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  #31  
Old 05-07-2018, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Its stiff, and overly described in parts it shouldn't be. Too many prepositions. You're still in the rewriting stage. It takes awhile to get to the editing stage.

If I were to rewrite this I would change descriptions as thus:

"Steam swirled, seeking to capture the wooden culprit swirling its contents. The grained cutlery stirred the pot, brown liquid sloshing in its wake. Jane's manicured hand steered the aggravator. "Mmmmm," she sighed. Aroma rising, twisting through her nostrils, tantalizing tastebuds to salivate. The frothing mixture summoning sweat on her brow. She cast a glance at the handsome date huddled over his vintage. "Hope you're not a vegetarian," she said arching an eyebrow."

Or something that's rough.

Notice the action, drawing the reader in like a camera. Ones words are the camera. Notice the dialogue, real, ommiting arbitrary words. People do not use pronouns and determined as much.
Who needs a dame with such a paragraph? I lost interest in her legs and want to reach for a bowl to enjoy only what's in the pot.

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  #32  
Old 05-07-2018, 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Who needs a dame with such a paragraph? I lost interest in her legs and want to reach for a bowl to enjoy only what's in the pot.


I like pot too. A fat juicy bowl of them Ďnugsí for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I donít smoke anymore, but I plan to go back when the kids leave the nest.

Nice to see you back after your latest ban CB
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  #33  
Old 05-07-2018, 09:12 PM
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Rather than stroll over to Adam, could Janice possibly flounce, glide, shimmy, strut, saunter or maybe prance over to him. That would make me more likely to give up being a vegetarian. I like the idea of this whole piece. I don't like her towering over him (sounds like she's a really tall lady), but I like the 'meat' connotations. If you could just sex it up a little bit (just a bit) I reckon it would be a nice piece.
Cheers.
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  #34  
Old 05-08-2018, 10:03 AM
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It's not such a bad piece for the amount of words. She "glided" towards him? I believe that would be a mistake -- far too many "non-believers" on this site to use such a word. Do you want me to be run off? Words are the new stones. Anyhow, thanks for your input. A person needn't be tall to tower over someone sitting on a chair. Sex it up? This piece is "G" rated.

Prance ... maybe she "Rudolphed" towards his chair.


Brian, you hardly get anything right. What ban?

Last edited by Cityboy; 05-08-2018 at 10:07 AM..
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  #35  
Old 05-08-2018, 01:33 PM
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Alright.

Last edited by Lingard; 05-08-2018 at 01:36 PM.. Reason: To add
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  #36  
Old 05-08-2018, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
It's not such a bad piece for the amount of words. She "glided" towards him? I believe that would be a mistake -- far too many "non-believers" on this site to use such a word. Do you want me to be run off? Words are the new stones. Anyhow, thanks for your input. A person needn't be tall to tower over someone sitting on a chair. Sex it up? This piece is "G" rated.

Prance ... maybe she "Rudolphed" towards his chair.


Brian, you hardly get anything right. What ban?


Youíre proving right now that you CAN polish a turd. Keep rubbing; itís getting shinier.
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  #37  
Old 05-09-2018, 03:04 PM
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You proved you are nosey. But, that's old news. And, you know what you could do with your disingenuous greeting.

Last edited by Cityboy; 05-09-2018 at 03:14 PM..
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  #38  
Old 05-09-2018, 03:28 PM
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If you post something in a public forum and I comment, how is that being nosey?

I wasnít disingenuous with my greeting. You are very entertaining. Itís fascinating what makes you tick. Ed and Joe might be assholes whoíll tackle you and have a good laugh, but Iím genuinely interested in your story.

Iím going to write a short story with you as an MC... but... Iíll need a pic first. Send that up, and Iíll get started.
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  #39  
Old 05-09-2018, 04:31 PM
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Brian, I'm a steps ahead of all three of you. And, trust me, I'm laughing at you guys. I believe you're in the wrong field -- comedy, brother. Expand your audience. Why are you guys wasting your time here?
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  #40  
Old 05-09-2018, 04:34 PM
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You don't even know how you are being nosey. Geez, freaking amateur. you need skooling, city style.
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  #41  
Old 05-09-2018, 05:11 PM
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When you post the pic, post a couple of names youíd prefer for your debut.
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  #42  
Old 05-09-2018, 05:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Brian, I'm a steps ahead of all three of you. And, trust me, I'm laughing at you guys. I believe you're in the wrong field -- comedy, brother. Expand your audience. Why are you guys wasting your time here?


I trust you. Now post that pic. I need it as inspiration. An artist canít work without his muse
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  #43  
Old 05-09-2018, 05:25 PM
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Brian, you're not a "fraud" or an "asshole" which are popular words used by idols of yours. But, you do have phony tendencies. It would make me a close-minded skeptic to label you a complete phony, but judging by comments from your previous posts, you come off as an individual who has no legs of his own to stand on. Somewhat clownish. What's up with that?

