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REAL BASTARD 140 words

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Old 11-07-2017, 01:39 PM
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Default REAL BASTARD 140 words


REAL BASTARD

We never had any problems, Trinni and me, not even the usual ones, and I guess that’s because we saw things so much the same, but the day I left her with the baby and the beaten down Ford with a busted taillight and unopenable trunk in the middle of Kansas City, under an ugly hard rain that erased the chance of any meaningful goodbye, I saw for the first time that her eyes were really gray with blue possibilities; if I saw her in a crowd in a year——I probably wouldn’t recognize her. She said something, on that muted last kiss, with Annabelle squawking and the weather squalling, she said it imperfectly, emotionless, as if she were placing me in a category for the rest of my life, she called me a real bastard. And that’s why I never called.


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Old 11-07-2017, 03:26 PM
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Yep, that’s how you do it.


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Old 11-07-2017, 10:35 PM
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...

Last edited by anna; 06-17-2018 at 01:48 AM..
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Old 11-20-2017, 09:24 AM
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So Anna, you liked it? I think your comment's much better than the piece. Thanx 4 the comments.
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Old 11-20-2017, 11:28 AM
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Hiya jimr

Righty, yes indeed, anna found it a wonderful thing and she could only qualify her like of his 140 words as an amateur reader in this written-word-wonderland. See, jimr’s words made her feel it all, she was transported into the moment there in the middle of Kansas.

Now writing is open to interpretation and anna had taken Trinni’s ‘she said it imperfectly’ as belonging to her description of him as a ‘real’ bastard as opposed to simply being a ‘bastard’. Although in anna’s interpretation of the context of the unfolding event the concept of ‘bastard’ had indeed become ‘real’ to Trinni.

Then on further reflection anna thought jimr meant Trinni’s lack of emotional response to be the imperfectly said. But engulfed in the drama of the moment anna had imagined and interpreted Trinni’s lack of response to deep shock, or simple exhaustion. So perhaps on hindsight anna had misinterpreted the nuance of the piece. Ah well, none of this mattered to jimr she concluded and she regretted her re-post there - but it had got her thinking and surely that was a groovy thumbs up for him too.

What if the guy wasn’t a bastard after all. How different are the perspectives of man and woman.

Thanks there jimr x

Last edited by anna; 06-17-2018 at 01:50 AM..
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Old 11-28-2017, 01:45 PM
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I liked this, very hard and fast.
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Old 01-05-2018, 05:24 PM
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Hi there. So I'm gonna make some comments here and show where you might not need certain punctuation for less jilted read , and it's good by the way:


We never had any problems, (no comma here) Trinni and me, not even the usual ones,
(no comma) and I guess that’s because we saw things so much the same, but the day I left her with the baby and the beaten down Ford with a busted taillight and unopenable trunk (why can't it open? because of the taillight? You could mention it was crumpled shut or rusted or whatever the reason is/was with a one word descriptor) in the middle of Kansas City, (no comma) under an ugly hard rain that erased the chance of any meaningful goodbye, I saw for the first time that her eyes were really gray with blue possibilities (great line); if I saw her in a crowd in a year—— (i'd highly reccomend no hyphen, seems to not fit; it's somewhat awkward) I probably wouldn’t recognize her. She said something, (no comma) on that muted last kiss,(no comma) with Annabelle squawking and the weather squalling, she said it imperfectly, emotionless, as if she were placing me in a category for the rest of my life, she called me a real bastard. And that’s why I never called.

Cute ending.
Hope my small suggestions help.

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