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Old 07-31-2006, 10:51 AM
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Chapter 2
The Jorney
Mommy why do we have to leave?asked Twitle Since a rare hunter found us there might be more of them. so i am not going to take the chance of loseing u agian. Cant handle losing u agian. so pack your bags. Come on we have to gosaid Alisa

there will be another one soon

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Old 07-31-2006, 11:41 AM
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Hey, we have a new feature for the Fiction Forum. When typing [br(ea)k] Without the parathesis, you can start a second page, or third page, instead of having several threads up at once. A nice little feature. For referance to see what it looks like quickly, here's a link: Angels of Aurora You do not have to edit or critique it at all, just go down and look at the right side, you'll see "Content" and then Page 1 - 5] It's pretty cool. If you decide to do it and want to merge your threads, talk to Titania. She can merge it so your comments are all on one thread and help you through it. I can help you as well, but I can't merge or delete your other thread.Tit or a global mod can help with that.

Since this is extremely short, I recommend you use that system, or tag this with the first post, unless you're going to add to this chapter in this thread. I'll be back around to critique this post

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Old 07-31-2006, 05:29 PM
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5 sentences. You can do better than this.

A) this could be in #1
B) No qutations
C) don't abriviate "you"

Again, you should think more on detail, character development, and setting.
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Old 07-31-2006, 07:41 PM
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Wandering, it's quotations, but you are right, it could be longer.

Mommy why do we have to leave?asked Twitle

"Mommy, why do we have to leave?" asked Twidle.

Since a rare hunter found us there might be more of them. so i am not going to take the chance of loseing u agian. Cant handle losing u agian.

You're on writer's beat, don't use text type.
"Because a Rare Hunter found us before they could find us again, and there could more of them. I'm not going to lose you again, I can't handle it. Come on,let's go," Alisa replied.
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