music ghosts (comment)

[ClarindaBraxton]

Music Ghosts

This is supposed to be funny. By the way there are probably a lot of grammar mistakes as this is a very early piece of writting

“Lilly, Rose, if it’s not too much to ask I would appreciate it if you could take this down to the basement,” Mr Timber asked them.
“What basement,” Lilly asked confused.
“The music basement,” Mr Timber confirmed.
“What music basement,” she asked again and her friend Rose sighed in annoyance.
“For god sake, I’ll take you down there,” she said.
“Thank you Rose, don’t forget to take these with you ok.” The two of them nodded with a smile and then picked the two ancient speakers up and took them down to the music basement.

They entered the music block were they could here violence; piano’s and voices from all around. “These things are the lightest speakers that I’ve ever carried.”
“Tell me about it, they must have nothing but dust in it and now there shoving it in the cold and lonely basement.” They came to the old wooden stairs and the temperature changed, it was suddenly quite cold. “I see what you mean by cold,” she looked down again, “And lonely.” The two of them carried the speaker down carefully looking down at all times because the steps were really steep and you couldn’t really see what was below you. “I wonder if it’s open,” Lilly questioned and Rose pushed it open with no problem. “Right, well that’s solved. Here’s the next crisis, lets try and find a space for these things.”

They looked around and found quite an empty space in left hand corner at the back of the room. “I wonder why this is empty.”
“Probably because they took loads of stuff out to use and never put it back,” Rose answered and then put the speaker down. Next Lilly went forward and put her speaker down but it felt really weird, like something cold was touching her skin. They walked out and before they reached the first step they heard a voice. “What are you doin’ down ‘ere?” There was quite a large woman with one of those really short hair cuts.
“Well um, Mr Timber you see, asked us to come down here and put these stereos back and um..” she was cut of by the women.
“Its not very safe for young children like you to be down here,” she sounded evil and wicked, like a witch. “Now I want you to tell Mr Timber that I’m locking this door and nobody else is aloud down here ok?” The two of them nodded and as she walked away the two of them stared at her kind of mad.

They walked back to the main building and when they were walking down the lunch queue (which was a corridor) they saw Mr Timber carrying a wheel barrow with a load of stuff from the school play in it. “Did she find it,” Mr Timber asked as a joke. “There was a women who locked the music basement, she said it was to dangerous for us to be down there.” Mr Timber sighed.
“I supposed she was right, I shouldn’t really have let you go down there. Its not really kid friendly is it.”
“We’re not kids,” Lilly protested.
“Then its not really teen friendly.” He smiled at the two of them and walked away looking like a farmer, the two of them laughed and then went back into the school hall where every body was playing badminton.

It was now the afternoon and they had double English. Rose hated
English but it was Lilly’s favourite lesson, she just wished that she didn’t have the most boring teacher in the whole school, Miss Littlewood. Miss Littlewood was small, skinny but with quite round hips, a lot of wrinkles and don’t forget the grey hair. “Right girls, now today we are going to start a new topic, Shakespeare,” she sounded delighted in her squeaky high pitched voice. Every time she spoke her students found it funny. “Oh no,” they all moaned.
“Quiet, it’s on the curriculum, not only will you have to do it now but you will have to do it for GCSE in order to get it.”

She had started to pass out copies of the books to everyone and when she had done she stood at the front of the class (in front of the white bored) and opened the book to the first page. “Now before we begin I will be saying to you that we are going to focus mostly on Beatrice and Benedick alright,” she said and started to read. “Why do we have to listen to Miss Littlewood drone on about the most boring thing on earth,” Rose questioned.
“At least you only have to put up with it at school; I have to put up with it at home from my sister. I blame Mr Perkins, I hate him Argh,” she whispered. They read the first 4 pages and then Miss Littewood set them some work; at least they were now aloud to talk.

“Do you think that there’s a real reason why that women locked the music basement?” Lilly asked.
“Probably because she’s a murderer and she’s left all the ghost’ souls in there to suffer from claustrophobia.”
“Ghosts can’t get claustrophobia, there dead and claustrophobia is a human condition.”
“Imagination Lilly, imagination, anyway. Maybe we should go and check out the music basement again.”
“Good idea, come on.” The two of them got up, Miss Littlewood with an angry expression on her face. “How dare you two get up in the middle of my lesson, detention!” The two of them laughed enjoying annoying her anger and then they ran out of the room, room 2.

