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Scary Monkey Encounter

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Old 03-31-2010, 01:41 PM
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Default Scary Monkey Encounter


I was walking downtown. On the urban pavement, the mean streets. Trying for the Dangerous Look – the one that says “I ain’t got no money I’m Crazy I’ll Kill you get away from me you sonofabitch”. This is a hard look to maintain, but the twitching and rapid expression changes accomplish the same goal – people avoid you.

Look . . . don’t get me wrong. I love the City. I like its boiling seething weirdo goofball-popping shitheads. I like tall buildings. But it gets on you after awhile, makes you long for the wide open strip malls and flat parking lots of the suburbs. I saw a Crowd up ahead on the corner.

“What th’?” I swore softly. “That’s a big Crowd. What’s going on? Is there a naked lady there? Or what?” I vowed to know what was happening. I forced my way into the outer edges. Then . . . a sound I had hoped to never hear again floated out. It was a goddam Monkey Grinder.

I almost ran. But a panicked, fleeing person is meat down here, easy to cut from the herd and bring down. I steeled myself, for I knew what was coming. Soon enough, the Beast appeared. That monkey was working the Crowd in the evil dispassionate way they have. You have seen them. The beady Eyes. The mangy Hide. The thin, spidery Arms.

Oh, I knew him . . . I had seen them in every City large enough to support a Popeyes. It was one of the oldest Scams on earth. Some baptists believe the Grinder and his Monkey are first encountered in Leviticus, along with the Mime and the Clown . . . but they’ll believe anything.

This seemed to be a typical pair: a short swarthy man wearing Gypsy clothes (“Where do they GET those things?” my brain swiftly and parenthetically whispered to me. “I never see any stores selling them.” “For that matter,” my brain went on, “where do Rock Stars get their clothes. Where does Neal Young get that shit he wears?”) “Stop!” I shouted to my brain. This was no time for philosophical questions.

The Monkey eased along the front edge of the Crowd. He had not seen me yet. I made sure of that, keeping a Fat Lady between me and his beady, marbelly Berto looking Eyes. But I could see the Arm and Paw. Oooooo. Thin they were, and Hairy. The Paw was strangely Humanlike with its multitude of tiny clutching Fingers, easing coins from the hands of the Crowd.

Little did they know – that gently clutching Paw was ready at an instant to render them, or pull their Finger to the waiting Teeth that he kept cleverly hidden behind Liplike growths on its Face. He had the usual method – he would get the coin and carry it back to the Grinder, where he would put it in the Can. The Crowd thought the Man was the Master. I knew better: that Monkey was not obsequious when he put the Coins in. The Man was playing the Grinder at the Monkeys command. What did it matter? Whoever was boss, they both sucked.

Suddenly, he was there. I knew I should have drifted back and fled. But my curiosity, the thing that brought me to this City in the first place, kept me frozen there: I had been hoping a safe would fall on him. I have seen it in cartoons but never in real life. “How does that safe get to the window in the first place?” my Brain spoke up again, “who pushes it out. They are heavy. How could a Company so free with their safe stay in business? And why is it sitting in the window?” “Shut Up”, I hollered to it, causing both the Crowd and the Monkey to notice me.

That Monkey knew there was something different about me. He sensed that I had dealt with his type before. He approached with the same caution his ancestors (and relatives) approach a hungry Pygmy. He was brave; I’ll say that for him. He came right up to me, with the Paw extended either in Peace or for a Coin. I let my jacket (a nice tweed in tan heather with leather elbow patches) fall open a bit. I let the Monkey see my Roscoe. His Eyes grew Wide (like Jackie Kennedy’s, or a Trout) when he saw it. The pistol scared him as well. He had a look of Fear and Respect as he scampered back to the Man, and clambered up on his head, signifying the show was over. He could not continue with me watching.

“Hey Monkey,” I whispered. He looked at me and I gave him the Eye Rub, an insult that every Monkey that ever lived understands. He hated it. This caused some space to open around me.

As I backed away, we watched each other. “We’ll meet again, Monkey! And next time there won’t be a Crowd to protect you,” I shouted to him, causing even more space to open around me.

I strolled on down the Street, heading for the real action over on 53rd. The word on the street was that they had an unsanctioned Dwarf Toss planned.

