the caterpillar

[Tifted]

it's not done yet, but i want to see what people think. it's been forever since i last posted something. It's a story that I began a few months ago, forgot about, then tried to get back into place.




The Caterpillar that tried to rule the world

“It’s a famous myth shared between every tribe, every person. I don’t know how it happened, but every culture invented this story—it doesn’t matter if you lived in the forest, or if you lived in the cold North, you probably heard this story earlier in your life, usually when you’re just a child, growing up into a man.

The Allfather, after defeating his father for control of the galaxy, settled down specifically on this plane, above the heavens, and lived his life towering above everything else, and people just came out of their holes, and from there expanded and slowly became what we are now.

But one of the things we people are notorious for is the ability to be hungry. We are always hungry even after we eat, in the sense we need other things—if we keep them in moderation is fine—but there were other things we need, more land than we need, dogs and lots of them (for they are so cute!), even more land, a fire to keep us warm, music to be in our ears, everything. It’s what makes us different from the other animals at least is their temperance.

In the forests bordering Africa, the wild caterpillar lived—and still do—but because they lived in such an obscure location to us people, they knew very little of us. Information went from animal to animal, even if they lived in the cold North, they knew about us.

The next part of the tale is pretty sketchy, but I was told when I was a child that the animals were given misinformation about us—lies either designed by other animals, or lies born from the spread of information. But in my required visit to the Holy City in the deserts on the other city of the world, I once spent the night with a gentlemen, his wife and his five sons and daughters, and as he was reading this story to his daughter, the youngest one, he said that the animals told themselves the truth about us people, and we had a brief discussion about that, but it’s not important now.

Anyway, the animals did not do much when it came to the appearance people, but they were getting angry at us—men cutting down the forest and burning down the wood, and hunting more buffalo than we needed, using the bones of fish—they had a long list against us.

But one day, a caterpillar in the forest had enough about learning all the things we were doing back then. His name was Wait and he wasn’t a very large caterpillar, and had friends larger and bigger and even smarter, but there were two things that all the caterpillars in the world did not have that Wait had: the ability to come up with just one world changing idea, and the determination to see that good idea through. ‘I am leaving to stop the people, and taking control of the world’ Wait said, one day in front of a large assembly of friends, ’any one may come with me, and I will appreciate anyone who comes with me, for I know the travel will not be the safest,’

The other wild caterpillars laughed, and even the butterflies, although usually never showing their mean side, laughed at Wait, but despite the public embarrassment, seven other caterpillars and one butterfly joined Wait on his journey. He didn’t tell anyone his plan, but asked his eight other friends for patience, and to keep their questions suppressed until he showed them what was going on. They traveled for a week’s time, until they left the forest and into the most hilly parts of Africa.

Wait reached the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean, and his eight followers were trailing behind. It was close to night, where the sun burned even more intensely; Wait asked his friends not to move, and then said, ‘Africa, Africa! Where are you?’ A second voice, so shaky and loud that his friends nearly fell off into the ocean from fear, said, ‘I am here where your feet are, what can I do for you?’ ‘Would it be okay if I could rule you? I would take care of you, like you were one of my own sons,’ Wait said.

‘Well, no one has ever asked the land to own it,’ the voice said, ‘okay. I like the way you’re very considerate. Yes. You may command me.’ Wait thanked the ground, and then celebrated with the continent about their new comradeship.

‘I plan to ask the other worlds for their permission, since it seems like they all are dreary, and are extremely fearful of people. If you truly analyze the time they’ve been here, and the way they shifted the world so much, you’ll be frightened too.’ Wait said. ‘When I have the permission of the entire world (for I don’t want to be rude) I will help everyone out, but for now. I don’t want to be rude.’

And with that, the land offered Wait a storm to ride across the ocean—it would take him to the Southern America. “I don’t get many of these things, so just be extremely careful.” Wait thanked the land, and then asked for a giant leaf to be provided, so his friends could have something to grab as they traveled across the seas.

Just as they were about to cast off, with the fury of the storm beginning to shift from above, one of the seven said they couldn’t make it.

“my wings are forming already,” she said, revealing her glass-and-veiny wings. they were undeveloped, like flowers waiting to bloom by the sun, but already the lavish patterns were in their initial stages. “i never thought this day was going to come; I thought it a problem something I was born with. it would be a sin if I didn’t allow these to finish.”

Wait thanked her, said he enjoyed her company, and prayed that they were going to encounter each some other day in the future. she wiggled off to the nearest tree, hiding in a small engraved canopy, and said she was going to start her metamorphosis when the storm was gone.

Wait and his friends tore the wind. it was as if the leaf was providing as wings. in the distance, lightning flashed, and they could see the giant blue eye of the storm, but all of them were having fun.

when they arrived on the shores of South America, they wandered through its strange dimensions and spacing, appreciative of the scene. a few tribes were in the landscape, and there were civilizations, but Wait tried his very best to ignore those people, and looked at them with great scorn. did they just not realize anything, he thought aloud, could they not have awareness of the things they do? creatures of different thinkings mystified the caterpillar.

his comrades wondered what Wait had detailed, because he never really revealed what he was thinking, nor did he ever manifest the slightest sign of talking. he only talked when he needed to.

