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The Legendary King

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  #1  
Old 08-05-2018, 11:13 AM
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Default The Legendary King


Sarah had just turned onto the 69 highway and brought the car up to a hundred and twenty kilometers an hour when red and blue flashers lit up her rearview mirror like a Christmas tree.

“Dammit!” she hissed, her cell phone held just below eye level. She quickly dropped her hand to her lap, as she slowed the car down and veered onto the shoulder. When she came to a stop, she looked in the mirror and preened her hair, then pushed her breasts up and adjusted her top to make sure her cleavage was showing properly. Then, looking in her side mirror, she noticed a police officer had gotten out of his cruiser and was walking toward her window. She rolled it down.

“Good day, officer,” she said in a sweet voice before he could duck his head down to look inside the car.

When the officer bent over and their eyes met, his hardened face softened and a twinkle came into his eyes. His gaze dropped to her chest for a brief moment, and Sarah knew she had him around her little finger.

“Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?” he finally asked.

“A hundred?”

The officer shook his head. “One-twenty.”

“Oh my god … I’m sorry, officer. I didn’t realize I was going that fast.”

“And you do know it’s against the law to text and drive, don’t you, ma’am?”

“Oh, is it?” said Sarah, batting her eyelashes.

The officer nodded.

“I’m sorry, officer,” said Sarah. “I was just checking my messages on an online dating site.”

The officer’s eyes lit up. “Oh yeah – which one?”

“Plenty of fish.”

“I’m on there, too!” the officer said, beaming now.

They’d made a connection through common ground. This was a good sign. Now to show him how desirable I am, Sarah thought.

“Do you ever get stupid messages?” she said. “I get them all the time. This one guy keeps messaging me over and over again – for weeks now – telling me how beautiful I am and constantly asking me out on a date. It’s so annoying. I just ignore him.” She leaned forward, revealing more cleavage. “I bet you have women telling you how handsome you are all the time.”

The officer looked a little nervous. “No, I don’t have a picture posted.”

“I bet you have the ladies all over you, don’t you? You’re so strong and courageous.”

A smile slowly seeped onto the officer’s face, but he appeared to fight it.

“But there are so many bozos on there,” Sarah went on. “It’s tough to find a good guy.” She grinned. “It’s too bad we never met online.”

The officer said nothing.

“Oh, then there was this other guy …” Sarah continued, “he had the stupidest name – oh, what was it again? Anyway, he got pissed off at me for not responding to him and started calling me all kinds of insulting names. What a loser, huh?” She snapped her fingers. “Legendary King – that’s it! He called himself the Legendary King. Can you believe that? Pathetic, don’t you think? Who does he think he is, anyway?”

The officer started to shake. “I’m going to write you up a ticket for texting while driving and another for speeding!”

Sarah’s chest seized up. She thought she had the situation under control. What happened?

“Aww, do you really think that’s necessary, officer?” she said, batting her eyelashes and leaning forward to reveal more of her cleavage again. “Couldn’t you just let me off with a warning?”

“No!” snapped the officer, turning on his heel. “Wait right here. I’m going to go write up your tickets.” And he walked back to his cruiser.

Sarah crossed her arms across her chest, fuming. What had gone wrong? Hadn’t she been flirtatious enough? Hadn’t she revealed enough skin, acted feminine and stroked his ego enough? It had always worked before.

She was thinking all this over, when her phone dinged. A new message had just arrived. She picked it up, tapped it several times and saw that she had just received a new message from none other than the Legendary King.

“Oh, great,” she moaned. “Not another one.”

She brought up the message and read it aloud: “I hope you enjoy your tickets, ma’am.”

She screwed up her face. But how could he know? Then it hit her. “No!” she shrieked, turning to look back at the cruiser only to see the officer give her a curt wave with a sinister grin plastered across his face.

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  #2  
Old 08-05-2018, 11:21 AM
Yonathan1 (Offline)
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I really like this story a lot, it was pretty amusing and had a message at the end which really entertained me well at the same time. Though the only thing i noticed through the dialogue tags is the comma beside officer it should be e.g "good day, officer." other than that it was pretty nice story.
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Old 08-05-2018, 11:55 AM
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Highway 69? Really?

Lit up like a Christmas tree?
You need to keep a list of walking clichés and vow to never use them again.

Please.... She's going to tell the officer that she was on an online dating site and he's going to ask her which one?
You're a talented writer (you think so, too) which is why you're better than all this high school nonsense. This whole
piece is a walking cliché.

Last edited by spshane; 08-05-2018 at 11:59 AM..
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:04 PM
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Thanks for the read and comments, Yonathan. Glad you enjoyed it.

spshane, maybe I like "high school nonsense".
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Old 08-06-2018, 08:16 AM
JesseK1213 (Online)
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Feels sophomoric. The characters feel like caricatures and don't ring true. For instance, the cop lighting up at the mention of a dating site, forgetting about the woman going 120. I'm sure men are beguiled by attractive women all the time (especially ones showing lots of cleavage) but it's not sorcery - they don't gain total control over the hapless dicks just for showing a little tit.

Get rid of speech tags, especially: “Dammit!” she hissed. It could just be me, but "hissed" is perhaps the worst speech tag of them all. Same with "shrieked." Unless you're describing a witch in front of a bubbling cauldron, it's probably best to never use those.

“I’m going to write you up a ticket for texting while driving and another for speeding!”

Seems like the cop devolved into a petulant child here, as well as throughout the rest to the end. The exclamation point does it.

Work on making believable characters. This could be a fine premise to a story, but the way you've written your characters and their interactions comes off as childish.
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Old 08-07-2018, 04:48 PM
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Yeah its cliche, but so what? Deleuze says theres no such thing as a blank canvas. It is filled with every cliche of your generation and every generation that came before. Art is destruction. Destroying every cliche until one remains. And a bunch of other sensationalist bullshit....

My problem is the detail:

She preened her hair...
She adjusted her...

These weak verbs leave it all to the imagination. I mean, if you are gonna hand walk the reader through each mundane act, why leave it to the imagination?

Where are the tips of the fingers fluffing bangs and pulling that one strand that accents here eyeshadow, to the side?

Where are the thumbs hooking under her bra straps pulling the cups up, forefingers yanking the middle of the top down so the faint outline of her pink bra can be seen?

Shit like that. If you are gonna inundate your reader with inane details make it worth it.

Thanks for sharing, hope something i said helped.
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Old 08-11-2018, 02:46 PM
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Aside from "lighting up like a Christmas tree", what other cliches are there?
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Old Yesterday, 12:31 PM
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Could you make Sarah more conflicted? Perhaps she feels a moment of remorse at speeding, then justifies it to herself. Could she have a brief spell of doubt as to whether her plan will work? What if she's not his type? If she hasn't yet seen the officer up close she might ask herself 'what if its a female officer behind the wheel? What then?' before seeing he's a man and deciding to charm him. Why was she speeding? Was she just selfish or is there a crisis at home or at work? Any of these would make her a little more complex and interesting.
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