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They Dare To Run

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  #1  
Old 07-04-2008, 08:09 PM
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Default They Dare To Run


They Dare To Run

They dare to run bare foot in such white-hot sand
Their mouths wide open, crying like punished children
Tears fall leaving a trail of their sins and regrets

They dare to sink their heads in such white-hot sand
Not even trying to hold in their breath
Forgetting about the skin burning off their face

They dare to leave their bodies out in such white sand
Some are naked, slowly roasting
Others fully dressed,
as if dressed for the occasion of a lifetime

I walk among them to see this ritual
No one pays attention to my invisible shape
Those that cry, cry louder
when they notice my presence
No one sinks their head
until we make eye contact
The bodies hanging out are for me to devour

I stop to see my reflection…
Nothing about me is diverse

They dare to run from me in such white-hot sand
I promised them harmony and only gave them conflict
I claimed beauty, but showed them repulsiveness
Love is what I preached, and instead they saw my hatred

And now they run

The world is ending and I am the only one laughing
I’m the demon meant to rid of this world
with all my hatred and nobody ever told me.

They dare to run
As I watch and
celebrate
my triumph over their minds

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  #2  
Old 07-06-2008, 10:31 AM
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It was a slight bit choppy, but i liked it. I had some serious raw hatred there.
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  #3  
Old 07-07-2008, 12:43 PM
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Looks ok but I think a little reformatting might help. As such I have taken the liberty to redistribute some lines and change a few word as an example.

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Originally Posted by De Alba View Post
They Dare To Run

They dare to run, bare foot in such on white-hot sand
Their mouths wide open,
crying like punished children
Tears fall
leaving a trail of their sins and regrets

They dare to sink their heads in such white-hot sand
Not even trying to hold in their breath
Forgetting about the skin, burning off their face

They dare to leave their bodies out in such white sand
Some are naked, slowly roasting
Others fully dressed,
as if dressed for the occasion of a lifetime

I walk among them to see this ritual
No one pays attention to my invisible shape
Those that cry, cry louder
when they notice
my presence
No one sinks their head
until we make eye contact
The bodies hanging out are for me to devour

I stop to see my reflection…
Nothing about me is diverse

They dare to run from me in such on white-hot sand
I promised them harmony
and only gave them conflict
I claimed beauty,
but showed them repulsiveness
Love is what I preached,
and instead they saw my hatred

And now they run

The world is ending
and I am the only one laughing
I’m the demon meant to rid of this world
with all my hatred and nobody ever told me.

They dare to run
As I watch and
celebrate
my triumph
over their minds
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  #4  
Old 07-08-2008, 07:42 PM
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Thanks Chris K. for the input. It does still need some work, that's for sure. I enjoyed the mods you did to it Tau Worlock. I have taken that and did those changes as well as added a few more. The only part that still bothers me is:

I stop to see my reflection…
Nothing about me is diverse

The word diverse really bugs me now. It seems out of place. It also feels like its not enough to get the point across.
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Old 07-09-2008, 08:42 PM
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An interesting, emotional piece. I especially liked this part:

They dare to run from me in such white-hot sand
I promised them harmony and only gave them conflict
I claimed beauty, but showed them repulsiveness
Love is what I preached, and instead they saw my hatred

And now they run
As to the part you're having trouble with, perhaps try these words in place of diverse:
  • separate
  • distinct
  • odd
  • unusual; and perhaps even
  • different
Play around with different word combinations. You may also want to restructure that part completely, change the order of things around. Work with it until you're happy.

Thanks for sharing. =)
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