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Introduction to Blood & Betrayal

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  #1  
Old 11-13-2008, 04:01 PM
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Default Introduction to Blood & Betrayal



Introduction

The 1967 Chevy Impala pulled into the small town of Lawrence, Colorado; rain pouring down. The car drove slowly, taking its time in the rain. It pulled into the parking lot of Liberty Bell Apartments.
The engine died and the lights faded as the owner turned it off. The driver’s door opened and Jake Jareau stepped out into the cold rain.
It was horrible weather that day: windy, raining, and very cold. Though, cold didn’t pose a threat to Jake’s dead body. His coat blew up behind him; he pulled it down and sat on the hood of his car.
Amelia already had his cabin in the woods set up. Stocked with blood and assorted foods that him might eat. Amelia took care of him, but he knew why was in Colorado.
The girl, Alexis Bukater, stood in front of Caleb’s Bar; her clothes were pressed down to her body, her hair sticking to her pretty face. Jake couldn’t tell if she was crying the rain made that impossible.
Jake saw the side door on the bar swing open and Caleb come out, carrying a bag. It had been almost eighteen years since he had seen Caleb. Eighteen years since he had even set foot in Colorado.
Caleb crossed the street, barely looking for traffic. He jogged up to Jake, a small smile on his rugged face. Jake swore Caleb was the only vampire that could age over the years.
“How are you, Jake?” Caleb asked, handing him the bag.
“I’m fine, Caleb, and you? What’s in the bag?” Jake didn’t open the bag in case there was something that could get wet inside.
Caleb slapped Jake’s soaked back. “Just a welcome present, friend,”
Jake nodded and looked back to Alexis. There was a big truck parked in front of her, but from where Jake had parked, he could still see her fine.
She seemed to be shock. Her friend was dead, killed by somebody she loved. She had a right to be in shock. Wait until she found out the whole truth.
Caleb watched with Jake for a moment. But decided he should go back inside, in case someone was watching. “I’m heading in, Jake. Come by for a drink sometime, okay?”
“Yeah, maybe when it’s all over,” Jake said, watching the truck drive off, the future of both vampires and werewolves riding in the passenger’s seat.
Caleb nodded and walked a few steps before turning back to Jake. “Is this really happening? Is this what it has come down to, Jake?”
Jake’s face was solemn. “I am afraid it is, Caleb.”
Caleb shook his head and crossed the street.
Jake walked around to the driver’s side and opened the door again. He put the bag, of what he assumed was blood, in the passenger’s seat and glanced at the sky.
“Let the war begin.” Jake said, sliding into the car.



---------

Typos are a bitch, so please point them out. Be honest and don't worry about hurting my feelings, I posted this to see if anyone thought it was good, so feelings don't make a difference.

Critique everything and anything that you want to, and I'll work on improving it.

Thanks a bunch,

Cas

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Last edited by Castiel; 11-15-2008 at 01:58 AM.. Reason: Rewrite
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Old 11-13-2008, 10:16 PM
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I haven't gotten to read this yet, but I do have to say that it is VERY long. I don't mean to overstep any admin boundaries, but I do believe in the FAQ it says to try and keep stories posted to under 3,000 words per thread.

It will be easier for everyone to read the entire section, and you'll get more comments and critiques with a shorter post. Just break it up a little bit, and put up pieces at a time. You'll get more in-depth feedback, especially with SPAG errors.

Just wanted to give ya a heads up, so that you can get more comments!!!
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Old 11-14-2008, 05:05 AM
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If I edit anything in the quotes, it's what I think might be wrong / what might work instead. These may be wrong though hehe :P!

My name is Alexis Bukater. I'm an ordinary girl. I have short brown hair and green eyes. I never knew my mother; she was killed a few months after I was born. My aunt Dania raised me along with her daughter, Catherine. I'm happy and healthy, but I have a secret. Not one of those 'I cheated on a test' secrets, I wish it was just one of those 'normal' secrets, but it's not...I might as well get it over with.
I like the introduction . I think the end bit was a bit sticky though.

