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Dear Bombay

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  #1  
Old 11-29-2008, 02:26 AM
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Default Dear Bombay


Dear Bombay,
I'm so far away

But, I suffocate
in the smoke billowing
from so many burning dreams


Dear Bombay,
I look in dismay

As lives gets pilfered
relentless and remorseless
shrouded in familiar screams



My thoughts are empty
My words are hollow
My days are bitter
My purpose is fallow


I'm a ghost
trying to shield you
from bullets and grenades.

I can do nothing...

I'm a feeling
trying to reach you
and comfort you.

I can do nothing...


I am sorry.
I am lost.

My memory is guilty.
My heart is filthy.

I feel myself slipping
in the tide of everyday
But I won't forget to
send a prayer your way



Dear Bombay,
What else can I say?

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Old 11-29-2008, 07:27 AM
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To be honest its not my favorite piece from you, but I still like it.
The punctuation is a little inconsistant, but the rhyming seems erratic and a little jumbled and seems to jump all oover the place. I prefer a steady, consistant scheme myself.
I think the repetition of "Dear Bombay" in the body of the poem is a little unnecessary and tiring, I'd suggest just using it at the beggining and end.
The constant use of "I" really irks me, theres ways around it and doing so can really liven up your piece.
I like the overall them, and I think that you could try and make this more of a letter style, because with the first line being selective to letters it seems to trail off in places like here:
As lives gets pilfered
relentless and remorseless
shrouded in familiar screams
Overall it was nice, but I've seen better from you
-Tarnished
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  #3  
Old 11-29-2008, 01:15 PM
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Thanks tarnished. I know this is not my best, but just felt like writing it. Thanks for reading
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