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A Dancer'

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Old 02-01-2011, 04:17 PM
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Default A Dancer'


I have to say, I have had a terrible time trying to edit this so the layout was correct. It seems the more I try, the worse it becomes. Sorry.


A Dancer's Death



Mildred Fay was dead, much to the horror of the guest gathered around the hearth on that cold, winter afternoon in the great room of one Feebie Broadway. The Broadway home set upon a hill over looking the town of Cassville. On this particular day, twelve guests, each of whom spent considerable time over glasses of wine and warming themselves, were recounting their difficulties in life and love.
It was only after Mildred Fay, being the last to arrive, set about verbally attacking Mrs. Wilburn, that the guest began to slowly withdraw from the hearth and seek a more distant viewpoint from which to observe.
Mrs. Wilburn did not take kindly to the attack, and in a huff, had swung her purse at Mildred Fay in a failed attempt to do her bodily harm. Mildred Fay, calling upon her years as a student of dance, and being nimble in her body movements, ducked and spun away from the intended blow, gracefully executing a pirouette, while at the same time drawing back her glass of wine and directing its contents in the direction of Mrs. Wilburn.

There came a collective gasp as the red liquid splashed upon Mrs. Wilburn’s White blouse. As the cool, liquid found it target, there was a sudden intake of air by Mrs. Wilburn. Her eyes wide, she stood looking down at the growing red stain. Mildred Fay, in the mean time executed another perfect pirouette and removed herself from the room.

The ten remaining guest were ushered into the dinning room where they took their seats and at once began discussing the incident just witnessed. Mrs. Wilburn was escorted to the ladies room by the maid to try and remove the red stain.
Feebie Broadway scurried here and there attempting to restore order while wondering where Mildred Fay had disappeared, and what had started the encounter between the two women. She had glanced into the pantry as she searched the rooms. There, she caught sight of a pair of shoes sticking out from beneath the curtain in the pantry. Pulling the curtain aside, she saw the body of Mildred Fay. A pool of blood beneath her body, a large kitchen knife deeply embedded in her chest.
Police inspector Crews spent the first minutes of his arrival making sure no one contaminated the crime scene and seeing to it that the officer on duty moved the guest into the library for questioning


Last edited by gunner; 02-01-2011 at 04:43 PM..
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:18 AM
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I would definitely like to read more of this story, it's got real potential to be a really great murder mystery.
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Old 02-05-2011, 04:52 AM
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Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Amia.
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Old 02-05-2011, 12:36 PM
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Hi Gunner,
i found this piece to be a little disjointed. The story is interesting and the imaging realistic but it felt like a series of comments from several observers. it just needs a bit of ....flow; it's descriptive enough and sets a scene but there is something(I can't put my finger on exactly what) lacking. Please don't take this as a detrimental critique, it is not intended as such, more a 'do something with this,it has potential,' comment.
Best regards
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Old 02-05-2011, 12:52 PM
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Thanks for your comment, David. Although I have not tried to develop this into a story just yet, I agree a rewrite would be in order. Thanks again.
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Old 02-09-2011, 12:01 PM
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This piece suffers from some odd use of commas, but since I'm certainly no Strunk or White, I really can't talk. Also, I do realize it's only a draft. The pirouetting seemed out of place, awkward even. But over all, emotionally unique enough to set it apart from the Whodunits.
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Old 02-09-2011, 12:57 PM
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CherriedQED, thanks for reading and commenting. It is much appreciated.
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Old 02-09-2011, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by gunner View Post
CherriedQED, thanks for reading and commenting. It is much appreciated.
You're welcome!
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:59 AM
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You open by telling the reader that Mildred Fay is dead. The next sentence seems to imply the guests are gathered at the hearth horrified at Mildreds demise. Reality is the guests were seated at the dining table when Mildred got knifed. Out of sequence?

I think you would be able to better edit if you put events in order. True, the opening statement that Mildred is dead is somewhat of a "hook" for the reader but what follows is disjointed.

"The Broadway home set upon a hill overlooking the town of Cassville." This would work as an opening to your story setting the scene from there. You could embellish on it and draw in your reader.

Ex; The old Broadway home set upon the hill overlooking the town of Cassville was the last place anyone would expect a murder to occur.

Something of that sort might be a starting point to move from. Just a thought.
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:37 AM
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Thanks for the comments, Gaines. Your points are well taken. At this time the story is living in my "Story Ideas" file, so I'll add your comments to the file for future reference.
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