I'm a werewolf. Not an ugly, hairy werewolf, like you see in movies, but an actual wolf. A real werewolf is a human that can transform into a wolf at will, not just on nights with a full moon. I am one of few. In the early 1930s a group of men wiped out most of the pack with fire and silver bullets. Marcus, the leader of the pack at the time, managed to escape with only three hundred out of five thousand. Before my mother became pregnant with me, there was another attack. Marcus was killed along with hundreds of others. Viktor, who had been next in line to take over, fought to make peace with the hunters. He eventually struck a deal with one of the men and we haven't had any problems since. No one, except Viktor, knows what that deal was. We don't cause harm to anyone, so we live freely, keeping our secret hidden.
I have another secret. Though this one is actually kind of normal. For me, at least.

I can't actually transform into a wolf. I have the same fears as any other of my kind. Fire and silver can probably still kill me, and if I get hurt my eyes turn a golden-yellow, but I can't turn. Dania says that the ability must have skipped me, but I know it's not true. For me to be the only one in a line of werewolves that have been around for thousands of years, a line of werewolves that you can only be born into, is a silly thought. It didn't upset me, but it upset Dania. She never said so, but I could always tell.
This bit confused me a little. Is this what was meant? I like the idea of not being able to change !

When I turned sixteen, I ran away from the coven. I wanted to get away from the blood, death and the creepy coldness of Gabriel's stone mansion. Dania and Catherine found me sleeping in the back of a vampire bar in Denver. Caleb was the owner of the bar. A vampire, no less.
All in all, I really like what I have read so far. I've read more than what I've commented on, but I'll have to comment another time.
Hope this is helpful .

Nate.
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Last edited by Hawkave; 11-14-2008 at 05:08 AM..
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Old 11-14-2008, 08:39 AM
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I see this! I'll read about half of it, and give you my general feelings on it...tonight, I think. Yeah, I can get to it tonight. See you then!
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Old 11-14-2008, 08:48 AM
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Hi Castiel!

Just wanted to back up what Firefly said. Most people are comfortable offering an in depth critique on something upwards of 3,000 words or so (the amount stated in our FAQ posting rules section). It's just about the right size for people to read and absorb, then offer comments.

For long chapters, members are certainly welcome, and encouraged to, break them up into smaller bits and post them on a single day. Comments are usually more forthcoming on an entire piece/post if it's smaller. Since yours consists of an introduction and several chapters, splitting them up and letting people absorb them one at a time might be a better idea.

Devon
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Old 11-14-2008, 03:42 PM
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Thanks, guys, for your tips!

Should I split it up now, though? Or just let it be until the next chapter?

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Old 11-14-2008, 03:47 PM
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I'd split it now. Most people wont have read to the bottom yet, so it makes sense to remove it before someone comments on it Cutting down to

One
November 14
seems like a hefty chunk for people to read but it's up to you .

Nate.
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Old 11-14-2008, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkave View Post
I'd split it now. Most people wont have read to the bottom yet, so it makes sense to remove it before someone comments on it Cutting down to



seems like a hefty chunk for people to read but it's up to you .

Nate.

Just cut out the intro and put up the first chapter?

Sorry if I sound completely stupid, I've only been up a couple hours, so some things don't make much sense to me.
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Old 11-14-2008, 04:00 PM
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Haha no worries!

Personally I'd keep the introduction. You could keep the first chapter and the introduction It's entirely up to you. What would you like people to look at and comment on at the moment? You can always post more at a later date in a different post.

Nate.
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Old 11-14-2008, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkave View Post
Haha no worries!

Personally I'd keep the introduction. You could keep the first chapter and the introduction It's entirely up to you. What would you like people to look at and comment on at the moment? You can always post more at a later date in a different post.

Nate.
I think I'll just repost the introduction and first chapter. Though, in the end, I might rewrite my introduction, using it to delve deeper into the world of Jake Jareau.

Thanks, Nate.
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Old 11-14-2008, 04:09 PM
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Okies I'll give it another read when you've edited it and I've been to sleep. My eyes are blurring at the moment, so I can't really focus on words too long :P.

Nate.
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Old 11-14-2008, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkave View Post
Okies I'll give it another read when you've edited it and I've been to sleep. My eyes are blurring at the moment, so I can't really focus on words too long :P.

