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The Victor

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  #1  
Old 01-07-2010, 03:29 PM
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Unedited: (one small change by request)

Nearly four years of war had come down to this moment. General Hanan Al Abitar waited until his personal guard had encircled the courtyard before making his grand appearance.

In his crisp, dark brown uniform, heavily decorated with medals befitting his rank, the tall, middle aged military leader strode confidently in beneath a glittering midday sun.

Tapping his short black riding crop against the side of his sharp creased pant leg he paused to survey his troops. Their eyes, as well as their rifles, were trained on the frail lone figure seated at the small round table in the center of the stone courtyard. Amir Fallah smiled at the general. He slid a hand from inside the sleeve of his white robes and gestured for the General to be seated. The general barked an order and his troops quickly shouldered their weapons.

The conquered Amir stood as the general approached. The two exchanged traditional greetings and the general accepted the Amir's offer to sit. It was the least he could for such an admirable opponent whose ill equipped military had had lasted far longer than the Hanan had anticipated. But the outcome was inevitable, and the strain of it showed on the Amir's venerable face. It was a shame that he would soon be executed.

"So it is finally over general," the Amir said, as he poured tea for his opponent. The pungent smell of rich herbs drifted up from the general's small white cup filling the afternoon with a relaxed sense of pride, and a slight twinge of remorse now that the battle was over, and the business of politics would begin.

"Yes Amir, it is done. The last of your army has fled into the hills. Even the peasants have abandoned their homes. As we speak, my flag is being raised above your palace rooftop. The capital is mine. All that is left is now under my command. You have but to surrender and put your fate in the hands of Allah."

Amir nodded and sipped his tea. Distant rumblings and the echo of sporadic gunfire told him the house cleaning had begun.

"Please, try the figs, General. They are fresh and sweet."

Hanan gently lifted one from the bowl on the glass topped table and popped it into his mouth. "They are good, Amir," he commented, as he wiped a hand over his dark beard and thick moustache.

He removed his red beret and laid it on the table next to the bowl. Leaning back in his wrought iron chair he let out a sigh as he reached into his shirt pocket and removed a short pack of cigarettes offering one to the Amir. The old man took it and leaned in as the general lit it for him with his gold lighter. A few silent puffs from the thin black cigarettes were followed by another fig and a sip of the tea.

Cordite drifted in on the desert breeze while overhead a heron winged it's way north toward the marshlands. The Amir smiled at it's effortless flight from harms way.

"Why did you not surrender years ago when the terms I offered were generous? Your son would be alive and the two of you would be safe in exile. He was a brave commander. Foolish but brave. I think perhaps he had too much of his father in him."

"Perhaps General you are right. But young men cling to ideals that old men like myself no longer cherish above all else. It is the price of diplomacy for which we barter our youth at the expense of our souls. The sands soak up our sacrifices like drops of rain. Our footprints vanish in the winds until even the memories are vague and eventually forgotten. How is your family?"

"It is kind of you to ask Amir. My wife and daughters are well and soon they will join me in the palace."

"That is good General. I am glad my wife had not lived long enough to see this war and the loss of our son. They await me, and before I join them I would hope that you grant me a simple last request."

General Abitar eyed the Amir. He lifted his beret and fit it into place on his head. Picking his cigarette pack and lighter from atop the table he slid them into his shirt pocket and straightened himself in his chair.

"What is it you wish, Amir?"

The Amir sat with his hands tucked inside his sleeves. His hawkish features stared blankly at the general. The gunfire had stopped, leaving only the echo of the wind as it rippled through the marble archways of the courtyard.

"I wish to die here in my courtyard with my tea and figs. If you will grant me this wish I will die a grateful man and take with me no grudge on my journey to the hereafter. Can it be so, general?"

"Tell me Amir, do you wish to be shot, or to be beheaded in the old custom? I will grant your wish and send you swiftly on your journey to your loved ones."

A series of loud explosions ripped the air. The ground beneath them shook unlike any explosion either of them had ever experienced before. The general quickly stood and looked around. His troops shuffled nervously, craning their necks to see what had caused such a tremor.

"What have you done Amir?" The general demanded to know as he trained his pistol on him.

