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Please tell me how this is so far!!! {way unfinished}

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Old 01-29-2011, 12:17 PM
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Default Please tell me how this is so far!!! {way unfinished}


I seriously just thought this up as I typed it, so it's not really that good. But I have to go and I want to save what I have for now. So please tell me if this is completely stupid which I think it is. :|

The black sky was accompanied by tons of clouds, stretching across the horizon. Rain pounded on the grounds of Ridgebay city. Heavy winds blew leaves and trees left and right. A figure- lengthy and skinny, stood in the midst of nature's chaos. Her eyes were completely white- matching the paleness of her face. Blood dripped from her left eye, while her right eye just kind of drooped. A huge scar stretched across her lips; her teeth were as brown as wood. And her hair? A disgusting spinach color with broken ends. With all the darkness outside, her face really lit up in the outdoor world.

Witnessing the horrifying scene, Lucy screamed. Alone, she held onto the tree, hugging it as if though it were a teddy bear.

"I've come for you, Lucy." The figure spoke- her voice was deeper than a man's. When she saw that Lucy's leg muscle twitched, she whispered "don't move," followed by an evil laugh.

"W-What do you w-want f-from me?" As she trembled with fear, a tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm... just.. a li-little gi-..."

"Shhhh," the demon smirked, exposing her plastic like teeth. She creeped closer to Lucy. Of course, the little girl cowered. "This won't take long."

It was 1:31 p.m. - a perfect sunny day with a flawless sky. A little squirrel climbed up the tree in Lucy's backyard. Lucy watched the squirrel from a distance. She held on tightly to the tree behind, and began to cry.

"Lucy?" Her father asked, perplexed. "You're afraid of that squirrel?" Putting his hand on her shoulder, he laughed. "Silly girl."

The tap on her shoulder awakened Lucy from her hallucination. Lucy shook her head and instantly realized that she was only hallucinating. But still the urge to scream came to her. As she clinged to her dad, she thought to herself: {There's no demon! It's just a harmless little squirrel.} Her dad shoved her off, "Lucy, what's the matter with you?!" He rolled his eyes and walked away. On the other hand, Lucy broke into tears. "No... Dad.. don't leave me." She whispered.

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Old 01-29-2011, 06:15 PM
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Interesting. It's not as bad as you make it out to be. I like the description of the demon. But I don't understand the end. Is the girl delusional, or was she really suffering from a spiritual attack. I had hoped it was the latter, which, in my opinion, is far more exciting than a simple twist ending that leaves us with the one dimensional character of a little girl with too big of an imagination. Was there some reason you chose a squirrel?
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Old 02-09-2011, 11:18 AM
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You do well, to my surprise, at conveying the transition from a dream world to reality. If you'll excuse this abuse, I am going to break this up into 5 post so I can post my own thread afterwards.

Anyways, it's a pretty difficult concept to convey to the reader, when they don't have enough background to expect the swap.

That aside, your first line is fairly weak, and it's the most important because it should grab the reader and set the tone for the rest of the piece.

Tons of clouds, black sky, blown right and left... These are cliche descriptions, think harder about what specific words you can use to more precisely paint the image in your mind.

And finally, as a whole, it was successful when I stopped reading it to analyze it, and became more interested in the story. This quality is more difficult to quantify, but you've got it. Good job.

Again, sorry about the fragmented comments.

Last edited by winterstorm; 02-17-2011 at 05:05 AM.. Reason: Do not spread out your post again.
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Old 02-09-2011, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by CherriedQED View Post
And finally, as a whole, it was successful when I stopped reading it to analyze it, and became more interested in the story. This quality is more difficult to quantify, but you've got it. Good job.

Again, sorry about the fragmented comments.

You couldn't be bothered to read four more members works? I hope we haven't kept you waiting too long.
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Old 02-09-2011, 11:38 AM
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You have a good little story started Purple Bead. As you say it is way unfinished. Would like to read it when it's done. Do the work and post the rest.
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Old 02-09-2011, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Gaines View Post
You couldn't be bothered to read four more members works? I hope we haven't kept you waiting too long.
I know, I know. I'm sorry. Again. But, now that I've gotten it off my mind, I'll be free to give feedback to others.
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