Nate.
I know the feeling. I swear I need glasses.
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Old 11-14-2008, 05:24 PM
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Castiel,

You could certainly edit your post to take out the second chapter and create a new thread with just that one (keep this thread for the first two parts). Since members can't edit their titles, I could change it for you to reflect the new Intro and Chapter One if you'd like.

Like I said, generally people like to read about 3,000 words or so before giving something in depth. The intro and first chapters combined are a little under 3,500 words; pushing it, but still acceptable.
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Old 11-14-2008, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Devon View Post
Castiel,

You could certainly edit your post to take out the second chapter and create a new thread with just that one (keep this thread for the first two parts). Since members can't edit their titles, I could change it for you to reflect the new Intro and Chapter One if you'd like.

Like I said, generally people like to read about 3,000 words or so before giving something in depth. The intro and first chapters combined are a little under 3,500 words; pushing it, but still acceptable.
Okay, thanks, Devon. But I think I'll hold off until I rewrite the intro and possibly the first chapter. If you want to just take the thread down or close it, that will be fine.

I should have it done by tomorrow or Sunday, so whatever you decide to do is fine with me.

Thanks for all you help!
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Old 11-14-2008, 06:15 PM
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So you have a rewrite under way? Righty-ho, I'll be back then!
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Old 11-14-2008, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Winterbite View Post
So you have a rewrite under way? Righty-ho, I'll be back then!
Yeah, as I said before, I'm going to write the prologue about Jake and then write Alexis' stuff in. In other words, the prologue I have now will be the part of the first chapter.

Like that idea?
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Old 11-14-2008, 07:14 PM
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Quite! Prologues are overdone. I'll keep an eye out for a new thread and everything. I'm busy tomorrow, so don't take it personally if I don't appear for a while.
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Old 11-14-2008, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Winterbite View Post
Quite! Prologues are overdone. I'll keep an eye out for a new thread and everything. I'm busy tomorrow, so don't take it personally if I don't appear for a while.
I normally don't get into prologues, but I wanted one for my story, so here I am, trying to get everything sorted out in my head before writing it.

I should have it up at some point tomorrow night.
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Old 11-15-2008, 01:15 AM
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Okay, thanks, Devon. But I think I'll hold off until I rewrite the intro and possibly the first chapter. If you want to just take the thread down or close it, that will be fine.

I should have it done by tomorrow or Sunday, so whatever you decide to do is fine with me.

Thanks for all you help!
We can leave the thread up and you can post your revised version into your original post here, and one of the staff can change your title. That way, you won't have to create another thread unnecessarily. How does that sound?
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Old 11-15-2008, 01:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Devon View Post
We can leave the thread up and you can post your revised version into your original post here, and one of the staff can change your title. That way, you won't have to create another thread unnecessarily. How does that sound?
Sounds great! I am fixing to put the new introduction up, so if you or someone else can change the title to 'Introduction to Blood & Betrayal', that would be great!
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Old 11-15-2008, 02:47 AM
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Consider it done.
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Old 11-15-2008, 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Devon View Post
Consider it done.
Thank you, Devon.
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Old 11-15-2008, 03:15 AM
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I emailed you my indepth comments. Let me know if you are re-writing chapters 1&2 or if I can comment on them as they are.
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Old 11-15-2008, 03:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Jediblues View Post
I emailed you my indepth comments. Let me know if you are re-writing chapters 1&2 or if I can comment on them as they are.
You should be receiving an email any minute now.
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Old 11-15-2008, 04:42 PM
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The 1967 Chevy Impala pulled into the small town of Lawrence, Colorado; rain pouring down. The car drove slowly, taking its time in the rain. It pulled into the parking lot of Liberty Bell Apartments.
The engine died and the lights faded as the owner turned it off. The driver’s door opened and Jake Jareau stepped out into the cold rain.
It was horrible weather that day: windy, raining, and very cold. Though, cold didn’t pose a threat to Jake’s dead body. His coat blew up behind him; he pulled it down and sat on the hood of his car.
Amelia already had his cabin in the woods set up. Stocked with blood and assorted foods that
[[him]] (he) might eat. Awkward Amelia took care of him, but he knew why (he) was in Colorado.


The girl, Alexis Bukater, stood in front of Caleb’s Bar; her clothes were pressed down to her body, her hair sticking to her pretty face.