The Amir was busy refilling their teacups as the roaring noise of what sounded like a train echoed across the desert toward them.

"It is the great waters of the Anwari, general. Please sit and have a final tea with me."

"Are you mad Amir? You have blown the dam. There will be nothing left of your beautiful city and your people. It will wipe all trace of you from the earth."

"My people are far from here general. What little resistance you encountered as you marched into my city were the remains of my army. Most of them I am sure your men have killed, and the ones that are still alive await the waters, as do I. Shoot me if you wish."

As the roar grew to an approaching thunder the general sat and picked up his cup. His men braced their backs against the courtyard walls. He placed his pistol on the table between himself and the Amir and popped another fig into his mouth.

"May Allah be with you, General."

"And with you."

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Old 01-07-2010, 04:59 PM
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Gaines you have a distinctive style of writing I love this story. It pulls you in and never lets you go. Good job, but that's an Understatement, great work.

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Old 01-07-2010, 05:27 PM
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Thanks for the comment and the compliment. It's all good. Thanks again Toronto.
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Old 01-08-2010, 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Gaines View Post
Unedited:


General Hanan Al Abitar < this man I feel we learn far too little about, his thoughts are never truly delved into waited until his personal guard had encircled the courtyard before making his grand appearance.

In his crisp, dark brown uniform, heavily decorated with medals befitting his rank, the tall, middle aged military leader strode confidently in beneath a glittering midday sun. Nearly four years of war had come down to this moment. <Here tell me more, this is almost the start of its own paragraph, and you could tell us mor thoughts as well about the duration.

Tapping his short black riding crop against the side of his sharp creased pant leg he paused to survey his troops. Their eyes, as well as their rifles, were trained on the lone figure seated at the small round table in the center of the stone courtyard. Amir Fallah smiled at the general. He slid a hand from inside his white robes and gestured for him to join him at his small table. The general barked an order and his troops quickly shouldered their weapons.

Hmmm I tripped on this one, a smoother introduction to this character would have been nice.

The conquered Amir stood as the general approached. The two exchanged their traditional greetings and the general accepted the Amir's offer to sit. It was the least he could for such an admirable opponent who's ill equipped military had had lasted far longer than the general anticipated. But the outcome was inevitable, and the strain of it showed on the old Amir's venerable face. It was a shame that he would soon be executed.

This was your card in your pocket, and once again its at the end of a paragraph, LOL are you trying to hide these more important sentences


"So it is finally over general," the Amir said as he poured tea for his opponent. The pungent smell of rich herbs drifted up from the general's small white cup filling the afternoon with a relaxed sense of pride, and a slight twinge of remorse now that the battle was over, and the business of politics would begin.

Nice above

"Yes Amir, it is done. The last of your army has fled into the hills. Even the peasants have abandoned their homes. As we speak my flag is now being raised from you palace rooftop. The capital is mine. All that is left is now under my command. You have but to surrender and put your fate in the hands of Allah."

Ok Gaines youve got a great voice, so why now in this declaration do you give off to a stiff speach when it SO could be braveheart? How would YOU have said to your enemy that you conquered? Zeal man, show me zeal.

Amir nodded and sipped his tea. Distant rumblings and the echo of sporadic gunfire told him the house cleaning had begun.

"Please, try the figs. They are fresh and sweet."

Hanan gently lifted one from the bowl on the glass topped table and popped it into his mouth. "They are good, Amir," he commented, as he wiped a hand over his dark beard and thick moustache.

He removed his red beret and laid it on the table next to the bowl. Leaning back in his wrought iron chair he let out a sigh as he reached into his shirt pocket and removed a short pack of cigarettes offering one to the Amir. The old man took it and leaned in as the general lit it for him with his gold lighter.

^^^^ RIGHT HERE RIGHT HERE ABOVE, you could have said why he sighed and pulled his beret off. Was he tired of war? Was he sad about the loss, did he really feel such respect for the Amir? AND TADA your character becomes someone I want to know more about

A few silent puffs from the thin black cigarettes were followed by another fig and a sip of the tea.

