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I Remember...

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Old 03-04-2010, 08:53 AM
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Default I Remember...

I remember...those things in life.
those things that made me feel overwhelmed
way back when....i remember

i remember...the first time i opend a pack of potato chips on my own
it felt like i can get what i want.

the first time it was ok for me to answer our home phone.
now i can talk, answer and be helpful with a decent talk

the first time i tied my shoe string
and just felt how i can control something and do it own my own.

the first time, i had a hand bag just like my mum, with sweets and candy and some coins
it was just me. it was just mine.

the first day at school and i remember well i did not cry.
i saw kids around me cry but i did not.
it was like just watching them and thinking: "are you crazy?!...you're scared of school?!..this is real and fun!!"

i remember the first time for me i can go buy stuff for myself on my own.
and my parents can count on me on not miscounting the change.

i remember my first lipstick...or may i say the first colorful lip balm

i remember the first day i drove my car on my own. with no older ones beside me.
i could feel, that i can do anything, i can go anywhere, on my own.

i remember the first day in college, and how i became a grown up with no school unifrom.
was a grown up amongst the youngest in college, but still felt grown up.
and on the last day of college, i became amongst the oldest.

i remember leaving these years behind.
coming to a new phase, in a new world
where i stand alone, independent, young working woman.

i remember how life dictated its new doctrine
be strong, dont give up, forgive and forget.
fall in, fall out and fail.
love and be hurt.
cry and be alone
coz this is how we come to it, to this life.
we come alone and we leave alone.
and the inbetween it doesn't really count.

i don't know if i ever thought of these rules or just abide by them blindly.
i do not know if now, at the moment i want them.

all i know that all the advice in the world and all the prescriptions won't do.
coz all i want to feel is a little bit of i don't know whatever you call it,
success? glory? happiness? overwhelmed?

just name the name, i don't care.
i want to feel like when i tied my shoe string.
that alone i can be whole and strong.

i want to be bold, not to be scared just like my first day at school.
and to know and feel, that it is ok to have those multiple jolts of reality
with deep faith, that things happen for a reason.
a reason i don't know but it has to exist.
and that i accept that and still get the chance
to rise up again.to be overwhelmed.

i can't see it feasible. and i wish
that life was just another pack of potato chips

i guess this isn't easy, is it?

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Old 03-04-2010, 06:28 PM
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Hmhm. Charming post.

This wasn't bad, but not exactly 'great'. I liked it, to say the least.

I absolutely enjoyed how genuine it is. It's all so very real. I can relate to about all of these feelings. And these are the types of feelings that are more like rites of passage, not situational.
They are like milestones in our lives. I remember the first time I opened a bag of chips. I thought it was a huge deal because my dad is a towering man, and I thought I was just like him when I did the same. I'm no girl, but I can see why a girl would consider her lip balm in the same plane as lip stick. We were childish, and simple things like that made us feel elevated to a higher level.
And then, what happens when we reach the level?

I liked this very much. However, there were a ton of errors. I would revise it a bit, but there are some lines that were worded funkishly and I would have to rewrite them differently. I don't want to do that. I don't like to do that. I feel it looses the writer's personal touch, influence, inspiration, and personality.

I will revise the easier ones, like punctuation and capitalization, if no one else does.
I say the only thing worse than a cannibal is a vegetarian
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Old 03-04-2010, 11:45 PM
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Thanks for your reply, I liked how you built your feedback. For the part of "funkishly" , yes I do write it this way but I believe I always write in that way, I guess this is my personal touch for the writers' personal touch I believe I wanted it to be with no personal touch as I felt that we all pass through this. So more of it, I wanted that when someone reads it, anyone can relate to. So for me, it is not personal.
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Old 03-13-2010, 01:27 PM
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For me the last half didn't grab me like the rest. I would have been content if it ended at

"i remember leaving these years behind.
coming to a new phase, in a new world
where i stand alone, independent, young working woman."
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