They were running up the stairs and passed the side of the staffroom which was opposite the music block. Rose opened the door for Lilly and when she stepped inside the corridor she closed it behind them. The music office was behind then and they saw Mr Timber with a smile on his face until he saw them two. “What are you two doing here, you don’t have a lesson and you look like you’re up to…mischief.”
“Um, well er, we have to er,” they had no excuse, dam. Why didn’t they think of one? “I think you should go back to you’re lesson, does you’re teacher no that you’re here,” he asked suspiciously. The two of them shook there heads. “Right well, maybe I should take you back.” He put the two girls in front of him and then they walked out of the music block, outside, down the stairs and were now on the ground floor of the school again.

Miss Littlewood was still searching the corridors for them; apparently she had searched the whole school grounds obviously except for the music block. “Oh thank goodness,” she put her hand over her heart. “I was so worried; I thought that you had run out of the school. What on earth do you think you were doing?” She asked yelling at the top of her voice. “Well we just wanted to see if,” the two of them looked at each other and then Lilly finished, “I left my phone in there during music but couldn’t find it.” Mr Timber shook his head because he knew that they were lying.

“I’m sorry Miss Littlewood about there behaviour. They really should have asked shouldn’t of they,” he said and she nodded a little bit over the top. She turned her head to her class to see if they were behaving but they were watching the scene. When she turned back she saw that the two girls were gone, they had rushed of. “Mr Timber, go and find them, NOW!” He looked scared but did what she commanded. She sat and whimpered for a little while.

“I bet you there back in the music block, but why because I know that Lilly didn’t loose her phone,” he said scratching the back of his neck. He pushed the blue framed doors that led you into the music block and searched the corridor. He couldn’t find them anywhere, then he had a strange idea. “Maybe there in the basement, I heard them talk about it as I walked passed them.” There was a smile that crossed his face and then he rushed back down the corridor and into what he thought of as coldest part of the school. He tried to think of the sun as he walked down those black wooden stairs, he thought that this could be a vampire hang out.

He was now standing in front of the door of the music basement and saw them looking fascinated, well Rose was. Lilly looked a little bit scared which surprised him because she was into all those horror movies and stuff. “I knew that you two would be in here, now. Why are you in here?” He didn’t realise how frustrated he actually sounded. “We didn’t really get to see it,” Lilly said with a fake smile on her face. “Well it’s really not that fascinating. Just a room clustered with a bunch of old stuff that we have used in previous concerts, school play’s and just for music lessons really.” He walked over to the west wall. “See that black board, that used to be Mrs Wilks blackboard. I didn’t know her as I joined the school the year after she left but you know. I know a little bit about her from teachers and students that did know her.”
“We both had her. She did used to use that whiteboard.”

For a while it was quiet, Mr Timber seemed to be fascinated with the old and quiet room as well. “Right, well. Rose, Lilly, I think that we should go because Miss Littlewood will be even more worried.”
“Do we have to go back?”
“Look, I know that she’s boring but. You’ve only got 25 minutes left of you’re lesson. Now I can’t take you back, can I trust you to go back?” The two of them looked at each other nearly laughing. “I don’t think that you can because will probably just go to the toilets and go back to collect our bags at the end of the lesson.”
“Oh for god sake,” he sounded annoyed and the two nearly laughed. “Well I guess I’ll have to take you. Come on Ladies.” He made them walk in front of him again so that they wouldn’t run of. To be honest they wouldn’t have run of when they got to there class if it hadn’t been for the next thing.

They turned around and saw that the door was closed; Mr Timber scratched his brown hair. “Wasn’t this door open when we came in,” he asked.
“Well no it wasn’t. I think I did here a noise, a single bang that actually made me jump.”
“Me to, did you not here it Mr Timber?” Rose asked.
“No I didn’t, well let’s not fret over that, Lets get out of this boring room,” he put his hand on the door handle and tried to open it but couldn’t. “I’m now pretty certain that this door was unlocked when we first came in here.” There was quiet and then a scream. “Oh for FUCK sake! Why is this stupid bloody thing locked,” he kicked it. “Nobody can here us outside either, this room is basically sound proof.”
“I can scream really loud if you want me to,” Lilly offered and he smiled.
“Go for it.” She screamed at the top of her lungs.
3.
“Do you think that fat women’s out there,” Rose asked with a little bit of a laugh.
“Doubt it, and even if she was I don’t think she would of heard that,” the two of them laughed. “For fuck sake,” he yelled it again and even for the second time it surprised Lilly, she had never heard a teacher swear before. “Mr Timber do you have you’re mobile phone on you. Because if you do maybe you can call Mr Green and tell him to get us out of here.”
“Good idea,” Mr Timber sounded as if he had a sense of hope as he got his really old fashioned mobile phone out of his pocked. It was ringing, ringing but nobody would pick it up. “His in a lesson he wouldn’t have his phone on,” he put the phone back in his pocked, went up to the door and started to smack it with his hand.

