First Two Chapter- Help Needed Please

[TheRedBaron]

OK, No idea why it had gone all funny. Sorry everybody.
Hello, this is a story i have been writing its going to be much longer, but i would like you guys (and gals ) to read it and suggest ways to improve it. Thanks alot, I'm sure it will really help me

Chapter One – Calm before the Storm
Two Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty Two Borank, Western System
Fifteenth December
23:56 PM

[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'] The Lander streaked across the sky silently. It moved from cloud to cloud as if protecting its cargo, its matte black hull making it invisible to all but the trained eye. [/font][FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']On the ominous, dark drop doors lay the menacing Empire of Terra emblem[/font][FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']. Inside men in battle armour prepared; checking guns, applying camouflage paint and praying. [/font][FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']Captain Theo Price looked into the eyes of each of his men, seeing routine etched into their soul. They were ready, they had to be.[/font][FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'] Theo looked around at the men he had trained with, first gone into combat with, his brothers in arms.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']He ran a hand through his short ginger hair and listened to the ending of Private Ivan Fisher’s prayer. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For the Empire is total, it holds the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.”[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']He gave a firm nod to Ivan as he looked up, Ivan didn’t reply back. That didn’t surprise Theo, Ivan was a small man who kept himself to him self, and he had a deep brooding voice at the best of times. [/font]

[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'][/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'] The light in the Lander changed from blood red to a sickly yellow. All the Soldiers in the hold moved as one, checking their silenced SA160 assault rifles one last time, then hauled ammunition into their webbing pockets. Four 50 round clips each. Ivan stared to position his radio on his back. Private Lavern Lott was checking over his sniper rifle placing bullets twice the size of the SA160 into the main chamber and Corporal Calvin Todd stuffed his bullet proof satchel with the high grade explosives they needed to breach the city walls, and the smaller but more powerful explosives they needed to destroy their target. Captain Price spoke loudly and clearly as the men were getting up around the drop doors; he could not have any misunderstandings on this mission. Not again. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Four months ago Borank broke away from the Empire. As I’m sure you all know. The leader of this rebel scum is General Benedict Cram. He will be up in the city's main barracks so we don’t have to worry about him, but if the chance comes, and trust me if it does, we will grab it with both hands. We are ordered to kill him, via any means possible.” He looked around the room, judging by the looks of his men, they fully agreed with him. Captain Price looked at Lieutenant Markus O’Brian with his bright golden eyes, a gift from his Rackon mother, and then gave him a firm nod just like the one he gave Ivan. The Irish lieutenant stepped forward, turned and scratched his bushy moustache before addressing the Commandos. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Right lads, plan's simple a one. We get dropped two miles south-east of the city, we are then to move up to a military outpost and take it out. Then we radio top brass and they are gonna send some lovely fly boys to make some noise. We then blow a hole in the city’s wall, make our way to the Power house, hopefully passing the tavern on the way.” He smiled widely and so did some of his men, but mostly it was received with indifferent looks. Markus swallowed and carried on. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Anyway, inside the Power house are the main power generators and these great big generators holding up that massive shield that our army just can’t seem to break down. We set charges and get the hell out of there, then once the shields are down brass are going to send in the footsloggers. Afterwards we ‘ave to help with the retaking of Camthenre however we can. Got it?”[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']Before any replies the yellow changed to green. It was time to go.[/font]

[FONT='Cambria','serif']Chapter Two- Gate Crashes[/font]

[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'] The drop doors hit the ground with a heavy thud and the men poured out, searching the trees with their night vision goggles. It was late autumn therefore the trees were mere skeletons of there former glory. It didn’t take long for the Lander to hover away and the men set off. Captain Price watched his cloud like breath for a few moments before looking around the forest he hated, there could be so many ambushes waiting for them and he was certain a near by patrol would hear them crunching pine cones beneath their feet. Why did Borank rebel anyway? Borank was a small farming world on the western fringes, he had read about them losing contact with the world and the week later was now. How could something like this happen with out one Empire servant knowing? Spies were a possibility. He shook his head slowly as he moved up with his men. It wasn’t impossible but he reassured himself with memories of the measures the Empire took to root out spies, but some always managed to slip by. He was snapped out of his thoughts, they had reached the outpost, and he took point and led his men up a hill to get a better view.[/font]

