Hello, old friend

kenev · #1 09-28-2010, 12:34 PM

He is a man of desolation. His composure is defined by the trajectory that time left. The wrinkles on his forehead deepens and indents when he frowns, as if accentuating what the years have done to him. Smoke surrounds his face, leaving a veil behind him. The cigarette is almost combusted till the end of the butt, and he can't help to be reminded how close he is to the end of the path of his life. He blinks slower than normal eyes would, and he calls it his desperate attempt to capture the remaining beauties in life itself. He enjoys solitude as his companion and silence as his friend. Years of experience teach him they are indeed the best acquaintances one can ever make. Sitting on the red chair, he glances at the scattered autumn leaves and listens to the year's last smile. He knows it is the last time he can ever witness the mouth of autumn curves, but what he does not know is that why no one realize how beautiful a picture can autumn paint.

He is also a man of the past. His eyes glint with tapestries of history. His thoughts are retained on the timeline of the past. He rejects the possibilities the future endow. The regret in him has developed a depressing aroma around him; the grief hidden behind his eyes has diminished the glow his eyes exude. Lacking confidence and a sense of security, he lives in a world of his own. Once in a while, he glances back at life and recounts the number of girls he discretely admired and relives the dreams he once possessed. More often than not, tears will linger in his eyes, and he cannot understand why opportunities were not grabbed and initiatives were not taken. He indulges himself in his ocean of memories and savors the bitterness that regrets left.

The last puff of smoke fades and the last bit of the cigarette falls among the leaves. A great weight is gradually put to his eyebrows, and the last view he beholds is the regret reflected from the tears he shed.

Discordia · #2 09-29-2010, 02:47 PM

Bit of a downer, which is not exactly a bad thing, I thought it was very well written as well. Like a glimpse into the life of someone who draws nearer to the inescapable, yet peacefully accepts his fate. Although it is a downer, it is kind of beautiful at the same time.

kenev · #3 09-29-2010, 05:16 PM

Thank you. I guess I more or less intended to have it written like a note to myself to prevent my being like him.

Discordia · #4 09-29-2010, 10:35 PM

That`s a good idea I guess, sometimes I think how about how much it would suck to gow old if things don`t turn out so great LOL. Actually, I don`t think you should stop yourself from being like him COMPLETELY. He kind of just rolls with things and accepts how they turned out, and since he cannot go back and change things, I think it`s a very good way to hande things. My two cents of course.

kenev · #5 10-02-2010, 07:27 PM

Yea I kind of get what you mean. I just hope it won't be a portrait of my life. But yeah, there is a certain beauty with the way he deals with inevitable facts. After all, pondering more about them will only leave traces of grief and sorrow behind.

jenni1607 · #6 06-23-2011, 04:16 PM

I was dragged into this piece. I found the character description (whether it a real person or a fictional character) fascinating. I find it hard to write character descriptions and could only hope to write one with such clarity and skill that you have.

singphantom7 · #7 07-03-2011, 05:46 PM

I was drawn into this right away. Yes it is heavy, but your style is poetic and you paint with your writing beautifully. I felt I could see this character, and I could appreciate the small, pretty things like fall the way he did.

A few typos here and there. Clean it up and it's a really lovely description.

Ramy · #8 07-22-2011, 09:29 AM

I see this story as very deep psychological analytic to a man who was once a smart and egocentric personality and who was losing chances by dozens, and now all he got is his introvert character.

/\LEX · #9 08-11-2011, 03:08 PM

Well it reminds me of a painting I once saw, all dark and gloomy of a hunched over man.

As far as the writing goes, to me it seems like a piece you have gone over and over again, struggling with 'getting it just right' and then putting it up for evaluation with the attitude, 'well that's the best I can do, so if they don't like that then there's nothing more I can do.' I remember struggling with this, and I wrote some really strained crap which, after reading back to myself objectively, I knew was not the kind of writing I could use for a whole book. (just imagine reading a whole book in the style above) .

So then, although there is some clever use of language here, there is no flow in it. Its 'strained' and the sentences are a bit too short. So my advise would be to loosen it up a bit by writing about something completely different, perhaps something you know a lot about. Try to come up with a good 'idea' or 'message' for the writing, and the way in which it is written will not matter so much, and will paradoxically improve.

kenev · #10 03-07-2012, 06:33 AM

@ jenni1607 : This is what I picture myself some years later. And I wrote the majority of it from my personal experience. I'm a very nostalgic person, so I find writing about regret and sorrow especially enjoyable. Thank you for the comment, and I am sorry I have only seen it today. It really boosted my confidence in picking up writing again, as I haven't done so in a few months. I also happened to stop by your blogspot, and your tips on writing is really helpful!