WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


R.i.p

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 04-16-2017, 02:01 PM
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,669
Thanks: 1,555
Thanks 807
Default R.i.p


I remember when you
couldn't write
you just shuddered out beauty
with a guttural moan
a teeming tank of expression
stocked with the rare and exotic
swimming behind your vacant stare
pressing the glass for freedom

I remember when you were
a soldier
grenades of talent blew bolted doors
wide to receive you
you scrawled in blood
and dripped sweat on my skin
you left me prone and snared
in razor wire imagery

I remember when you were
an anarchist
who didn't know a comma
from a nail clipping
you spat eloquent phlegm on the civilized
and called it poetry
you jarred mediocre minds
and shat on their beige carpets

I remember when you
were an Inuit
blinded by the snow white paper
you drilled down through the ice
to hook frozen words
but nothing came
no more than a visionless wank
with a cold hand

I remember when you
were famous
the bulbs were bright around your name
they clapped and clamoured
they paid
hid your blackness with greasepaint
slipped white gloves over your roughness
and made you use the side door

I remember when you died
on my lips
your self-conscious intimacy
that begged for the lights out
your soft and rounded tones
rolled off my soul
like raindrops on the window
leaving me dry and untouched





.

__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 04-17-2017 at 05:40 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-16-2017, 09:16 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

that begged for the lights off>>> maybe: out. To avoid redundancy.

Otherwise I can't pick your shit apart. Find little words. You can tell me to fuck off if you want. I'll gladly do so.

I want to tell you how wonderful this is, but I don't feel worthy.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to brianpatrick For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (04-17-2017)
  #3  
Old 04-17-2017, 05:39 AM
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,669
Thanks: 1,555
Thanks 807
Default

Good catch BP - I've made the change.

Tell you to fuck off? Never. And there was me thinking that you knew me. x
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-17-2017, 08:55 AM
kev's Avatar
kev (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Hull UK
Posts: 369
Thanks: 87
Thanks 50
Default

That gave me a jolt. Sat up and took notice. So much tight imagery, quality.

Is Ted Hughes one of your favourite poets, Grace?
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-17-2017, 12:30 PM
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,669
Thanks: 1,555
Thanks 807
Default

Kev, it's a great many years since I read Ted Hughes - or any other poets for that matter. I read an eclectic mix of novels mostly - usually chomping through three or four books a week. My favourite all-time poet is Seamus Heaney. I love his writing.

Thank you for commenting, and nice to meet you - don't think we've bumped boxes before now. Now your name's on my radar, I'll look out for your work. x
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 04-17-2017 at 04:20 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
kev (04-17-2017)
  #6  
Old 04-17-2017, 05:00 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Good catch BP - I've made the change.



Tell you to fuck off? Never. And there was me thinking that you knew me. x


I had a momentary crisis of self-doubt.

I've really been trying to understand the mechanics of good poetry lately. I can see what's good, just not why or how. It's like a wispy flittering and then it's gone—the understanding I mean. I may not ever figure it out.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-17-2017, 05:10 PM
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,411
Thanks: 1,918
Thanks 1,217
Default

[QUOTE=brianpatrick

I've really been trying to understand the mechanics of good poetry lately. I can see what's good, just not why or how. It's like a wispy flittering and then it's gone—the understanding I mean. I may not ever figure it out.[/QUOTE]



You don't think it, silly.

You feel it.

When you got something that gotta be put out here in the world it will fall onto the page in an almost finished form.

Like the clay that the potter plops onto the wheel.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-17-2017, 05:48 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
You don't think it, silly.



You feel it.



When you got something that gotta be put out here in the world it will fall onto the page in an almost finished form.



Like the clay that the potter plops onto the wheel.


And it's this that makes it seem like maybe some are born with it. I'm stiff, complicated, analytical, capable of weaving a brain-buster of elaborate tricks and surprises. I can say what you don't expect, but poetry is not that. I can imagine a voice and mimic it, but the real me. Well... I'm not sure there is a real me. Did I stuff it down so deep I can't find it? Or was it never there to begin with?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-18-2017, 02:41 AM
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,411
Thanks: 1,918
Thanks 1,217
Default

[QUOTE=brianpatrick

I can say what you don't expect, but poetry is not that. I can imagine a voice and mimic it, but the real me. Well... I'm not sure there is a real me. Did I stuff it down so deep I can't find it? Or was it never there to begin with?

