Words

[Baron]

deleted

[Voodoo]

Bit of a repetition.

[Baron]

Originally Posted by Voodoo

Bit of a repetition.

Quite so

[Voodoo]

Sad news, nephew.

Whuts the daddi yo?

You've a slash on your wrist and daddy didn't help.

Mommy said as much.

[Baron]

Stop being the riddler for a moment. The Caped Crusader has left the building.

[Voodoo]

You've added a line?

Hmm. Slow for me.

[Baron]

Haven't added anything. Slow? Just another mood.

[Voodoo]

You're rather somber tonight.

[Baron]

Originally Posted by Voodoo

You're rather somber tonight.

Your crystal ball is cloudy.

[Voodoo]

My mind isn't with fortune or cock, sadly.

[Brittany]

I like this poem.

[Voodoo]

I like stuffed animals.

[Baron]

Tears in a bottle is a Biblical reference, Jeremy. The Jewish women kept their tears in a bottle. A prostitute washed Jesus' feet with her tears.

[BlackWolf]

I like it. I like the repitition. It's a tool, Voodoo, not a fault.

[Baron]

This thanks is not sarcastic

[Azmacna]

i've done it again, sorry

[Azmacna]

Originally Posted by Baron

Words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf;

words, resounding, echo from someone, not myself.
Words have hurt me, caused my tears;
words have soothed me, dulled my fears.

i would write this like this... up to you

Words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf,

resounding, echo from someone, not myself.
Words have hurt me, caused me tears;
soothing words, dulled my fears.

it still presses the issue of words, but it doesn't press the issue of the word itself.

Grief, laughter, a stranger passing by me in the street;
a mirror image, a demon I don’t really want to meet.

Now I wonder, is it me,
this demon who must bow the knee?

Then Words, my mind, caught in a battle deep within.
Words, of hope; comfort, as I feel the peace begin;
a better person wins this day,
a better me will walk away,

Because of words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf.

Baron there's isn't much i can really say here, i can see you fighting with this poem to keep it touching but not melodramatic. it's in there Baron. if you revise this and loosen it up, i reckon this could be your best poem to date.

[Baron]

Thanks Az. I've made a few changes.

[Azmacna]

Originally Posted by Baron

Words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf;

Resounding, echo from someone not myself.
Words have hurt me, caused my tears;
Soothing words have dulled my fears.

even better than suggested

Grief, laughter, strangers passing by me in the street;

try: 'grief, laughter, strangers pass in the street'

Mirror image, a demon I don’t really want to meet.

this wrestles a lot with itself, try to smooth it a little

Now I wonder, is it me,
The demon who must bow the knee?

Then words, my mind, caught in a battle deep within.

i would lose this i think, nice tie in with 'Feel' but i think the rhythme should come first...

Words, of hope; comfort as I feel the peace begin;

this is the sort of thing that needs roughing up a bit.

a better person wins this day,
a better me will walk away,

Because of words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf.

it's definitely tighter but there are little pockets of bathos wanting to be charming. nice to see you trying a different approach to your poetry, Baron

[Baron]

Tahnks Az. The task continues. Not to lose feeling for structure or vice verse.

[Baron]

Okay Az, Edge agreed with you so deep has gone.

[IJG]

This is all a bit angsty and cliched. Tears in a bottle on a shelf? And?
Nothing actually happens in this. We're told how crap you feel straight away. Then you harp on about it. I can see that there is a metapoetic attempted but it doesn't come off. Ted Hughes wrote a good poem about writer's block.

[IJG]

I have actually read this again. There isn't much more to say. The tempo goes off in the second satnza, word order. The rhyme is ok but forced which makes the whole thing contrived. You should be grateful you have had an honest response and learn from it.

[Baron]

Originally Posted by IJG

This is all a bit angsty and cliched. Tears in a bottle on a shelf? And?
Nothing actually happens in this. We're told how crap you feel straight away. Then you harp on about it. I can see that there is a metapoetic attempted but it doesn't come off. Ted Hughes wrote a good poem about writer's block.

It is obvious that you have only read the first couple of lines of the poem and no further. "Tears in a bottle" is a Biblical reference. The poem has nothing whatsoever to do with writers' block or teen angst and there is nothing in the verses to suggest that it does.