Cordite drifted in on the desert breeze while overhead a heron winged it's way north toward the marshlands. The Amir smiled at it's effortless flight from harms way.

"Why did you not surrender years ago when the terms I offered were generous? Your son would be alive and the two of you would be safe in exile. He was a brave commander. Foolish but brave. I think perhaps he had too much of his father in him."

"Perhaps general you are right. But young men cling to ideals that old men like myself no longer cherish above all else. It is the price of diplomacy for which we barter our youth at the expense of our souls. The sands soak up our sacrifices like drops of rain. Our footprints vanish in the winds until even the memories are vague and eventually forgotten. How is your family?"

"It is kind of you to ask Amir. My wife and daughters are well and soon they will join me in the palace."

"That is good general. I am glad my wife had not lived long enough to see this war and the loss of our son. They await me, and before I join them I would hope that you grant me a simple last request."


Very nice work above !

General Abitar eyed the Amir. He lifted his beret and fit it into place on his head. Picking his cigarette pack and lighter from atop the table he slid them into his shirt pocket and straightened himself in his chair.

"What is it you wish Amir?"

The Amir sat with his hands tucked inside his billowy sleeves. His hawkish features stared blankly at the general. The gunfire had stopped leaving only the echo of the wind as it rippled through the marble archways of the courtyard.

"I wish to die here in my courtyard with my tea and figs. If you will grant me this wish I will die a grateful man and take with me no grudge on my journey to the hereafter. Can it be so, general?"

"Tell me Amir, do you wish to be shot or to be beheaded in the old custom? I will grant your wish and send you swiftly on your journey to your loved ones."

A series of loud explosions ripped the air. The ground beneath them shook unlike any explosion either of them had ever experienced before. The general quickly stood and looked around. His troops shuffled nervously, craning their necks to see what had caused such a tremor.

"What have you done Amir?" The general demanded to know as he trained his pistol on him.

The Amir was busy refilling their teacups as the roaring noise of what sounded like a train echoed across the desert toward them.

"It is the great waters of the Anwari, general. Please sit and have a final tea with me."

"Are you mad Amir? You have blown the dam. There will be nothing left of your beautiful city and your people. It will wipe all trace of you from the earth."

"My people are far from here general. What little resistance you encountered as you marched into my city were the remains of my army. Most of them I am sure your men have killed and the ones that are still alive await the waters, as do I. Shoot me if you wish."

As the roar grew into a thunder the general sat and picked up his cup. His men braced their backs against the courtyard walls. He placed his pistol on the table between himself and the Amir and popped another fig into his mouth.

"May Allah be with you general."

"And with you."
The rest was great, and skimming on my first read to it was well worth the finish. I only put above to try and get the beginning to be as strong yes?

I liked the piece a lot so thats why I had so much to say, just some polish, wax on my friend
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  #5  
Old 01-08-2010, 08:22 AM
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Thank you for your comments Calli. It's interesting to see what readers want from a story. As is my habit I try not to divulge too much in a story. It tends to make it too lengthy, and I fear I take the imagination of the reader from the telling. Your points are well taken and from a readers standpoint I certainly see why.

In reply to a few of your suggestions I tried to avoid embellishment on the generals matter of fact statement that he had conquered the Amir's country. War is a tiring business and for the general having it end is somewhat sad. He is a soldier first, and the thought of politics bores him. Hence the "sigh."

For me, placing the execution of the Amir at the end of the paragraph serves to give it a matter of fact sense of the inevitablity mentioned in the preceeding sentence. There is no fanfare to the outcome. Simply a victor and the vanquished. A sad finality for both.

As for zeal, and how I would have told my enemy I had conquered him, I would have done so as I had written. Why? Respect for the sacrifices the vanquished endured.

This is probably a vague explanation at best, but again you make very good points.