[/QUOTE]


This is like the guy searching his jeans pockets for his pants.

If you do some more of your motorcycle story you will advance on the posey front.



Oh, hi Grace.
Thanks for letting us chin wag on your thread.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-18-2017, 03:22 AM
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,669
Thanks: 1,555
Thanks 807
Default

Chin wag? Is that what you call it. BP is disintegrating into full-blown Woody Allan angst and you've morphed into Demi Moore at the potters wheel. I'll just put on The Righteous Brothers and you two can have a moment.

Oh...myyyy love......my darlin'....

C'mon..shirt off BP. Don't feel shy now. Shuffle up behind him and let the healing begin...
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 04-18-2017 at 04:58 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
brianpatrick (04-18-2017), kev (04-18-2017)
  #11  
Old 04-18-2017, 07:35 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

Does he look like Demi, or like I imagine Mr. P. Looking these days?

No offense Pierce, but, you know, Demi...

I've never been considerate of thread continuity. I would try harder if enough of you people I respected said I should. I would.

Here: this is a lovely poem Grace. I don't know how you do it, but you make me feel things I didn't know a person could feel. No... not that. Just ideas I didn't know were possible. Really. Nick does that too, but I try not to flatter him.

Are we back on track?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-19-2017, 05:59 AM
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,669
Thanks: 1,555
Thanks 807
Default

"you make me feel things I didn't know a person could feel"

If you were telling me that in a hotel room rather than on a writing site, I'd be ordering champagne....

If you followed that up with "Nick does that too" you'd most certainly be drinking it alone...


You boys are welcome to trash my thread - but if the nice people come, just take a handful of cookies and go play in the yard.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-19-2017, 02:04 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

Just trying to get your thread back on straight, but here you are taking it down the derailment line again.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-20-2017, 12:07 PM
kev's Avatar
kev (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Hull UK
Posts: 369
Thanks: 87
Thanks 50
Default

[QUOTE=Grace Gabriel;731919]I remember when you
couldn't write
you just shuddered out beauty
with a guttural moan
a teeming tank of expression
stocked with the rare and exotic
swimming behind your vacant stare
pressing the glass for freedom

I remember when you were
a soldier
grenades of talent blew bolted doors
wide to receive you
you scrawled in blood
and dripped sweat on my skin
you left me prone and snared
in razor wire imagery

I remember when you were
an anarchist
who didn't know a comma
from a nail clipping
you spat eloquent phlegm on the civilized
and called it poetry
you jarred mediocre minds
and shat on their beige carpets

I remember when you
were an Inuit
blinded by the snow white paper
you drilled down through the ice
to hook frozen words
but nothing came
no more than a visionless wank
with a cold hand

I remember when you
were famous
the bulbs were bright around your name
they clapped and clamoured
they paid
hid your blackness with greasepaint
slipped white gloves over your roughness
and made you use the side door

I remember when you died
on my lips
your self-conscious intimacy
that begged for the lights out
your soft and rounded tones
rolled off my soul
like raindrops on the window
leaving me dry and untouched




Here we go then brian. These lines are (for me) solid.


swimming behind your vacant stare
pressing the glass for freedom

grenades of talent blew bolted doors
wide to receive you



you drilled down through the ice
to hook frozen words
but nothing came
no more than a visionless wank
with a cold hand


your soft and rounded tones
rolled off my soul
like raindrops on the window
leaving me dry and untouched

I like the way each verse describes a different time period of feeling. A joy to read, Grace.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to kev For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (04-20-2017)
  #15  
Old 04-20-2017, 08:40 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

I love how it feels like it's about somebody, an intimate friend (understatement,yeah) but names or designates no one person. This leaves it open to the reader to imagine themselves in the verses.