Alexis Bukater stood in front of Caleb’s Bar, clothes pressed tight to her body, hair clinging to her pretty face like orphans holding tight to the last slice of bread. Just a thought here: Sometimes you can set the mood of a piece with an early simile. You’ll also notice that I broke several grammar rules by removing verbs to speed up the sentence. It’s faster now but still makes sense.

Also, we just drove into an apartment complex but now, we’re in front of a bar?

Jake couldn’t tell if she was crying(.) The rain made that impossible. So why mention this that he didn’t know if she was crying?
Jake saw the side door on the bar swing open and Caleb come out, carrying a bag. It had been almost eighteen years since he had seen Caleb. Eighteen years since he had even set foot in Colorado.
Caleb crossed the street, barely looking for traffic. He jogged up to Jake, a small smile on his rugged face. Jake swore Caleb was the only vampire that could age over the years.
He’s jogging but he’s aged?

“How are you, Jake?” Caleb asked, handing him the bag.


“I’m fine, Caleb, and you?
When you ask two questions in dialog, think about writing some action between the two like: Jake watched a carload of young men slow, then speed off and he relaxed again, What’s in the bag?” Jake didn’t open the bag in case there was something that could get wet inside. Very passive. Rewrite. “…in case there was something…” Also, this dialog is a little stiff.

Caleb slapped Jake’s soaked back. “Just a welcome present, friend,”
Jake nodded and looked back to Alexis. There was a big truck parked in front of her, but from where Jake had parked, he could still see her fine.



She seemed to be in shock. Her friend was dead, killed by somebody she loved. She had a right to be in shock. Wait until she found out the whole truth. Show me her face, don’t just tell me she’s in shock and don’t mention it twice.


Caleb watched with Jake for a moment. But decided he should go back inside, in case someone was watching.
The carload of men builds to this. “I’m heading in, Jake. Come by for a drink sometime, okay?”

“Yeah, maybe when it’s all over,” Jake said, watching the truck drive off, the future of both vampires and werewolves riding in the passenger’s seat.


Caleb nodded and walked a few steps before turning back to Jake. “Is this really happening? Is this what it has come down to, Jake?”
Jake’s face was solemn. “I am afraid it is, Caleb.”


I would intro what’s happening right here. “Werewolves killing vampires like so many rats in a sewer?”


Caleb shook his head and crossed the street.
Jake walked around to the driver’s side and opened the door again. He put the bag, of what he [[ assumed was]] thought might be blood, in the passenger’s seat and glanced at the sky.



“Let the war begin.” Jake said, sliding into the car.
As a confession, I hate vampire stories but occasionally, I need to get out of the rut. For an intro, I thought this was a little slow but that may be my prejudice. You haven’t gone overboard with physical descriptions, which is good, IMHO, but you have described too many minor details in the action. They slow the story.

Adrian
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Old 11-15-2008, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by adrianhayter View Post
As a confession, I hate vampire stories but occasionally, I need to get out of the rut. For an intro, I thought this was a little slow but that may be my prejudice. You haven’t gone overboard with physical descriptions, which is good, IMHO, but you have described too many minor details in the action. They slow the story.

Adrian
Thanks for your comments, I will definitely do some rewriting.

I have one question: Why is it good not to have a lot of physical description?

I get that a lot and now I'm wondering why.
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Old 11-15-2008, 05:24 PM
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I have one question: Why is it good not to have a lot of physical description?
An introduction should be written to hold the reader, to make him thirsty for more. Complex descriptive phrases, in the beginning, don't accomplish that. For example: I'm avoiding writing a piece now that starts -

It had been so hot that August that the dogs and cats had drawn up an agreement to postpone antagonizing each other until fall. Rain fell in April, then got lost by May as the magnolia leafs wilted. And by the time the water finally disappeared from the river, the Paluxy’s limestone backbone had arched and exposed herself like an old Dallas stripper. She’d spent a million years rubbing and grinding down the beaches of the ancient inland sea, grain by grain, finally finishing her work that summer exhausted and spent.