They were in there for a while, ten minutes before anything else strange started to happen, and that strange thing seemed to happen 10 minutes after they first realised the first strange thing. “Oh no, I don’t like the dark,” Mr Timber said sounding really wimpy. “It was first like this at the Iron Maiden concert and I nearly screamed like a girl. Oh no I, I really have a bad phobia of the dark.” He went down to the floor and sat there as if his life was about to end. “Mr Timber don’t panic, that just makes things worse.” Rose said but Lilly didn’t say anything. The lights then flickered back, he looked up with sharp eyes making it so that they would stay on and then the lights were back on. “Oh thank goodness, I wouldn’t want to show two teenage girls my pathetic fear.”
“I have a fear of insects, that’s more pathetic.” Rose laughed thinking of the time when the two were in her room and a ladybird came in and then Lilly screamed.

“Should we try the door again,” Lilly asked and Mr Timber shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know if it will work.” Lilly got up after crouching over Mr Timber and as she reached the door she suddenly and so impossibly was lifted up the floor. “Ah,” she screamed not liking the feeling she got when she lifted of the ground even by one centimetre, she had a headache. “W, what’s going on? First the door, then the light, everything strange is going on and I, I wish it would just fucking stop.”
“Lilly I know you’re in trouble but I would really appreciate it if I didn’t here language like that.”
“Oh get over you’re self, I’m sure that you’ve heard it plenty of times before.” Mr Timber sighed and then put all his strength on trying to get Lilly back down to the ground.

“Lilly I want you to do one thing for me and that is stay still alright, can you do that?”
“I’ll try.” She said simply but she didn’t know if she could. She felt like her whole body was moving, even her heart. Mr Timber soon pulled her down by her feet and she felt even more relieved than she ever had done in her whole life. “Thank you,” she said. “No problem,” he answered. The two of them started at each other and then they moved on trying to figure out how to get out. “Well first of all we have to figure out how to get out of here,” Mr Timber said smartly. With that word something strange happened.

There was a voice that first Mr Timber heard. “Did you here that,” he asked. The voice was saying, “Where’s Jane.”
“Yeah,” Rose could now here it but Lilly couldn’t.
“Here what,” she asked with a strong voice and then suddenly it came to her ear giving her the biggest chills that she had ever felt. “My word, that is creepy.” Rose was against the wall with a lot of stuff around her, then it was all gone. Then in fact

everything else in the room was gone and she screamed. Mr Timber was going crazy because of the voice, Lilly was scared because the voice creped her out and made her feel uncomfterball and Rose was scared because the room except for them was completely empty.

“I don’t know who Jane is,” Mr Timber said. They knew what he was talking about but they could no longer here the voice. He kept on repeating that but in more and more angrier tones. Then suddenly his head was sliced off by what they knew was some invisible saw. The two of them started to scream, they had never seen anything so gross in there life. “Who’s there,” Lilly asked immediately. “We know you’re here somewhere, stop hiding coward.” The light in the middle of the room got a little bit brighter and suddenly a murky figure in the mist appeared. “Where’s Jane, I’m hungry?” It asked.
“Who’s Jane,” the two were confused at the moment not having any commonsense at that moment.

The door burst open and there she was, the big fat lady and she had a handful of knifes that she was carrying in her hands. “You two again, I warned you, you shouldn’t be down here, it’s dangerous.” The two tried to back away to the wall but they couldn’t because what they knew was a ghost, stopped them. “There we go, all nice and secure. You know this is my favourite thing about life, getting to murder little girls like you.” She walked forward with a ghastly, angry look. She lifted up each of the large sharp knifes that she had in her hands and stabbed the two girls each in the heart; they now collapsed on the floor and were dead.

There souls joined all of the people who Jane had killed including Mr Timber and the little girl who they actually knew. “Lucy,” the two of them said with there now withering voices. “I thought I recognized you to from somewhere,” she said with a smile. “So this is what it’s like to be dead,” Mr Timber’s ghost joined in. “Yeah tell me about it, boring. I think this is more painful than being killed.”
“Me to,” Rose said.”
“Me to,” Mr Timber agreed.
“I already know,” said Lucy and the four of them laughed sitting down there for eternity.

















5.

[Ollzie]

I found a few mistakes in regard to the use of "where" and "wear", "too" and "to", and other such words. Also, I was a bit confused as to who was speaking at times. Also, there were a couple unneccisary words and sentences here and there. If I were you, I would go through, and remove some of those, or alter my word choice a bit.
The sensibility of your writing, and how you used words like "queue" and "lesson" was quite charming.

-Ollzie