Thank you for commenting. It is appreciated greatly.
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Old 01-08-2010, 01:28 PM
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What makes this story great is that readers from other countries will interpret it differently. It deals with war, but it also deals with terror. It takes a lot for these fanatical groups to kill themselves and inflict terror on others. A good example is the Algerian Revolution which 3 million perished. In fact, it was the intellectuals that made the decision to kill their own people and blame the French. The Algerians blew up their own apartments with women and children, carried them out and said “look what the French have done”. With wars and revolutions, you need to inflict massive terror on the public so that living or dying doesn’t matter. If you fast forward to what’s happening in Iraq and Pakistan, you can see why this story is so relevant today. What Gaines did was to allow the reader to interpret the story and let ones imagination take over

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Old 01-08-2010, 01:45 PM
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There is a calm power and reverence created in this piece, very precise like the words of the General.

I don't have a great deal to offer, I think this is well written and for a story as short as this, I felt like the characters had a genuine depth. Even though it is a brief moment being shared by them, the history of everything that has led to it is very real for the reader. The mind works to fill in all those horrors of a four year war without you having to do more than briefly mention it. Very effective work.

My one suggestion would be, try making "Nearly four years of war had come down to this moment" the very first line of your story. I think this will serve to instantly slam the reader into the moment. I feel like the opening sentence now is well written, but not very engaging, even a little cliche (grand appearance etc.) I don't think the sentence should be changed, it's good, but as an opener to this hyper efficient piece, it doesn't quite hit the mark for me.

Just a thought. Good work.
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Old 01-08-2010, 02:01 PM
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You are the second reader to advise me that the opening line should be as you suggested. I had considered that when I wrote it. I was ambivalent about making that change but hearing the suggestion again I shall take heed and do so now.

Thank you for taking time to read my piece and comment.
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Old 01-08-2010, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Gaines View Post
Unedited: (one small change by request)

Nearly four years of war had come down to this moment. General Hanan Al Abitar waited until his personal guard had encircled the courtyard before making his grand appearance.

In his crisp, dark brown uniform, heavily decorated with medals befitting his rank, the tall, middle aged military leader strode confidently in beneath a glittering midday sun.

Tapping his short black riding crop against the side of his sharp creased pant leg he paused to survey his troops. Their eyes, as well as their rifles, were trained on the lone figure seated at the small round table in the center of the stone courtyard. Amir Fallah smiled at the general. He slid a hand from inside his white robes and gestured for him to join him at his small table. The general barked an order and his troops quickly shouldered their weapons.

I can't help feeling the above paragraphs could be better arranged. That is, I don't think you need a new para for each action.

The conquered Amir stood as the general approached. The two exchanged their traditional greetings and the general accepted the Amir's offer to sit. It was the least he could for such an admirable opponent who's who's = who is, you want whose ill equipped military had had lasted far longer than the general anticipated. But the outcome was inevitable, and the strain of it showed on the old venerable says it better Amir's venerable face. It was a shame that he would soon be executed.

"So it is finally over general," the Amir said as he poured tea for his opponent. The pungent smell of rich herbs drifted up from the general's small white cup filling the afternoon with a relaxed sense of pride, and a slight twinge of remorse now that the battle was over, and the business of politics would begin.

"Yes Amir, it is done. The last of your army has fled into the hills. Even the peasants have abandoned their homes. As we speak my flag is now being raised from your palace rooftop. The capital is mine. All that is left is now under my command. You have but to surrender and put your fate in the hands of Allah."

Amir nodded and sipped his tea. Distant rumblings and the echo of sporadic gunfire told him the house cleaning had begun.

"Please, try the figs. They are fresh and sweet."

Hanan gently lifted one from the bowl on the glass topped table and popped it into his mouth. "They are good, Amir," he commented, as he wiped a hand over his dark beard and thick moustache.

He removed his red beret and laid it on the table next to the bowl. Leaning back in his wrought iron chair he let out a sigh as he reached into his shirt pocket and removed a short pack of cigarettes offering one to the Amir. The old man took it and leaned in as the general lit it for him with his gold lighter.

A few silent puffs from the thin black cigarettes were followed by another fig and a sip of the tea.

Cordite drifted in on the desert breeze while overhead a heron winged it's it's = it is, you want its way north toward the marshlands. The Amir smiled at it's ditto effortless flight from harms way.

"Why did you not surrender years ago when the terms I offered were generous? Your son would be alive and the two of you would be safe in exile. He was a brave commander. Foolish but brave. I think perhaps he had too much of his father in him."