If I started with character descriptions, most readers would go to sleep. Of course, nothing's written in stone. I've seen descriptions from the get go that blew my mind. But I can't do it.
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Old 11-15-2008, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by adrianhayter View Post
An introduction should be written to hold the reader, to make him thirsty for more. Complex descriptive phrases, in the beginning, don't accomplish that. For example: I'm avoiding writing a piece now that starts -

It had been so hot that August that the dogs and cats had drawn up an agreement to postpone antagonizing each other until fall. Rain fell in April, then got lost by May as the magnolia leafs wilted. And by the time the water finally disappeared from the river, the Paluxy’s limestone backbone had arched and exposed herself like an old Dallas stripper. She’d spent a million years rubbing and grinding down the beaches of the ancient inland sea, grain by grain, finally finishing her work that summer exhausted and spent.



If I started with character descriptions, most readers would go to sleep. Of course, nothing's written in stone. I've seen descriptions from the get go that blew my mind. But I can't do it.
Oh, okay. I understand now: If you lay it all out in the introduction, then there is nothing left for the rest of the book.
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Old 11-15-2008, 06:53 PM
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I'm interested in it, and I wouldn't mind reading more! You have some SPAG (Spelling and Grammar) problems, but I could usually tell what you meant. I'm wondering who they are, what they're doing, and what the war is about. That's good, you've already got me thinking!
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Old 11-15-2008, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Winterbite View Post
I'm interested in it, and I wouldn't mind reading more! You have some SPAG (Spelling and Grammar) problems, but I could usually tell what you meant. I'm wondering who they are, what they're doing, and what the war is about. That's good, you've already got me thinking!
Thanks, Winterbite! I've actually tweaked it a bit (fixed most of the SPAG problems, I hope), so here it is:

----

The 1967 Chevy Impala pulled into the small town of Lawrence, Colorado. The car drove slowly along the rain slicked streets. By the looks of it, the storm wasn’t letting up anytime soon. It pulled into the parking lot of Liberty Bell Apartments.
The engine died and the lights faded as the owner turned it off. The driver’s door opened and Jake Jareau stepped out into the cold, as the wind driven rain pouring down around him
Though, cold didn’t pose a threat to Jake’s dead body. His coat blew up behind him; he pulled it down and sat on the hood of his car.
Amelia already had his cabin in the woods set up. It was stocked with blood and assorted foods that he would eat. Amelia took care of him, but he knew why he was in Colorado; and it wasn’t for the food.
Across the street, the girl, Alexis Bukater, stood in front of Caleb’s Bar, clothes pressed tight to her body, hair clinging to her pretty face like melted cheese to bread.
Jake saw the side door on the bar swing open and Caleb come out, carrying a bag. It had been almost eighteen years since he had seen Caleb. Eighteen years since he had set foot in Colorado.
Caleb crossed the street, barely looking for traffic. He jogged up to Jake, a small smile on his rugged face.
“How are you, Jake?” Caleb asked, handing him the bag.
“I’m fine, Caleb, and you?” Jake watched a carload of young men slow in front of the bar, then speed off. He relaxed and sighed. “What’s in the bag?”
Caleb slapped Jake’s soaked back. “Just a welcome present, friend,”
Jake nodded and looked back to Alexis. There was a big truck parked in front of her, but from where Jake had parked, he could still see her fine.
She seemed to be in shock. Her friend was dead, killed by somebody she loved. Her green eyes were frozen on the apartment, her pale face showing no emotion, her palms up, catching raindrops.
Caleb followed his friend’s gaze and watched the devastated Alexis for a moment, but decided he should go back inside, in case someone was watching. “I’m heading in, Jake. Come by for a drink sometime, okay?”
“Yeah, maybe when it’s all over,” Jake said, watching the truck drive off, the future of both vampires and werewolves riding in the passenger’s seat.
Caleb nodded and walked a few steps before turning back to Jake. “Is this really happening? Is this what it has come down to, Jake?”
Jake’s face was solemn. “I am afraid it is, Caleb.”
“Werewolves and vampires working together. Just because they are afraid to face the unknown.”
Caleb shook his head and crossed the street.
Jake walked around to the driver’s side and opened the door again. He put the bag, of what he assumed was blood, in the passenger’s seat and glanced at the sky.
“Let the war begin.” Jake said, sliding into the car.
----

Let me know if there's anything else that needs fixing and I'll fix it right up!
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