This definetly helped. Thank you. You didn't have to give me any feedback and yet you did. I'll definetly pay back the favor when I see a work of yours on here. Anyways I will save all these comments in a document so I can refer back to them when I write a new story. Thanks.

[namesake]

Originally Posted by Koac

I presumed he meant "sacrificed"! Either that or the process of turning into Scary Spice; a terrifying thought.

Now that is disturbing. What is this? Is this british? Anyways again thanks. I don't quite get the humor I'm afraid.

[hoverfrog]

I always liked Scary Spice the best.

namesake, the (rubbish) pop band, Spice Girls, of the late 90s featured five women. They were nicknamed Sporty, Posh, Ginger, Baby and Scary Spice. Their claim to fame is that they were the most successful, all girl, British pop band since Bananarama.

[Nick1Nintendo]

There really isn't much I could add. Like Koac demonstrated, you need to make sure that what you're writing is logical and concise. And by 'concise', I mean...well, imagine a painting. If an artist were to take the Mona Lisa and draw lines all over it, it would detract from the painting, right? They might be beautifully drawn, colorful lines, but they still detract from the painting. An unnecessary word or phrase is just like that. Say what you need to say; nothing more.

Don't info-dump. Tell the reader only what they need to know to understand the situation at hand, and maybe add a detail or two to flesh out the setting, and leave the rest for later.

It's not that the story is bad; it just needs work. The advice your getting will help you improve it. Just keep your head up and this could be a real winner someday.

- Eclipse