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Standard Misconceptions

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Old 11-12-2009, 05:03 PM
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Default Standard Misconceptions


Criticism appreciated! Short little story. Might continue, might not!

Betty Finch, 1927
Zombie Apocalypse



Bright, vivid red splayed the kitchen walls as my trembling finger eased off the shotgun trigger. My nice, canary yellow kitchen walls. The wallpaper was on sale at Mary's Linens. I'll probably never run into another deal like that again. I'd been minding my own business, being a model wife and scrubbing dishes in the sink when I heard him behind me. That husband of mine, Earl. Sluggish in step, a low wheeze of a groan escaping his lungs. The smell, too, was thick and skunk-like.

When I turned around, all I could see was his stubbled slack jaw and too-red eyes. The tell-tale signs of reanimation. What was a girl to do? I made for the shotgun in the cupboard under the sink, which, might I add, was next to a very impressive array of cleaning supplies. A momentary sense of pride at my sanitary equipment had a smile on my lips, so when I turned around and shot my husband in the face, my expression seemed inappropriately joyous. This was no good.

So I dropped the gun, and I screamed. Boy, let me tell you, it was a scream that belonged on the big screen. Right alongside Gertrude Olmstead in The Monster, I swear. It disheartened me greatly that nobody was around to hear it. Well, besides my dear son in the basement cellar. I wished that he, if nobody else, would commend me for my performance. But, alas, the boy was shackled too tightly to the floor to come give his traumatized mother a hug. Oh! Forgive me. I suppose I neglected to mention my little boy, Timothy.

We, my husband and I, realized that little Timmy wasn't himself when it was brains on his breath rather than his after school snack. Chocolate pudding. I'd made it especially delicious. And for who? Zombie Timothy simply wouldn't have it. I was astonished! Death had made him more picky than ever.

Still, we couldn't simply bump the poor boy off. He was our son! More or less. At any rate, there I was, standing in a growing pool of sticky crimson when that skunky smell returned in another potent waft. This time I recognized it, if faintly. It was that disgusting herb! You know... Mary-Jane. And no, I'm certainly not referring to that chatty cathy down the block. I'm talking about... Marijuana.

"Aww, applesauce!"

Alright. So how was I supposed to know poor Earl wasn't a zombie at all?

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Old 11-12-2009, 07:52 PM
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Damn it! You don't make critique easy. There may be some flaws in your grammar or punctuation, but I can't see them. The way you wrote it is exactly they way I like to read things. I don't read out loud but I pretend I am and it rolled off the mental tongue.

One question, what does the MJ have to do with it? Is it the smell that lets the vivacious mom know that the son is loose? or another meaning?

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Old 11-12-2009, 11:07 PM
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Ah, thank you! Hehe.

And the MJ is why Earl was slack jawed and red-eyed. He wasn't a zombie at all, just really high! The skunk-like smell, like pot, is mentioned at the beginning too, but she only recognizes what it actually is at the end after she kills him.
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Old 11-13-2009, 03:34 AM
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Kewl, loving it

I bet that's really happened before. Lot of people, guns and pot in the world, they are bound to come together now and again.

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Old 11-13-2009, 05:46 AM
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Aha! Wait wait...so she killed her husband and he wasn't really a zombie? Or was that your dialogue? I wasn't sure because we were in her head and then there was dialogue and then there was another comment. But if so that was funny.

I really liked it. I can't tell you much of anything a bout grammar or anything. But I liked that she just forgot to mention her son, and the thought of Mary Jane and how she thinks of someone who chat's down the street next to marijuana.
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:20 AM
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hahaha! Very nice dark humor. Not much to critique here. It flows nicely, and I like how she's obsessed with a clean house. Very nice twist at the end. Overall, a great, snappy little piece. Nice job!
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:45 AM
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A very good laugh indeed! Only quibble would be the spelling of alright; two words (all right) are still the general rule, though I believe that might be changing.
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