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The pain in your silence (a love poem)

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  #1  
Old 07-12-2009, 10:54 PM
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Default The pain in your silence (a love poem)


There are tough times for everyone on this earth,
but later it always feels these were never really worth
Coz the pain they cause, the marks they leave,
on our heart are worse than anything can ever be
In times of strife, one may look within,
to find answers to problems we are facing

Love is not just a word, itís worth a life
itís worth a life; on you, which depends all the while
It takes lot of guts to say ďI Love YouĒ
it takes even more to live my dreams alongside you
Time keeps on testing us with problems,
This may seem to loosen the bond of love that we are in


But itís in such times that real stories are made,
when Love battles against all odds and wins the game
I might never have been true to myself,
this might cause the relation, always to be over a shelf
I try hard; I have toiled hard to be the one,
whom you can smilingly accept as your only one

Love means me being there for you, you for me
and silence kills the meaning of what you mean to me
my heart jumps in joy when I see you smile,
when I see you chattering and sharing all the while
then why does silence have to be part of Love?
if silence was always there, we would never have fallen in love
at times itís good to say a few things, to let the thoughts out
be it good or bad, but itís good to say
thatís when I will understand your view and maybe, out of the blue
I will be able to let myself out and say 'I Love you'

-----Downpour

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Old 07-13-2009, 04:07 AM
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On the whole, this felt more as prose to me than as poetry. Sometimes I changed my mind and thought 'oh no, wait, this does sound lyrical', like with
But it’s in such times that real stories are made,
when Love battles against all odds and wins the game
I might never have been true to myself,
but after that it went straight back to prose for me. I think this could be a powerful little piece, but if you want to keep it as a poem you'll need to scrap a lot so you're showing and not telling, and if you decide to change to prose, you'll have to get rid of several rhymes. I'd personnaly go for the latter, because some of the rhymes seem rather forced to me. I'll comment in more detail once you decide if you want poetry or prose
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Old 07-13-2009, 10:27 AM
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I just want to say that there are some very good ideas in this poem. They just need to be fleshed out more. I really like the feeling and the emotions of this poem but it seems to me like it's a first draft, or still in the infancy stages of what this poem could be.

The biggest problem in this poem, is the lack of details. You say a lot of things in this poem, but I can't find one concrete detail that differentiates this poem from a million other poems. You need to include the details because without the details, the reader gets bored. All he or she hears is love and pain and silence, but these are all general kind of words, they don't really describe anything real. You have to include as many concrete real things as you can, you have to put yourself in the poem, as naked as you can, that's what makes a poem interesting.

Anyways, I want to reiterate that I love the feeling and I love what you're trying to do. Keep working and keep writing!

-Michal
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Old 07-13-2009, 07:33 PM
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I will agree with the previous poster who said it sounds more like a prose.... it lacks a lyrical or "musical" quality. It needs more rhythm in my opinion. However, it does contain good content.
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Old 07-14-2009, 09:44 PM
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I agree with what's been said about this being too general and prose-like. It would be better to focus on the silence and showing how that affects the relationship.
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