WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Free Writing

Free Writing Plot bunnies, random musings, etc. No one-liners.


All aboard the train of life

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 02-07-2011, 04:55 PM
gunner's Avatar
gunner (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 143
Thanks: 3
Thanks 2
Default All aboard the train of life


The train of life pulls from the station and carries us all to the final destination. From the town of Birth, the train will proceed toward the city of Death… All aboard.

The schedule is not published, and as if in some strange time warp, some passengers may arrive before others. You may well meet someone and strike up a conversation as you relax in the club car, never to see them again. It is safe to assume that the person had indeed arrived at the city of Death.

You watch the world race by outside the window, and at times the desire to disembark tugs at your sleeve, to explore beyond the glass, but the trains slows for no one. Life rushes by. You push your face against the cool glass, your eyes following the past as it fades from view. When the past is only a memory, you turn and look forward to what will be.

Across the aisle a man and women argue. They are young. A small child sleeps in the arms of the women. The man’s face is red, his eyes wild. The woman turns her head toward the window, seeing herself in the reflection, tears stain her delicate face. The angry words of the man will never be forgiven. Years later the grown child will learn of the man who was her father. She listens intently as her mother, so near her destination, reflects upon what could have been. But the train moved so fast…

A blind man makes his way through the car, though his eyes are unseeing, his hands, the left, then the right, grasp the seat backs as he propels himself forward down the aisle, unaware of the windows, of what passes him by. He smiles now and then, just in case there is someone looking his way. There is rushing air. A breeze, cool and refreshing crowds the stagnant air, pushing it away. The click-clack of wheels upon the rails is loud and intrusive. The doors slam shut and the air becomes stale once more, the intrusive sounds now a distant annoyance. The blind man has gone. Only his smile remains.

Two business men discuss their riches, their castles, their safes stuffed with the material things that great fortunes bring. They laugh and slap sweaty palms on imported material and tell of how they took the old woman’s property for a sum next to nothing. It is what they do, and they miss, through the window, through the grayness of the cigar smoke, their families standing on the platform, waving, grieving, as the train races past.

The rocking of the cars to and fro has a calming effect as darkness descends on the world beyond the windows. Life is passing unseen. There is an awareness of someone taking the seat next to you. The train loses momentum, slowing, the cars lurching as they switch rails, destine now for the station. A whistle, a mournful cry into the night, announces the arrival, brakes complain as steel bites into steel.

A voice from the seat next to you speaks without words and there is the feeling of warmth and comfort unlike anything you have ever known. You anxiously wait as the train slows, and then comes to a stop.

You disembark, and for the first time ever, you realize you carry no baggage.


End


Last edited by gunner; 02-11-2011 at 07:07 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-08-2011, 12:54 PM
gunner's Avatar
gunner (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 143
Thanks: 3
Thanks 2
Default

Thanks to someone for correcting the title. Very nice of you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-09-2011, 02:04 AM
Nadja
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

It's a fairly cliched idea but I enjoyed this, an easy read. I love the ending, the sense of peace that descends, and a wonderful final line. (I sure hope it's gonna be like that...) I don't think there should be a comma after 'realize' though. Also in the second last line, obviously it should be 'the train' not 'they train' .

Thanks for sharing!

Last edited by Nadja; 02-09-2011 at 02:11 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:07 AM
Redlorry
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

So much fitted into a short piece. I would love to see this extended. It reminds me of a play I was in: Pullman Car Hiawatha... I don't remember much about it, but for some reason it strikes a chord.

Nicely done.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:50 AM
gunner's Avatar
gunner (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 143
Thanks: 3
Thanks 2
Default

Nadja, thanks for reading and commenting. I have made the corrections you pointed out.

Redlorry, thanks for taking the time to read and add your comments.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-10-2011, 02:13 AM
Justified's Avatar
Justified (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Live in Lake District, Scotland is my home.
Posts: 16
Thanks: 2
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Yeah, I really like this.

The journey was too quick for me though. This is purely personal preference but I'd love to see this expanded into a short story, possible written in first person. Maybe with each chapter being a different character that he/she meets with a different story to tell/take on the journey. Perhaps also the journey could start and end with familiar faces at the station. That said I like it as it is, it's just that my imagination was fired enough that I really want it to be longer.

Thanks.
__________________
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:06 AM
gunner's Avatar
gunner (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 143
Thanks: 3
Thanks 2
Default

A good thought, Justified. I had not planned on expanding the piece, it was just something I did while free writing, but I guess there is story material there. Thank you for taking your time to read and add your comments.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-11-2011, 06:17 AM
Gaines's Avatar
Gaines (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Tidepool
Posts: 7,017
Thanks: 1,463
Thanks 870
Default

Originally Posted by gunner View Post
Can someone advise how to edit the title. Should read: All aboard the train of life. Thanks.