I wrote songs for a long time, and I remember hearing Diane Warren saying in an interview: "a song which allows the listener to feel it's about them is always the best song."
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-21-2017, 02:23 AM
Prodigalson's Avatar
Prodigalson (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Humboldt Co., CA
Posts: 1,896
Thanks: 174
Thanks 315
Default

For a moment I thought the poem was about WB, each stanza describing a different member, but WB hasn't died, and with contributions like this, Grace, it never will.
__________________
Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Prodigalson For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (04-21-2017)
  #17  
Old 04-22-2017, 06:39 PM
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,669
Thanks: 1,555
Thanks 807
Default

Prod, it's the various stages of writing and relationship with the (personified) muse. It goes through all the transitions and gear changes of writing - including writer's block.

The final verse is the point of being so polished and well rounded that the writing is no longer personal - it's from the mind and not the heart. x
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old Yesterday, 02:11 AM
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,411
Thanks: 1,918
Thanks 1,217
Default

[QUOTE=Grace Gabriel

The final verse is the point of being so polished and well rounded that the writing is no longer personal - it's from the mind and not the heart. x[/QUOTE]


Oh. So then it is about death.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old Yesterday, 08:12 AM
kev's Avatar
kev (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Hull UK
Posts: 369
Thanks: 87
Thanks 50
Default

Perhaps the death of a relationship, Nick. ?
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old Yesterday, 09:54 AM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Oh. So then it is about death.


Are you saying when your muse dies,
You'll die, Nick?
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old Yesterday, 12:16 PM
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,669
Thanks: 1,555
Thanks 807
Default

Nah, the muse is perennial.

Some pretty harsh and barren winters - but spring comes and the whole cycle can begin again.

Don't you get nights when words crawl on your scalp like lice - phrases press so hard against your eyelids that you've got to get up and write them down? It's the foreplay of the muse.

At least, I HOPE it's words I can feel crawling on my scalp?

Uh-oh.

The title is an example of extraordinarily gifted wordplay - the R.I.P presented so you'll read it as 'rip' -when your heart isn't in what you've written - you rip it up.

(Alternatively, you can submit to women's magazines under the pseudonym 'Betty Etherington from Tumbridge Wells'. Sometimes, the prize money is enough for take-out pizza... AND garlic bread.)
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
brianpatrick (Yesterday)
  #22  
Old Yesterday, 01:04 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Online)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,012
Thanks: 272
Thanks 654
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Nah, the muse is perennial.

Some pretty harsh and barren winters - but spring comes and the whole cycle can begin again.

Don't you get nights when words crawl on your scalp like lice - phrases press so hard against your eyelids that you've got to get up and write them down? It's the foreplay of the muse.

At least, I HOPE it's words I can feel crawling on my scalp?

Uh-oh.

The title is an example of extraordinarily gifted wordplay - the R.I.P presented so you'll read it as 'rip' -when your heart isn't in what you've written - you rip it up.

(Alternatively, you can submit to women's magazines under the pseudonym 'Betty Etherington from Tumbridge Wells'. Sometimes, the prize money is enough for take-out pizza... AND garlic bread.)


This is an optimistic explanation. Funny too, yeah.

I write, but most of my artistic experience has been with music, and I took this poem as a reflection of something I've noticed about musicians and bands. First record (or pinnacle record if they were granted early publication by some fluke of fate), followed by a succession of evermore mediocre but more polished, rounded offerings. I suppose the same could apply to writers like Dean Koontz or Michael Crichton. The beginning part of the poem—the raw love, passion, which becomes diluted by all kinds of forces later—is always how they start. The poem lights this pattern nicely.

Even Bukowski wrote Pulp... much as I love the mans words, it wasn't good.

Stardom, fame, seems to take a heavy toll on access to the muse.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to brianpatrick For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (Yesterday)
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Jealousy Ink Poetry 23 08-04-2015 02:12 AM
Fellow writers; your attention please. Gaines The Notice Board 164 02-06-2014 10:02 AM
R.I.P. Robert B. Parker Paco Writers' Cafe 2 02-04-2010 12:16 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:16 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.