WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Flash Noir - A piece of Flash fiction

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:37 PM
KWCaudle (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 18
Thanks: 12
Thanks 2
Default Flash Noir - A piece of Flash fiction


My trusty automatic gives a satisfying clack as I let the slide slap forward. Another forty-five caliber slug sitting at the base of the barrel. Poised there. Ready to bring forth the reaper on the next thug who dared cross me.
I slip the locked and loaded piece into its holster under my armpit. Shrugging my shoulders to get the rig to settle just right.
I grab my grey fedora as I make for the door. With a twist of the battered brass knob, I open my apartment to the dim hallway.
"I don't know who you are," I whisper. "But, death is looking for you tonight."

2012 KWCaudle

__________________
Just another guy who likes to write

Last edited by KWCaudle; 07-12-2012 at 04:34 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-12-2012, 03:06 PM
Marshin's Avatar
Marshin (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 362
Thanks: 22
Thanks 34
Default

That was great! I could totally see this in my minds eye; it would make a great movie trailer, I think!

This is the only thing I would change..
With a twist of the battered brass knob, I open my apartment door to the dim hallway.

Last edited by Marshin; 07-12-2012 at 03:54 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Marshin For This Useful Post:
KWCaudle (07-12-2012)
  #3  
Old 07-12-2012, 03:25 PM
KWCaudle (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 18
Thanks: 12
Thanks 2
Default Thanks

Thanks for the read. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I almost used door there, however I had just used it in the previous sentence and did not wish to over use it. Also, I liked the sense that he was opening the apartment itself to the hall.
__________________
Just another guy who likes to write
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-12-2012, 08:44 PM
Violet (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
New Author
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default

I like the imagery and it's very classic noir. For that one sentence ("I open my apartment to the dim hallway") how about "I stepped out into the dim hallway" or something like that?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Violet For This Useful Post:
KWCaudle (07-13-2012)
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How I Learned To Write Fiction starrwriter Writers' Cafe 5 08-26-2015 04:08 PM
Word Vault Flash Fiction - Summer Contest (WBQ 31) Tau Previous Contests 2 06-14-2011 01:35 PM
Word Vault Flash Fiction: WBQ24 - Comment Tau Previous Contests 11 10-11-2009 12:22 PM
The Word Vault Flash Fiction Contest Q Wands Previous Contests 1 12-17-2008 09:12 PM
Contest Results | Flash | Body Part (June 2008) Icarus Previous Contests 8 06-29-2008 05:24 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 06:46 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.