Overall I thought it was a good piece. A few suggestions I have that may or may not be worth consideration.


The train of life pulls from the station and carries us all to the final destination. From the town of Birth, the train will proceed toward the city of Death… All aboard.

The schedule is not published, and as if in some strange time warp, some passengers may arrive before others (on the same train.-I think you could delete this since the reader should know it is the same train you are speaking of.)


You may well meet someone and strike up a conversation as you relax in the club car, never to see them again. It is safe to assume that the person had indeed arrived at the city of Death.

You watch the world race by (just-a small nit but try the sentence without it) outside the window, and at times the desire to disembark tugs at your sleeve, to explore (that-again, try without it) beyond the glass, but the trains slows for no one. Life rushes by. You push your face against the cool glass, your eyes following the past as it fades from (your-delete) view, (and-delete-start new sentence with; When) when the past is only a memory, you turn and look forward to what will be.

Across the aisle a man and women argue. They are young. A small child sleeps in the arms of the women. The man’s face is red, his eyes wild. The woman turns her head toward the window, seeing herself in the reflection, tears stain her delicate face. The angry words of the man will never be forgiven. (Many years later, grown, the child will only then-wordy and cumbersome-rephrase-ex; Years later the grown child will learn of the man who was her father. She listens intently as her mother, so near her destinations,(did you mean to pluralize destination?) reflects upon what could have been. But the train moved so fast…

A blind man makes his way through the car, though his eyes are unseeing, his hands, the left, then the right, grasp the seat backs as he propels himself forward down the aisle, unaware of the windows, of what passes him by. He smiles now and then, just in case there is someone looking his way. There is rushing air. A breeze, cool and refreshing crowds the stagnant air, pushing it away. The click-clack of wheels upon the rails is loud and intrusive.

(Then the door slams shut and the air becomes stale once more, the sounds so intrusive, now but a distant annoyance.-rephrase; The doors slams shut and the air becomes stale once more, the intrusive sounds now a distant annoyance. The blind man has gone. Only his smile remains.

Two business men discuss their riches, their castles, their safes stuffed with the material things that great fortunes bring. They laugh and slap sweaty palms on imported material and tell of how they took the old woman’s property for a sum next to nothing. It is what they do, and they miss, through the window, through the grayness of the cigar smoke, their families standing on the platform, waving, grieving, as the train races past.

The rocking of the cars to and fro has a calming effect as darkness descends on the world beyond the windows. Life is passing unseen. There is an awareness of someone taking the seat next to you. The train lose(s) momentum, slowing, the cars lurching as they switch rails, destine now for the station. A whistle, a mournful cry into the night, announces the arrival, brakes complain as steel bites into steel.

A voice from the seat next to you speaks without words and there is the feeling of warmth and comfort unlike anything you have ever known. You anxiously wait as the train slows, and then comes to a stop.

You disembark, and for the first time ever, you realize you carry no baggage.


End

Enjoyed the read.
__________________
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy." Fitzgerald
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Gaines For This Useful Post:
gunner (02-11-2011)
  #9  
Old 02-11-2011, 07:17 AM
gunner's Avatar
gunner (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 143
Thanks: 3
Thanks 2
Default

Gaines, thank you for the detailed review of my piece. I agree I can get wordy at times. Throwing in words such as “just” and “that”, in most cases, add nothing to the meaning of the sentence. I have made the changes you suggested, and I think it reads much better. Again, thank you for taking the time to stop and read, and to offer your suggestions.

Last edited by gunner; 02-11-2011 at 11:16 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to gunner For This Useful Post:
Gaines (02-11-2011)
  #10  
Old 02-14-2011, 03:32 PM
Cityboy (Offline)
Still Clicking!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 4,595
Thanks: 30
Thanks 171
Default

Good stuff. Has me thinking of one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXd1ujlv5j4
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 02-14-2011, 03:45 PM
gunner's Avatar
gunner (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 143
Thanks: 3
Thanks 2
Default

Thanks for reading, Shelly, and thanks for the link. Very interesting. Twilight Zone was one of my favorite shows.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Free Writing


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
Love after Life lifeislove Non-Fiction 21 05-17-2009 03:41 AM
My Life (Random thoughts) brem Free Writing 1 01-27-2009 06:06 AM
Creep World (Chapter 18, newest Chapter) MalReynolds Fiction 1 12-27-2005 09:02 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 08:37 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.