Given your trollish and flaming behaviour in many of the threads I ask politely that you refrain from replying to any of mine in future if you can't at least read the poem before offering your comments.

[aprilrain]

I have deleted the offensive posts. Now we can get back to the original intent of this thread--to offer critique of Baron's poem. Please keep discussions of this sort on topic.

[IJG]

No I read the whole thing. And I've just read it again. You probably didn't ealise you were really writing about writers block. The sub-conscious evocative imagery you have created show this. But I still stand by my initial measured and inoffensive earlier constructive criticism.

[Baron]

Originally Posted by IJG

No I read the whole thing. And I've just read it again. You probably didn't ealise you were really writing about writers block. The sub-conscious evocative imagery you have created show this. But I still stand by my initial measured and inoffensive earlier constructive criticism.

This really doesn't merit comment.

[Baron]

Originally Posted by aprilrain

I have deleted the offensive posts. Now we can get back to the original intent of this thread--to offer critique of Baron's poem. Please keep discussions of this sort on topic.

Thank you

[BreezyWriter]

Originally Posted by Baron

Words

Words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf;

resounding, echos from someone not myself.
Words have hurt me, causing ed my tears;
although soothing words have dulled my fears.

Words, laughter, as strangers pass by me in the street;
mirror images or , demons I don’t really want to meet.

Now I wonder, is it me; ,
the demon who must bow bend the knee? You can bow a body or you can bend a knee

Then words , a from my mind,caught in battle within. I had some trouble with this last sentence.
Words, of hope ; of comfort as I feel the peace begin;
a better person wins this day,
a better me will walk away ,

Because of words, my life[ S],[/s] are tears in a bottle on the shelf.

With this poem one can feel the pain of the world on ones shoulder. It somehow with few words explains the callous way people are and how we have to become indifferent to survive.

Words

Words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf;

resounding, echos from someone not myself.
Words have hurt me, causing my tears;
although soothing words have dulled my fears.

Words, laughter, as strangers pass by me in the street;
mirror images or demons, I don’t really want to meet.

Now I wonder, is it me;
the demon who must bend the knee?
Then words from my mind, caught in battle within.
Words, of hope of comfort as I feel the peace begin;
a better person wins this day,
a better me will walk away.

Because of words, my life are tears in a bottle on the shelf


This is a really good poem that makes one really think of how really raw the world is becoming.

The changes that I put in were only to show that some of the tenses weren't quite right. Along with a few missing words. Some of the punctuation is a bit of a repitition but understandable in the circumstances. Seeing as you are putting a slight end along with a continuation of the sentences. That is why I didn't change most of them. I cleaned up the corrections I made hoping it would be easier to read. Though I would prefer you put your own words making it even more unique. I liked the rhyming.

[Baron]

Originally Posted by BreezyWriter

With this poem one can feel the pain of the world on ones shoulder. It somehow with few words explains the callous way people are and how we have to become indifferent to survive.

Words

Words, my life, tears in a bottle on the shelf;

resounding, echos from someone not myself.
Words have hurt me, causing my tears;
although soothing words have dulled my fears.

Words, laughter, as strangers pass by me in the street;
mirror images or demons, I don’t really want to meet.

Now I wonder, is it me;
the demon who must bend the knee?
Then words from my mind, caught in battle within.
Words, of hope of comfort as I feel the peace begin;
a better person wins this day,
a better me will walk away.

Because of words, my life are tears in a bottle on the shelf


This is a really good poem that makes one really think of how really raw the world is becoming.

The changes that I put in were only to show that some of the tenses weren't quite right. Along with a few missing words. Some of the punctuation is a bit of a repitition but understandable in the circumstances. Seeing as you are putting a slight end along with a continuation of the sentences. That is why I didn't change most of them. I cleaned up the corrections I made hoping it would be easier to read. Though I would prefer you put your own words making it even more unique. I liked the rhyming.

Thanks for taking the time. I will give thought to your suggestions.

The "bow the knee" and "tears in a bottle" are both borrowed from scripture, obscure references maybe but they were chosen deliberately.

Thanks again