Being a superhero isn't as cool as it sounds.

Lilcross · #1 01-09-2011, 09:39 PM

Post deleted.

TuxedoBoonee · #2 01-09-2011, 10:13 PM

This is a good attempt at the superhero story, which you don't see much of in the short story format. You don't see it much outside of comics and film. And I think you really showed a little reason why. The reader's imagination (though the basis of all reading, really) can only fill in so many blanks of what happened.

When John Shirley was asked by DC to write a text-only Batman book, he originally wasn't interested because Shirley knew that writing about a superhero and his superpowers and his super fights with other super beings was next to impossible. However, he did write the novel and did it what will eventually be considered the correct way: describing every detail of the fight sequences to a 't' and making sure the reader knew ever single detail he could tell about the Dark Knight. That's what you'll have to do if you want to make the text-only approach to superhero writing work. It's going to be a challenge but you have a great start here in this post.

The chapter-breakdown thing did not really work for me as well. It felt like you were intentionally trying to build drama and then all you did was allow the chapter break to really just be a change of scenery. Yes, you can do that and most editors and critics will tell you that it's probably better to. This time, however, I believe a simple ' *** ' would have worked instead of a whole new chapter, fit with an alluring superhero related dramatic title.

You had some spelling and punctuation errors throughout. Nothing serious. Just misplaced or un-placed punctuation marks and a minimal amount of misspelled words.

Thanks for the post. Great read.

Lilcross · #3 01-10-2011, 09:20 AM

Your feedback is greatly apperciated, Tux. Thank you very much!

ckd · #4 01-12-2011, 03:00 PM

I actually really like the idea of a story from the side-kick's POV. I've always thought something seen through the eyes of "the little guy" could have a lot of potential.

Anywho, the only thing i want to point out is your punctuation. On one hand, it really makes it feel like Felix is telling the story rather than an outsider who's trying to sound like Felix (if that makes sense). On the other hand, there are a couple of times where i think swapping a period or hyphen for a comma would really help the flow. In the first paragraph, for instance, i noticed that you used a comma when you wrote, "... he has the ability to manipulate ice, a nerd's wetdream."

Personally, i'm not too comfy with having a comma there. It bugs me and busts up the flow of my inner reading voice. That's just me though. Seriously. If you like it, keep it. It's just something that got my attention and pulled it away from the narrative.

Overall though, you've got a good idea.

hoverfrog · #5 01-12-2011, 04:17 PM

What an interesting start. I'm not sure what direction the story will go in. Will it be a tragedy where Dax's powers end up hurting others, a comedy where Felix tries to help but ends up putting Dax into tricky situations or something else? Perhaps Felix is seeking powers himself and when villains start to appear he goes looking for the source of their powers?

In the way of some constructive feedback the story so far sounds like a recap rather than an introduction. It is as if the reader is already familiar with the "secret origin" but is having it played back from a different angle. In one way that is good because you've gotten the reader involved straight away. On the other hand you've also lost the chance for a punchy attention grabber where the hero's motives are laid bare for the first time.

Lilcross · #6 01-12-2011, 07:50 PM

Originally Posted by hoverfrog

What an interesting start. I'm not sure what direction the story will go in. Will it be a tragedy where Dax's powers end up hurting others, a comedy where Felix tries to help but ends up putting Dax into tricky situations or something else? Perhaps Felix is seeking powers himself and when villains start to appear he goes looking for the source of their powers?

In the way of some constructive feedback the story so far sounds like a recap rather than an introduction. It is as if the reader is already familiar with the "secret origin" but is having it played back from a different angle. In one way that is good because you've gotten the reader involved straight away. On the other hand you've also lost the chance for a punchy attention grabber where the hero's motives are laid bare for the first time.

Well, Dax doesn't really have a motivation yet. Felix is pretty much just driving him forward for now.

The story will be primarily an Action Adventure, with a few iconic elements like Romance and Comedy thrown in. There will be angst, and a few comedic elements, but it won't dwell into either one too much. Hopefully Chapter 3 is the best representation on the tone of the story later.

Thanks for your feedback!

@cdk

Well, I've gotten a pretty good beta. Do the edit(s) fix your pet peeve, or are there more problems?

Thanks for your feedback!

Dragon King · #7 01-13-2011, 02:23 AM

I actually really enjoyed this - almost certainly something I'd pick up in a bookstore if I started it. I'll keep an eye out for more

Alex Slade · #8 01-13-2011, 03:02 AM

This is close to awesome! I enjoyed reading this very much. My whole life I've been into super heroes, and I have the biggest stash of marvel comics in my room. I'd have to say I do like the more grittier, maturer styles of heroes, but that's just me, and that wasn't what you were going for here. What you were going for here worked perfectly, and I would pick it up in a bookstore if i saw it like Dragon King said.

Good work!

Lilcross · #9 01-13-2011, 09:23 AM

Thank you, Dragon King and Alex Slade! Chapter 3 is, what, half-way finished?

Lilcross · #10 01-17-2011, 12:33 PM

Chapter 3 uploaded.

Oh, and Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 edited. You should probably skim over Chapter 2, an edit will come into play later.

Feedback again appreciated.

winterstorm · #11 01-23-2011, 01:45 PM

Hahaaha, "Winx Club". I probably laughed at this because I didn't see him as being that normal, meaning, doing normal human things, watching tv, watching the Winx Club. I know he is human, but I guess I figured that since he spends time around Dax, his interests in those things would change or something like that....

Felix admiration of Dax read's well.
I like the 3rd chapter, the ending had nice humor too it.

