WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Complex . . .

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 04-23-2013, 07:54 AM
gloryia (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northamptonshire, England
Posts: 109
Thanks: 12
Thanks 12
Default Complex . . .


You look at me with the saddest eyes
You listen hard to my replies
You answer when I call your name
You sleep, you eat, you never complain
I love you, yes I really do
I love to spend my time with you
You brighten up my every day
Iím glad youíre here, here to stay
The only thing that bothers me
Is when you wag your tail so free
I thought it love, but can it be
If you wag for every one you see
I think Iím beginning to recognise
That sad, sad look is your disguise
I donít know you, no not at all
Iím just a sentimental fool
As each day you teach me
How complex a dog like you can be.

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-23-2013, 03:10 PM
FireHill's Avatar
FireHill (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Cape Coral, FL
Posts: 635
Thanks: 77
Thanks 210
Default

Very nice! At first, I hated that you left off the meter in the final two lines... but I then saw that it works with what you say there. How can such complexity and depth, the depth of the Other (even if it's a dog) be trapped into a plodding rhythm.

Not that the rhythm plodded, mind you, it worked well. Just that, I think it's brilliant to leave the point undersold, to let the departure from the meter be your emphasis of the point.

It also reminds me of an old poem of mine which I'll post soon.
__________________
Brandon

I saw no God, nor heard any, in a finite organical perception; but my senses discover'd the infinite in every thing ... I cared not for consequences but wrote." ~William Blake


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-23-2013, 03:33 PM
KBR (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Monterey CA
Posts: 1,917
Thanks: 1,063
Thanks 655
Default

Agree with Firehill!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-24-2013, 01:21 AM
Ilseum's Avatar
Ilseum (Offline)
Fantastic Little Fox
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In my own little world, surrounded by foxes
Posts: 4,973
Thanks: 428
Thanks 635
Default

You answer when I call your name
You sleep, you eat, you never complain
I'd suggest replacing 'never' with 'don't' for flow.

Other than that, this was a very nice read. Nice imagery, nice feel, which is what I look for in a poem, generally
__________________
Get your philosophy from a bumper sticker
- GD
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Paradoxically Complex Nacia Poetry 6 11-29-2011 08:11 AM
is complex compound rhyming the new rhyme style of the future Makaveli20 Writers' Cafe 3 11-04-2010 11:48 AM
Complex words help papere Tips & Advice 32 10-12-2008 11:48 PM
FirstContact CH3: Coria Ashyne Fiction 6 09-27-2006 08:59 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:52 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.