Hi Mack B, I know this post is damn old, but i quite liked this. my absolute FAVOURITE line was: "two parts blues/ one part fantasy." it was so beautiful. i could be a little biased because i love music and i play the blues myself, but hehe still good. anyway, as for the poem:
To sleep, to die
who knows, maybe
perhaps to some a lie
perhaps not, we’ll see.
this first thing i noticed, was that i liked the words a lot, but that you seem to have a problem with rhythm. when doing rhyming poetry, rhythm is obviously crucial; so make sure it's dead on. try reading this aloud and filling in the gaps (the problem is in most stanzas.) for this one: it's needs to be like this:
to sleep, to die
who knows, maybe
perhaps a lie
'haps not, we'll see.
those may not be the words you want, but it fits rhythmically. you had it too long, if that mkaes sense. all about syllables.
When waking comes hot
sometimes relief is seen
dreams come in between.
i like this stanza a lot. but "when waking comes hot" seems a little awkward, even though it's a poem. i liked "dreams come in between."
Surreal ‘cause it’s true
five parts self, two parts reality
two parts blues
one part fantasy.
again, rhyming problems. you need to shorten the second line to make fantasy rhyme with reality.
Collision of daily dross
become the omens of
tomorrow, a future past of loss
a present sorrow.
i don't even know if you need this second-last stanza, it seems to get a bit redundant around here. your poem is quite poignant up until here, then it sort of weakens.
i love the last stanza, it's beautiful.
so overall, very nice poem. the biggest problem is rhythm, and other then that just some wording errors, and try to avoid redundancy. i very much like the theme. i wrote a sort of similar poem, called limbo.