"Perhaps General it's his title you are right. But young men cling to ideals that old men like myself no longer cherish above all else. lose this and the point is stronger It is the price of diplomacy for which we barter our youth at the expense of our souls. The sands soak up our sacrifices like drops of rain. Our footprints vanish in the winds until even the memories are vague and eventually forgotten. How is your family?" Great dialogue but that last sentence is out of the blue. Maybe a short action tag to introduce it because it seems to require a pause.

"It is kind of you to ask Amir. My wife and daughters are well and soon they will join me in the palace."

"That is good General. I am glad my wife had not lived long enough to see this war and the loss of our son. They await me, and before I join them I would hope that you grant me a simple last request."

General Abitar eyed the Amir. He lifted his beret and fit it into place on his head. Picking his cigarette pack and lighter from atop the table he slid them into his shirt pocket and straightened himself in his chair.

"What is it you wish Amir?"

The Amir sat with his hands tucked inside his billowy what a frou-frou word for such a manly piece sleeves. His hawkish features stared blankly at the general. The gunfire had stopped leaving only the echo of the wind as it rippled through the marble archways of the courtyard.

"I wish to die here in my courtyard with my tea and figs. If you will grant me this wish I will die a grateful man and take with me no grudge on my journey to the hereafter. Can it be so, General?"

"Tell me Amir, do you wish to be shot or to be beheaded in the old custom? I will grant your wish and send you swiftly on your journey to your loved ones."

A series of loud explosions ripped the air. The ground beneath them shook unlike any explosion either of them had ever experienced before. The general quickly stood and looked around. His troops shuffled nervously, craning their necks to see what had caused such a tremor.

"What have you done Amir?" The general demanded to know as he trained his pistol on him.

The Amir was busy refilling their teacups as the roaring noise of what sounded like a train this is no time for similes echoed across the desert toward them.

"It is the great waters of the Anwari, General. Please sit and have a final tea with me."

"Are you mad Amir? You have blown the dam. There will be nothing left of your beautiful city and your people. It will wipe all trace of you from the earth."

"My people are far from here General. What little resistance you encountered as you marched into my city were the remains of my army. Most of them I am sure your men have killed and the ones that are still alive await the waters, as do I. Shoot me if you wish."

As the roar grew into a thunder the general sat and picked up his cup. His men braced their backs against the courtyard walls. He placed his pistol on the table between himself and the Amir and popped another fig into his mouth.

"May Allah be with you General."

"And with you."
Apart from your usual nonsense of missing out half the commas needed for direct address in dialogue, this isn't too bad. A few suggestions that you can take or leave as you choose. The new opening line is far batter, by the way.

Much as it chokes me to say it, dear Gaines, (notice the commas, will you?) this is a really good story, well told. Almost reminds me of Hemingway. Pity I don't much like Hemingway.
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Old 01-08-2010, 02:46 PM
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Not much from me except that I usually am not interested in reading about these kind of things; but I didn't realize until I had finished it, and I was left with a feeling of an immense satisfaction, the kind one only gets when having read something spoken by a great voice.
This piece felt as real as real can get.
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Old 01-08-2010, 02:55 PM
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Just to hear you say the story was good makes me blush with excitement. My punctuation does suck on a very high level of inefficency. I intend to address that issue; someday; soon.

That sentence you said was out of the blue was intended that way. I wanted to yank the reader back to the moment. Dramatic effect. (oops)

As for frou frou, I'll have you know I am quite secure in my machismo.

Sorry to hear you're not a Hemingway fan. (right...)

Thanks for the critique and the comments.

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Old 01-09-2010, 03:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Naranwien View Post
Not much from me except that I usually am not interested in reading about these kind of things; but I didn't realize until I had finished it, and I was left with a feeling of an immense satisfaction, the kind one only gets when having read something spoken by a great voice.
This piece felt as real as real can get.
You are too kind. Thank you for your comments. Glad you were pleasantly surprised.
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Old 01-11-2010, 05:49 AM
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Hey Gaines, included a few thoughts below. Hope you don't mind and that they help.