I'm not asking you to trust me. Hell no, I wouldn't want you no where near me. That's just a form of speech.
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  #44  
Old 05-09-2018, 05:28 PM
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I have two perfectly good legs with which to stand on.
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  #45  
Old 05-09-2018, 05:29 PM
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And Iíd add: you would actually want me standing next to you if you knew me... Iím a peach.
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  #46  
Old 05-09-2018, 05:38 PM
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Now, you're starting to make sense. I wouldn't want you near me.
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  #47  
Old 05-09-2018, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Now, you're starting to make sense. I wouldn't want you near me.


No, no, you would. Outside of my stand-up routine, Iím one of the nicest, most accepting humans on the planet. And despite my skinny legs Iím terribly good-looking too. Thatís always a plus to hang out with.

Anyway, what was this thread about? Iíve lost track.
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  #48  
Old 05-09-2018, 06:01 PM
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Okay, I don't believe you're as toxic and as fugged-up as some of the wanna-be scholars frequenting this place ... not many left, dwindled over the years. Besides, you enjoy a good laugh. So, that alone is a feather in your cap. Anyhow, chow. It's good talking to you from a distance.

My dog would just love to raise his leg on those hairy legs. Could use a washing.
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  #49  
Old 05-09-2018, 06:21 PM
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Theyíre not dirty, just abused. I work a physically demanding job and have little regard for my body in the pursuit.

My cats would love a crack at your dog. Theyíre assassins. The neighbor has a boxer that jumps the fence once in a while to eat their food. Big mistake. They kick that dudes ass, and he jumps back over, whimpering. Big dumb pussy.
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  #50  
Old 05-09-2018, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
I trust you. Now post that pic. I need it as inspiration. An artist canít work without his muse
Think M*A*S*H. Corporal Klinger. I'll bet it's close.
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  #51  
Old 05-09-2018, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Prodigalson View Post
Think M*A*S*H. Corporal Klinger. I'll bet it's close.


See!?!?

Youíre an asshole like Joe!

Iím thinking more Bernie Sanders...
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  #52  
Old 05-09-2018, 07:36 PM
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He probably sees himself as Robert De Niro.

Except when he's handing out dandified city clothes to naked Haitians (or wherever the hell it was). Then he sees himself as Jesus.

But I'd better be nice. Or I'll be skooled. City style.
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Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
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  #53  
Old 05-09-2018, 08:43 PM
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Yeah, ďcity styleĒ

Thatís a new ring.

You know, sometimes I have this fantasy that CB is Mohicans alter-ego, and has been since the beginning.

I donít know why they seem homogeneous. Something about the audacity, and the timing of their posting.

Iím not so smart, but sometimes I see things.
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  #54  
Old 05-19-2018, 10:33 AM
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Mohican? Now that's a compliment. If I have Mohican's intelligence, I'd have about ten best sellers adorning the shelves of Barnes & Nobles. I don't play stupid games like Joe & his uncle. Robert De Niro belongs with those two. He's a bit goofy too.

First, a ban. Now, Mohican. Boy, you're drifting into lame territory. Pull yourself together.

Last edited by Cityboy; 05-19-2018 at 10:45 AM..
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  #55  
Old 05-19-2018, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Cityboy View Post
Mohican? Now that's a compliment. If I have Mohican's intelligence, I'd have about ten best sellers adorning the shelves of Barnes & Nobles. I don't play stupid games like Joe & his uncle. Robert De Niro belongs with those two. He's a bit goofy too.

First, a ban. Now, Mohican. Boy, you're drifting into lame territory. Pull yourself together.


Come on! Of course you play stupid games. We all do. Thatís part of the fun.

Otherwise, why bother?
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  #56  
Old 05-19-2018, 07:44 PM
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I'm not against fun. But, ...

Graduating college (and paying for education with all those good U.S, dollars) and then using acquired knowledge to hammer people whose opinions differ from yours -on websites -- now that's fugging stupid.

Hey, I'm changing my opinion about you. After careful consideration, I have concluded you're not too bad after all.

Last edited by Cityboy; 05-19-2018 at 07:46 PM..
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  #57  
Old 05-20-2018, 04:40 AM
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I guess I should say something about thread and civility here (shrugs on green robe).

Words of the week:

Thread drift.

Civility.

Myself included.
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Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
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  #58  
Old 05-20-2018, 07:21 AM
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brianpatrickYeah, ďcity styleĒ

Thatís a new ring.

You know, sometimes I have this fantasy that CB is Mohicans alter-ego, and has been since the beginning.

I donít know why they seem homogeneous. Something about the audacity, and the timing of their posting.

Iím not so smart, but sometimes I see things.

Wait - a comparison to City Boy?



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  #59  
Old 05-20-2018, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Mohican View Post
Wait - a comparison to City Boy?





Ha ha... just throwing out a rotten fish. You know, to see what happens. No offense intended.
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  #60  
Old 05-20-2018, 01:49 PM
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I just wanted to chime in here and say that I always suspected Brian was a “plaid shorts” kind of guy.

Carry on.
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