TheTurncoat · #12 01-25-2011, 04:47 AM

Really good start! I agree that the POV of the sidekick has a lot of potential. Especially the idea that he is pushing the hero along to utilise his powers and the concern as well.

You can tell they care for one another and it's fun seeing how they would talk about the preparations. Two rookies in a non-existent game learning the ropes with only comic books for reference.

When you say there will be romance - will this be Dax or Felix?

I agree with TuxedoBoonee that the detail is crucial, especially as the character of Dax grows and learns more about his powers.

Keep it up, I am looking forward to reading the rest.

hoverfrog · #13 01-25-2011, 05:05 AM

Have you read "Superpowers: A novel" by David J Schwartz? This reminds me of the beginning narrative of that. I'm interested in seeing when things go wrong for Dax and Felix. I want to see them challenged so that I can see how they react. That could be a super villain, an armed robbery, a careless accident or just a disagreement.

Lilcross · #14 01-27-2011, 03:50 PM

"Have you read "Superpowers: A novel" by David J Schwartz? This reminds me of the beginning narrative of that. I'm interested in seeing when things go wrong for Dax and Felix. I want to see them challenged so that I can see how they react. That could be a super villain, an armed robbery, a careless accident or just a disagreement."

Actually, I haven't. I'll check it out! The challenge you'll see will probably happen sometime in Chapter 6, or maybe later than that.

"Really good start! I agree that the POV of the sidekick has a lot of potential. Especially the idea that he is pushing the hero along to utilise his powers and the concern as well.

You can tell they care for one another and it's fun seeing how they would talk about the preparations. Two rookies in a non-existent game learning the ropes with only comic books for reference.

When you say there will be romance - will this be Dax or Felix?

I agree with TuxedoBoonee that the detail is crucial, especially as the character of Dax grows and learns more about his powers.

Keep it up, I am looking forward to reading the rest."

The romance will probably be for both of them. I haven't thought up a decent love interest for either though.

Hahaaha, "Winx Club". I probably laughed at this because I didn't see him as being that normal, meaning, doing normal human things, watching tv, watching the Winx Club. I know he is human, but I guess I figured that since he spends time around Dax, his interests in those things would change or something like that....

Felix admiration of Dax read's well.
I like the 3rd chapter, the ending had nice humor too it.

Well, this is the series of flashback chapters, so you'll be able to see the differences of his personality before and after the superhero thing.

Lilcross · #15 02-15-2011, 04:27 PM

Chapter 4 is uploaded!

P.S: Going to change the title of the story to Felix Wright: A Sidekick's Story, so be sure to remember that when I upload a new a chapter.

Lilcross · #16 02-16-2011, 06:20 PM

Chapter 5 is now uploaded!

P.S: Can't change the title, unfortunately.

Lilcross · #17 02-23-2011, 07:32 PM

Chapter 6 is uploaded!

Again, feedback greatly appreciated!

aeomis · #18 02-27-2011, 05:19 PM

This is an interesting take on the superhero origins story. I wish there was more of felix's reaction though, I felt it was more telling than showing. I also like that you are thinking more about the real dangers of what can happen with super powers. When you watch cartoons or read comic books, the villians always get the Tom and Jerry treatment and never seemed to be perminently injured from the heroes attacks. While I liked that you were writing Felix as the brains of the outfit, I thought it was a little wierd you were explaining the powers to the superhero. Somehow I felt that Dex would be able to feel for himself when he has reached his limit or what he can make water do. Keep up the awesome work!

Lilcross · #19 03-02-2011, 12:42 PM

^ Thank you for the CC!

What part do you think I should expand on Felix's reaction?

I'd have to disagree with your last comment, though I see where you're coming from. I always disliked when the Hero instantly knows how to use his powers correctly, so I added the bit where Felix breaks it down for him. Him understanding his powers better alone helps him apply them better.

Chapter 7 uploaded!

Juiliuswrites · #20 03-03-2011, 05:07 PM

This was simply fantastic, thank you for sharing such a wonderful story Lilcross. I look foreword to reading more from you.

Lilcross · #21 03-04-2011, 09:19 AM

^Thank you very much!

Juiliuswrites · #22 03-04-2011, 11:53 AM

^it's not a problem at all, I really enjoyed your stories of Felix and Dax

Lilcross · #23 03-05-2011, 06:32 PM

Bite-sized Chapter 8 upload.

Kinda-sorta The End of Part 1.

Juiliuswrites · #24 03-05-2011, 06:47 PM

I like that ending, it was realistic how Felix couldn't help himself from smiling, I know for sure that if I'd become a superhero or sidekick and I was being praised like that I would be laughing and smiling the whole time. Oh and nice names, I especially like "the cube" it's really amusing, to me at least. Oh and also, sparring is spelled with two r's.

Lilcross · #25 03-14-2011, 03:32 PM

^ Thanks!

Chapter 9 uploaded!

Lilcross · #26 03-21-2011, 12:28 PM

Chapter 10 uploaded!

Lilcross · #27 03-28-2011, 08:15 PM

Chapter 11 uploaded!

Lilcross · #28 04-07-2011, 04:02 AM

Chapter 12 uploaded.

Lilcross · #29 04-22-2011, 10:31 AM

Final Chapter uploaded.

This is the end of Part One, but just because it's finished doesn't mean I will stop editing previous chapters and this one. After all, I plan to get this published.

Part Two is already on the way. However, it the title will be 'Felix Wright: A Superhero's Story', so keep your eye out for it.

It's unfortunate that I couldn't add all the things I wanted into the last chapter but it would have screwed up the pace, so.

Lilcross out.