Originally Posted by Gaines View Post
Unedited: (one small change by request)

Nearly four years of war had come down to this moment. General Hanan Al Abitar waited until his personal guard had encircled the courtyard before making his grand appearance.

In his crisp, dark brown uniform, heavily decorated with medals befitting his rank, the tall, middle aged military leader strode confidently in beneath a glittering midday sun.

No problem with long sentences here, but I feel the above could work better if split up a bit into two or more sentences (or something to that effect so that it's not one sentence). Something to consider at least, anyway. Maybe switch places with confidently and in, too?

Tapping his short black riding crop against the side of his sharp creased pant leg he paused to survey his troops. Their eyes, as well as their rifles, were trained on the lone figure seated at the small round table in the center of the stone courtyard. Amir Fallah smiled at the general. He slid a hand from inside his white robes and gestured for him to be seated. The general barked an order and his troops quickly shouldered their weapons.

Suggest a comma between the two underlined words.

The conquered Amir stood as the general approached. The two exchanged their traditional greetings and the general accepted the Amir's offer to sit. It was the least he could for such an admirable opponent whose ill equipped military had had lasted far longer than the general anticipated. But the outcome was inevitable, and the strain of it showed on the old Amir's venerable face. It was a shame that he would soon be executed.

"So it is finally over general," the Amir said as he poured tea for his opponent. The pungent smell of rich herbs drifted up from the general's small white cup filling the afternoon with a relaxed sense of pride, and a slight twinge of remorse now that the battle was over, and the business of politics would begin.

"Yes Amir, it is done. The last of your army has fled into the hills. Even the peasants have abandoned their homes. As we speak my flag is being raised above your palace rooftop. The capital is mine. All that is left is now under my command. You have but to surrender and put your fate in the hands of Allah."

Suggest a comma.

Amir nodded and sipped his tea. Distant rumblings and the echo of sporadic gunfire told him the house cleaning had begun.

"Please, try the figs, General. They are fresh and sweet."

Hanan gently lifted one from the bowl on the glass topped table and popped it into his mouth. "They are good, Amir," he commented, as he wiped a hand over his dark beard and thick moustache.

He removed his red beret and laid it on the table next to the bowl. Leaning back in his wrought iron chair he let out a sigh as he reached into his shirt pocket and removed a short pack of cigarettes offering one to the Amir. The old man took it and leaned in as the general lit it for him with his gold lighter.

Suggest a comma.

A few silent puffs from the thin black cigarettes were followed by another fig and a sip of the tea.

Cordite drifted in on the desert breeze while overhead a heron winged it's way north toward the marshlands. The Amir smiled at it's effortless flight from harms way.

Liked the above bit, Gaines.

"Why did you not surrender years ago when the terms I offered were generous? Your son would be alive and the two of you would be safe in exile. He was a brave commander. Foolish but brave. I think perhaps he had too much of his father in him."

Maybe switch places with the two words there?

"Perhaps General you are right. But young men cling to ideals that old men like myself no longer cherish above all else. It is the price of diplomacy for which we barter our youth at the expense of our souls. The sands soak up our sacrifices like drops of rain. Our footprints vanish in the winds until even the memories are vague and eventually forgotten. How is your family?"

Maybe move General to the end of the sentence. Or simply pop in a comma before you. I'd say popping General at the end would read better though.

"It is kind of you to ask Amir. My wife and daughters are well and soon they will join me in the palace."

"That is good general. I am glad my wife had not lived long enough to see this war and the loss of our son. They await me, and before I join them I would hope that you grant me a simple last request."

General Abitar eyed the Amir. He lifted his beret and fit it into place on his head. Picking his cigarette pack and lighter from atop the table he slid them into his shirt pocket and straightened himself in his chair.

"What is it you wish Amir?"

The Amir sat with his hands tucked inside his billowy sleeves. His hawkish features stared blankly at the general. The gunfire had stopped leaving only the echo of the wind as it rippled through the marble archways of the courtyard.

"I wish to die here in my courtyard with my tea and figs. If you will grant me this wish I will die a grateful man and take with me no grudge on my journey to the hereafter. Can it be so, general?"