[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'] Theo flicked a switch on his goggles, it took a few second for the green to change to blue thermal vision, and he counted a good twenty so soldiers, with four patrolling guards, moving around the perimeter of the outpost in pairs. He made a signal and his squad moved around him in a tight circle.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Right we’re splitting up into two groups, Lott stay here and when I give the order take out the pairs.” He gave a nod and mutters something about killing the rebels. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Then I will lead A squad to the building and surround both doors. O’Brian will take B squad and cut the power. The soldiers in the building should then leave problem solved. They are clearly not expecting an attack.” He nodded to his team, he went over the plan again and they set off. [/font]

[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'] Two quite thuds in the night, two dead rebels. Markus watched the Captain lead his team away to the eastern side of the compound. They had just cut from the wire mesh fencing and led the squads in. There were three buildings, one was the main barracks, music was playing and the sound of shouting men filled the air. Must be some sort of party. He led his squad to the closest and smallest building. Another quite thud.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']He peeked through the window. And another thud. He slowly pushed the door open and flicked on his torch, supply store. Markus sighed and pushed back lead his squad across the open tarmac to the other building, he lead Calvin Todd in, while the rest of the team guarded the outside. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“How much will it take?” asked O’Brian, stroking his moustache.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Just a stick should do it. I’ll put one and a half in to be sure.” He stood there examining the iron block, it was making a low humming noise. “Then again, that could alert any nearby patrols, we could try and break the main frame or try and access the-“He was cut off by O’Brian. He shot one round into the generator and the humming noise stopped. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“See? Easier then messin about laddie.”O’Brian replied with a smug look, he left Todd standing there. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Lucky shot” Todd finally retorted, mostly just a mutter to himself.[/font]

[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'] The first of the Borank soldiers staggered into the dark. Price could hardly believe the lack of discipline. They we’re drunk. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Fire.” The air filled with little snips and the men fell, only went four or five were left did they realize the danger but it was too late. Captain moved up slowly with his squad, his weapon ready, as he entered the building it was clear. They were having an independence party, Irony strikes at the worse times Theo thought, amused by the subject. After a few moments searching the base, discussing plans with O’Brian and radioing Private Lott to rejoin them, they decided to carry on. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Sir! Over here!” The deep voiced shout came from the far side of the compound, near the large barbed wired gate. Price and his squad jogged over. Ivan had found an old supply truck with the keys inside it. Ivan chose not to speak, he just calmly walked over to the gate and started to open it, a few other commandos soon made their way over to help him.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“We could pass through any patrols abit easier with this eh sir?” O’Brian said. Todd, who had been with Captain Price when Fisher found the truck, clambered up and checked the fuel. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Almost full as well and the back is full of explosive. Do you know what I’m thinking? He said with a smile on his face, Todd had a love for anything that moved on wheels or tracks.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“It’s a trap.” Price claimed. [/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“How do you see that sir?”[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Drunken guards protecting the flank? The only flank which the city’s walls are thin enough for us to break through? A truck big enough to carry us all, with a full tank and a lot of supplies? In fact” He bent over and stuck his hand under the truck and pull over a brown package.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“A bomb attached to the gas tank, you turn the engine on and this thing goes up, along with all that explosives.”[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“How do you know sir?” Ask O’Brian, He like most of the squad were bewildered. Price pointed to his ears, they had a golden tint.[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']“Half Human, Half Rackon remember? I heard the bomb ticking along. I have much better hearing than the average human.” He smiled slightly. “Anyway, less talk, we’ve wasted enough time already.” He raised his voice to a shout “On me men, Moved out!”[/font]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']Price started jogging down the road with his men in tow, after a few minuets his thoughts moved to the bomb, Spies? Or did they just expect an attack on this flank? Either way he had a feeling that the mission was about to go badly wrong.[/font]

[TheRedBaron]

Sorry about it all going wrong, anyone have a clue why?

[Elizabeth_Wilk]

hi!

nice read! liked the starting of it! it looks like starting from nowhere and leading oneself in the story directly!
i'm not a fan of these kinds of read! but it was fairly written.
i really loved the expression "blood red to a sickly yellow"

ps:i dnt know what went wrong!!!!!