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The Cold Side of the Mattress

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Old 07-02-2012, 07:58 PM
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beefheart (Offline)
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Default The Cold Side of the Mattress

The cold side of the mattress,
which once felt fairly liberating,
is void of any ferocity, now.
It is merely cold
and somewhat devastating.

it makes me feel like
a real big puss
to admit it.
Perhaps it is good
to have a little humility,
now and then.

But this loneliness I
so readily accepted,
has fermented, long-term,
into a triple-distilled,
of self-disgust and stigma.

And the cold side of the mattress
feels like sleeping next to death.
It is extremely cold
and entirely devastating.
It is all sad things at once.

Last edited by beefheart; 07-02-2012 at 08:57 PM..
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Old 07-03-2012, 03:00 AM
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iDrew (Offline)
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‘Tis ‘all the sad things at once’, and captured very well indeed. A very good piece, honey.

I think the punctuation needs a little attention in a few places, just to give it a little extra polish. For example:

is now void of any ferocity.
It is merely cold;
somewhat devastating.

the commas at the end of L2, 4, +5 aren’t really needed as the line breaks can serve that purpose.

Really enjoy reading your stuff.


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Old 07-03-2012, 04:15 AM
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An effortless read, particularly liked the last stanza.
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Old 07-03-2012, 06:17 PM
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Dito. But really loved the third stanza!! Great job!
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Old 07-04-2012, 12:09 AM
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Serum in semen
In serum in semen
Stirruped in syrup
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