WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Dreams

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 02-07-2006, 08:51 PM
Mackb (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Timmins Ontario
Posts: 226
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Dreams


Dreams


To sleep, to die
who knows, maybe
perhaps to some a lie
perhaps not, we’ll see.

When waking comes hot
sometimes relief is seen
sometimes not
dreams come in between.

Surreal ‘cause it’s true
five parts self, two parts reality
two parts blues
one part fantasy.

Better that most dreams
are forgot to avoid the terror
fragments are only the cream
best bits for the bearer.

Collision of daily dross
become the omens of
tomorrow, a future past of loss
a present sorrow.

Those still in mind we write
helps us to maybe cope
with visions of the night
and to return us to hope.

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-07-2006, 08:56 PM
DFischer's Avatar
DFischer (Offline)
Got Fisch?
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 2,709
Thanks: 0
Thanks 168
Send a message via AIM to DFischer
Default

I really enjoyed this. It felt good all the way. I got a preety good image of it in my mind.

I don't have any wrongs about it.

Goodjob
__________________
Founder:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Personal site:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Please critique other's work before asking to get critique on your own.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-08-2006, 06:16 AM
papalegba (Offline)
I am the one who sees through the gate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: schenectady new york
Posts: 106
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Default



the vision of a dream

feels the supression of...
well a thought
a tempory realism
that sometimes is briefly
better than life
that lets a spirit escape

it was nice to feel this poem macky

Last edited by papalegba; 02-08-2006 at 06:24 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-26-2006, 01:18 PM
dogwood's Avatar
dogwood (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Toronto, ON, Canada
Posts: 222
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Send a message via MSN to dogwood
Default

Hi Mack B, I know this post is damn old, but i quite liked this. my absolute FAVOURITE line was: "two parts blues/ one part fantasy." it was so beautiful. i could be a little biased because i love music and i play the blues myself, but hehe still good. anyway, as for the poem:


To sleep, to die
who knows, maybe
perhaps to some a lie
perhaps not, we’ll see.
this first thing i noticed, was that i liked the words a lot, but that you seem to have a problem with rhythm. when doing rhyming poetry, rhythm is obviously crucial; so make sure it's dead on. try reading this aloud and filling in the gaps (the problem is in most stanzas.) for this one: it's needs to be like this:

to sleep, to die
who knows, maybe
perhaps a lie
'haps not, we'll see.

those may not be the words you want, but it fits rhythmically. you had it too long, if that mkaes sense. all about syllables.

When waking comes hot
sometimes relief is seen
sometimes not
dreams come in between.
i like this stanza a lot. but "when waking comes hot" seems a little awkward, even though it's a poem. i liked "dreams come in between."

Surreal ‘cause it’s true
five parts self, two parts reality
two parts blues
one part fantasy.
again, rhyming problems. you need to shorten the second line to make fantasy rhyme with reality.

Collision of daily dross
become the omens of
tomorrow, a future past of loss
a present sorrow.
i don't even know if you need this second-last stanza, it seems to get a bit redundant around here. your poem is quite poignant up until here, then it sort of weakens.

i love the last stanza, it's beautiful.
so overall, very nice poem. the biggest problem is rhythm, and other then that just some wording errors, and try to avoid redundancy. i very much like the theme. i wrote a sort of similar poem, called limbo.
__________________
all critiques are welcome, and the favor will be returned
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.




To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-05-2006, 12:36 AM
Oasis Writer's Avatar
Oasis Writer (Offline)
A Crimson Evanescence
Loyal Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Idaho
Posts: 6,361
Thanks: 0
Thanks 20
Default

Always great to read your work, you've heard my thoughts Great job man
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dreams Mackb Poetry 4 10-01-2009 11:45 PM
Wannabe writer; the dream's not dead yet Lothar Introductions 6 09-24-2006 02:43 PM
Where Do Dreams Grow? by Alaria Alaria Poetry 4 09-19-2006 02:52 PM
Dreams on a Plate Icarus Poetry 13 08-08-2006 05:35 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 05:25 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.