"Tell me Amir, do you wish to be shot or to be beheaded in the old custom? I will grant your wish and send you swiftly on your journey to your loved ones."

A series of loud explosions ripped the air. The ground beneath them shook unlike any explosion either of them had ever experienced before. The general quickly stood and looked around. His troops shuffled nervously, craning their necks to see what had caused such a tremor.

"What have you done Amir?" The general demanded to know as he trained his pistol on him.

The Amir was busy refilling their teacups as the roaring noise of what sounded like a train echoed across the desert toward them.

"It is the great waters of the Anwari, general. Please sit and have a final tea with me."

"Are you mad Amir? You have blown the dam. There will be nothing left of your beautiful city and your people. It will wipe all trace of you from the earth."

"My people are far from here general. What little resistance you encountered as you marched into my city were the remains of my army. Most of them I am sure your men have killed, and the ones that are still alive await the waters, as do I. Shoot me if you wish."

As the roar grew into a thunder the general sat and picked up his cup. His men braced their backs against the courtyard walls. He placed his pistol on the table between himself and the Amir and popped another fig into his mouth.

"May Allah be with you general."

"And with you."
As for the story, I felt you tackled a tough issue and well, props for that. More people should write about life instead of writing about things that have little to do with the world. Anyway, a nice a read that I enjoyed. Thanks for sharing.
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Last edited by DavidGil; 01-11-2010 at 10:18 AM..
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Old 01-11-2010, 08:29 AM
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Very nice, interesting read, Gaines! I like the quiet serenity of the moments in the house, being hospitable and drinking tea and all. I especially like that the General at the end comprehends the situation and, instead of raving against it, sits down and enjoys his last moments with a worthy foe.

I'd give more thorough SPAG, but looks like that's already been covered. Thanks for a good read!
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Old 01-11-2010, 10:16 AM
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I must be getting mellow with age, because your SPaG faults just slide by my eyes now, allowing me to soak up the thoughts, images and speculations as I read. You hooked me, lulled me into the centuries-old culture and kicked my old butt right out of my ergonomic chair. This piece is almost as good as your story of Buddha in everything, G.I.
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Old 01-11-2010, 12:45 PM
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You got nominated for Members Choice...


JERK!


Just kidding, great job, and all that jazz.

Calli
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Old 01-11-2010, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by calligraphy View Post
You got nominated for Members Choice...


JERK!


Just kidding, great job, and all that jazz.

Calli
That's MR. JERK to you sweetcheeks!!! Thanks bunches!
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Old 01-11-2010, 02:43 PM
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Thats bunches of thanks to Q, though I am going to check the level of her cupboard...

dunno what she was drinkin to nominate your guts on there lol

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Old 01-11-2010, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Paco View Post
I must be getting mellow with age, because your SPaG faults just slide by my eyes now, allowing me to soak up the thoughts, images and speculations as I read. You hooked me, lulled me into the centuries-old culture and kicked my old butt right out of my ergonomic chair. This piece is almost as good as your story of Buddha in everything, G.I.
Thanks Maj. I appreciate the fact you now overlook my shortcomings and goings. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
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Old 01-11-2010, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by HoiLei View Post
Very nice, interesting read, Gaines! I like the quiet serenity of the moments in the house, being hospitable and drinking tea and all. I especially like that the General at the end comprehends the situation and, instead of raving against it, sits down and enjoys his last moments with a worthy foe.

I'd give more thorough SPAG, but looks like that's already been covered. Thanks for a good read!

I had hoped you would read this piece and notice the bit about the tea sharing. Glad you did and glad you liked it. Thank you.
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Old 01-11-2010, 06:18 PM
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Enjoyed the story. It flowed excellently and it had a distinct tone and mood to it, which I particularly felt worked in the context.

One thing: you missed the two 'its' --> 'it's' correction when editing your story. Q pointed it out also.

But the nomination was well placed.
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Old 01-12-2010, 03:17 AM
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Thank you SW. As evidenced by the critiques I need to edit before posting. It's a bad habit I have when posting for reading rather than attempting to get a story published. Laziness on my part.

Appreciate the comments.
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:03 AM
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... what a great ending. The ending alone would make a great opening to a story!
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