Eventually, with enough days, and enough dangers unmentioned but not unnoticed, they reached to the very end of the continent, where the ocean tided. when Wait struck the ground with his assembly of legs, and began talking to the land, it didn’t need to be communicated; this was where it was going to happen.

“Revolutions and hatred are the only things I know. I know nothing else.” the land said, when awakened. it came out holding an automatic strapped to its chest, and a spare machete. Wait tried to approach the land, but it hopped back, afraid that it was about to be secretly ambushed.

“caterpillars do not carry weapons.” Wait said the land. the other caterpillars chimed in, respectively, to assure the land that they had no harmful intentions.

but the land was persistent, and felt very much betrayed. “I came here for a fight, and then all I see are you caterpillars! why shouldn’t I just shoot you all? I have the bullets. why don’t I just do that?” the other caterpillars were horrified, although Wait stayed in place.

“that sounds like a terrible idea; we might be explosive caterpillars. maybe we’re not really caterpillars—but rather booby-traps. maybe we’re not self-activating. maybe your wickedness is the true explosive canister. you should think before you jump headfirst into this battle against us caterpillars?”

“maybe I already thought of all that. I think I did at least; you can’t tell me what you think.” the ground of South America lowered his machine gun, and pocketed the machete. “but what is it that a group of caterpillars like you looking for?”

“well, with all due respect, i came here to ask for your permission—”

“—permission? I’m not liking that word.” the ground spit towards the sky.

“—to help you sleep better at night, to help you with functioning and life. to help you remember the days when the only fighting going on was between a creature and its meat. I’ve come to collect you. Will you be willing to let me own you—so I can help design a better future for you?”

“well—that’s odd. No one has ever asked the land before if they could be owned. I’m taking a liking towards your idea.” but the ground’s face dimmed, and somewhere, a mysterious frown-shape ripple bounced down a river, “how soon can you have the gunshots and the wounds end? how much longer of this must I deal with?”

“I don’t know how much longer. I had to ask the rest of the world for their permission before I can really start helping you all out.”

A mountain in an obscure corner of the continent avalanched. “I understand. but I know that you’re trying. so I’ll accept to your bargain.”

“I’m going to go to North America, and see what she has to say about this. She’ll probably want this as well.”

“Good luck with that. She’s always on the run. You’re not going to find her anywhere, but you can try. I’d go to the Airports and see what they have to say. They probably can give you a schedule.” the ground said.

“Thank you.” Wait said. “And if it’s any consolation, we aren’t actually exploding caterpillars. I hope that makes you rest easier at night.

the ground just grunted, and accepted the gesture as a sign of good will. Wait and his comrades journeyed up the landmass, hoping to reach the land beyond the Panama Canal. they continued walking; beyond the Rio Grande. when they arrived, they found a road that seemed linear, until they reached the first fork, at the turn that was the long driveway of a wealthy land owner.

usually, when walking through the jungles, there were pathways formed, but the caterpillars never noticed them. with the different pathways so very conspicuous to them, the caterpillars were confused.

“what should we do? there is only seven of us, but there’s two roads now. what do we do?”

[Mr Baatard]

Hi! Well it's entertaining, if not a bit confusing. That is to say it's enjoyable to read, but it's disjointed.

You had a good opening. I could imagine a parent telling a child a bedtime story. Your reference to some new mythology made me think it was sci-fi, which is cool.

But then you mentioned Africa, and I began to get confused.


Also, watch your sentence structure:

It’s what makes us different from the other animals at least is their temperance.

There's some subject/object confusion, and you're blurring two independent clauses. Bad grammar disrupts reading. Check your sentence structure. In fact that whole paragraph needs to be broken down into more manageable chunks.

But one day, a caterpillar in the forest had enough about learning all the things we were doing back then. His name was Wait and he wasn’t a very large caterpillar, and had friends larger and bigger and even smarter, but there were two things that all the caterpillars in the world did not have that Wait had: the ability to come up with just one world changing idea, and the determination to see that good idea through. ‘I am leaving to stop the people, and taking control of the world’ Wait said, one day in front of a large assembly of friends, ’any one may come with me, and I will appreciate anyone who comes with me, for I know the travel will not be the safest,’

Your idea is both interesting and endearing, but they're lost on grammar. Wrap text in proper quotes, use carriage returns, and end sentences after compete clauses. Start a new sentence with "Anyone may come with me,".

You have this interesting and entertaining fable blanketed in poor punctuation. You're using a lot of run-on sentences. You start sentences with lower-case letters. You misuse and misplace punctuation like commas, parentheses, and dashes. Publishers and literary agents don't want to have to edit your work. You must have a decent understanding of spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Also, don't use parentheses in spoken dialogue.

That being said, I think you're on to something here. You have a good idea. It would read well with proper SPAG (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) and some editing. Shore up your grammar and then you'll have a great story.

[Ash-a-lee]

I really like this story, I love how it is told in a old kind of Native American story telling way.