Master of the Flame

[MiMi]

Ok, have mercy. here is one I wrote about 10 years ago. I plan to take this slow. I do want honest but not cruel critique.



Master of the Flame


He lit the flame of a pure white candle
a flicker of life
growing higher
a sway of his hand
this way
and that
fanning the flame of a pure white candle
He gently blew
and it grew
a bright orange red
giving it life
with a tender breath
fanning the flame of a pure white candle
Dancing and weaving to the spell of its master
the flame knew no boundaries
until
taking a deep callous breath
the Master pursed his lips
and blew the life from a pure white candle

[Daedalus]

Hi, Mimi. Sorry, I'm not here to comment on your work. Apparently, you're having a problem with your PMs and posting in threads? Did you see the PM I sent you? If you could tell me what exactly you're doing to post in threads and send PMs, I'll take a look into fixing it for you.

PS: If you can't send me a PM, reply here. I can delete the posts later for privacy.

[MiMi]

Thanks, I think I am slowly getting the hang of things. Its just not not being able to respond to people that made me uncomfortable.

Since I was able to post this poem, I guess there is no problem.

[HoiLei]

Hi MiMi! I like the rhythms of this one. The ending begs the question of whether the Master had the right to blow out the candle, since the flame is equated to life. Granted, he created it, but once it lives on its own, should he be able to snuff it? I suppose one could argue that the candle-flame doesn't live independent of him... it consumes the fuel he provides. Ah, random moments of philosophy are a pleasant diversion.

My only suggestion would be to use some punctuation. Little commas and periods here and there contribute a lot to meaning, by showing the way ideas relate to one another. I'll put my suggestions in red so you can see them. (I'm assuming that capital letters mark the starts of sentences.)

Originally Posted by MiMi

Master of the Flame

He lit the flame of a pure white candle:
a flicker of life
growing higher
a sway of his hand
this way
and that
fanning the flame of a pure white candle
He gently blew
and it grew
a bright orange red;
giving it life
with a tender breath
fanning the flame of a pure white candle
Dancing and weaving to the spell of its master
the flame knew no boundaries
until--
taking a deep callous breath--
the Master pursed his lips
and blew the life from a pure white candle

Interesting read; thanks for posting!

[El902]

Hi MiMi, and welcome to WB! (since I didn't get around to your Intro Thread )

I loved the flow of this -- I'm not a big fan of poetry since I was so horrible at it when I attempted :P I can't tell you the ins-and-outs like HoiLei can, but I can sure tell you that it had a nice rhythm, and the pace gave it wonderful impact. I don't often see repetition used rightly ("fanning the flame of a pure white candle") but you used it with perfect stead.

An all-over good read.

El

By the way, I'm merging your previous posts: If you find that you've forgotten to say something, just use the Edit button located at the end of every post, instead of double posting.

[MiMi]

In my original it had the punctuations, I guess I deleted an important element. My thinking was to take out my interpretation on how I felt it should be read and leave it up to the reader.
I do understand what you are talking about when you said "should he be able to snuff it?", my meaning in the poem is not if he had the right, he simply "did".

[Castiel]

I enjoyed this. It had a nice flow to it. Reminded me of something you might see in a vampire film. Anyway, thanks for posting.

[SW]

I will be back. Promise!