WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


750 Word Shortie, for a contest

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-30-2006, 08:18 PM
jbcyrus's Avatar
jbcyrus (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: I Live in New Jersey
Posts: 82
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Send a message via AIM to jbcyrus
750 Word Shortie, for a contest






I posted this short up because I wanted people to just gimmie a few pointers on it, the contest isn't really to big of a deal but I figured what the heck, I like writing exercises like this. I just want people to give me feed back, really because I don't have anyone to edit and what not. So if anyone sees anything wrong with spelling or tense let me know.

-jbcyrus








"Inside Them"

“It was a small box. It was a small box! Are you kidding me? There is not a single thing small about this box. You know, you said you had some baggage, but this? This box will cost you your life.”
“Christian, common’ baby, don’t be like this.” Rebecca said as she held back the tears dying to pour out of her aged face.
“You’ve lied to me from the get go, Becca. What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing, I don’t want you to say anything.” Rebecca’s head was down. The fact of the matter is, she didn’t know what to say. Everything Christian said was right. She lied about the whole thing. She lied about Jason her dead child and she lied about her marriage which she was still in. She had nothing to offer the twenty-eight year old broker. Rebecca new that. Christian was smart, handsome and everything you would want to start a life with.
“Becca, When? When where you gonna tell me what happened to you? I never asked anything but honesty, I was going to give you my life. And now- now I don’t even want to look at you.” Christian was panting, you heard his breath becoming slow, with every word he pushed out of his chapped lips his heart sunk deeper into something he never new a human could feel.
“I was going to tell you, I was going to tell you everything.” Rebecca began to speak with authority, but was soon cut off by Christians ranting.
“Oh… sure you were! What months after I asked you to marry me?” Maybe then you would’ve told me, that your ex husband, well current husband was a lunatic and murdered you five year old son. Maybe then you’d tell me he’s out to put a bullet in your head for getting him arrested. And now, he’s out and the cops don’t know where he is. Then you get a call from him saying, that he’s coming after you. Just give the box to police and then let them put you into protective custody, but no… No you can’t do that. And please tell me once again Becca- why can’t you give them the box? Indulge me one more time please.”
Now Rebecca started to cry. She sat down on her couch that she and Christian bought together. That was the first piece of furniture that they bought. In a way it was symbolic of their new life together. They slept on the pull out bed for three months before they got the queen in their apartment.
“What’s in the box Becca?”
Rebecca picked up her head, and looked right at Christian. Her eyes were beat red. It was still too soon for the tears to dry and stick to her face so she rubbed them off. Her cheeks were flushed, and you could see the sweat from her forehead.
“Christian,” she paused for a brief moment to collect herself, “the box has the tape of when Robert killed Jason. We had video surveillance in the house at the time. It ran on 24 hour tapes, each day we had to keep changing the tape. Until we hooked it up with the computer. Then the whole day got recorded directly to a hard drive. Robert did a lot of drugs, and so did I at the time.” Each word was getting harder and harder to slip from her mouth. “We were boosting in the living room, we thought Jason was sleeping. He snuck downstairs and as he ran to us he knocked over our stash. Robert flipped out. He grabbed Jason and threw him across the room then started to beat him. I tried pulling him off, I really did. He struck me. He was chocking him. He was going to kill my son. I ran upstairs to grab Roberts’s gun. I was just going to threaten him. I swear.” Rebecca started to pull on her hair and bite her lip. She was cracking, Christian saw it. He went to hold her and she just pushed him away. She continued to speak, “I pointed it at him, I pointed the gun right at him, I told him I was going to shoot. He charged at me, and hit me. As I was falling I fired. I fired. I shot Jason. I killed my son. And in this box is the disc that has the whole accident recorded.”

__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Remember: Opinions are like assholes, everyones got one!

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-30-2006, 08:38 PM
kal's Avatar
kal (Offline)
Still Clicking!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Le Joli Rouge
Posts: 4,894
Thanks: 44
Thanks 33
Default

To start off with, when posting here you need to double space between paragraphs just to make it easier on the poor sods squintin at thier computers.

add comma
add apostrophe

Instantly I'm hooked and looking around the empty room I'm sat in going "huh" but I wanna know why!

She lied about Jason her dead child and she lied about her marriage which she was still in.
She had nothing to offer the twenty-eight year old broker Rebecca knew that.
honesty should be honestly?

he never knew a human could feel.
but was soon cut off by Christians ranting.
“Oh… sure you were! What months after I asked you to marry me?”[why the extra speech marks?] Maybe then you would’ve told me, that your ex husband, well current husband was a lunatic and murdered your five year old son.
Really good rant by the way.

The ending seemed a little anti climactic but I loved the lead up just maybe needs a sentece or few at the end. I think your use of short, sharp sentences to make the tension seem almst tangable was brilliant. great work.
__________________
A Girl in Winter.
His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-30-2006, 09:01 PM
jbcyrus's Avatar
jbcyrus (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: I Live in New Jersey
Posts: 82
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Send a message via AIM to jbcyrus
Default

kalibantre thank you soo much, I wish I could have expanded on this piece, my first version was alot longer. I mean alot longer, And I was gonna keep it as a seperate story, and start a whole nother story, but I liked this whole idea, so I just chopped it down. Than you for you editing comments I put them right in! I wish I could do something more with the ending myself, and I tried out several different sentences that could possible work, i can only use 13 more words then I go over the limit, so there isn't much I can do with that you know.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Remember: Opinions are like assholes, everyones got one!

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-30-2006, 09:03 PM
kal's Avatar
kal (Offline)
Still Clicking!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Le Joli Rouge
Posts: 4,894
Thanks: 44
Thanks 33
Default

you may be able to trim it in a few places. so don't write that off yet, no pun intended.

glad i could help.
__________________
A Girl in Winter.
His lips parted, cracked and dry as he struggled to whisper: "My muse, you're here."
She simply smiled, "Yes, Drake, I am here."
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Word Counting DFischer Tips & Advice 38 10-25-2016 07:42 AM
Strange New Worlds Contest Jay Writing Markets 0 07-01-2006 02:45 PM
Punctuation Oasis Writer Tips & Advice 10 06-13-2006 05:45 PM
The Writers of the Future Contest Jay Writing Markets 0 05-25-2006 05:02 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:53 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.