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Old 03-31-2010, 05:01 PM
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I was walking downtown. On the urban pavement, the mean streets. Trying for the Dangerous Look – the one that says “I ain’t got no money I’m Crazy I’ll Kill you get away from me you sonofabitch”. This is a hard look to maintain, but the twitching and rapid expression changes accomplish the same goal – people avoid you.

I would try rewriting the beginning. Something like this:


On downtown's mean streets, I walked, twitching with each step to look crazy or dangerous so nobody would dare mess with me.

No expert, but I think you have too much going on all at once. Also very wordy. Chop some of the unnecessary stuff out throughout the entire piece. You have a nice rhythm/tone to your writing, but with all the unnecessary words, it gets drowned out. Something like listening to a beautiful song through faulty speakers.

Last edited by Cityboy; 03-31-2010 at 06:25 PM..
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Old 04-07-2010, 02:21 PM
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What an interesting little moment. Not much, plot-wise, but as free writing it succeeds in creating a scene and introducing a character.

Strong points: how you get into the narrator's head, like with the casual way he addresses the monkey as an equal and a foe. The descriptions of the monkey are accurate and creepy. I don't find monkeys creepy, but I can clearly see why the narrator does.

Weak Point: His spoken dialogue, which seems a little too long and grammatical. Maybe just stick to interjections and keep the rest in his head:
“What th’?” I swore softly. “That’s a big Crowd. What’s going on? Is there a naked lady there? Or what?” I vowed to know what was happening. I forced my way into the outer edges. Then . . . a sound I had hoped to never hear again floated out. It was a goddam Monkey Grinder.
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:32 AM
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Hi Mr,

You have something here, but I think it could be tightened and strengthened, and I agree the dialogue detracts in some parts. Sometimes less is more. Here's some of what I would suggest with this piece if asked to edit it (I know people often don't appreciate it, but what the... )

Originally Posted by Mister URL View Post
Walking downtown. on the urban pavement, the mean streets, I was trying for the D dangerous L look -- the one that says, “I ain’t got no money. I’m crazy. I’ll kill you. Get away from me, you sonofabitch”. This It's a hard look to maintain, but the twitching and rapid expression changes accomplishes the same goal -- people avoid you.

Look . . . d Don’t get me wrong -- I love the C city. I like its boiling seething weirdo goofball-popping shitheads. I like Its tall buildings. But it gets grates on you after a while, makes you long for the wide-open strip malls and flat parking lots of the suburbs. I saw a Ccrowd up ahead on the corner .

“What th’?” I swore softly. “That’s a big Crowd. What’s going on? Is there a naked lady there? Or what?” I vowed to know what was happening.
and [S] I [/s]forced my way into the outer edges. Then . . . a A sound I'd hoped to never hear again floated out. It was a A goddamn Mmonkey grinder.

I almost ran. But a A panicked, fleeing person is meat down here, easy to cut from the herd and bring down. I steeled myself, for I knew what was coming. S and soon enough, the B beast appeared. That monkey was working the C crowd in the evil dispassionate way they have. You have seen them. The Beady Eyes. The m Mangy Hide. The thin, spidery A arms. [You have a habit of capitalizing words seemingly arbitrarily. I speak from experience when I say it's one thing editors will find obnoxious unless there is a very good reason for it, which there rarely is].

Oh, I knew him -- I had seen them him in every C city large enough to support a Popeyes [This may be a US reference but doesn't add much to anyone else]. It was one of the oldest S scams on earth. Some baptists believe the Ggrinder and his M monkey are first encountered in Leviticus, along with the Mmime and the Cclown . . . , but they’ll believe anything.

This seemed to be a typical pair: a short swarthy man wearing
Ggypsy clothes (“Where do they GET those things?” my brain swiftly and parenthetically whispered to me. “I never see any stores selling them.” “For that matter,” my brain went on, “where do Rock Stars get their clothes. Where does Neal Young get that shit he wears?”) “Stop!” I shouted to my brain. This was no time for philosophical questions. [I'd recommend deleting your internal dialogue, which detracts, for me, from the story]

The
M monkey eased along the front edge of the Crowd. He had not seen me yet -- I made sure of that, keeping a Ffat Llady between me and his beady , marbelly Berto looking eyes [Didn't get the Marbelly Berto reference here either and googled it and nothing came up?]. But I could see the Aarm and P paw. Oooooo. Thin they were, and hairy. The P paw was strangely H humanlike with its multitude of tiny clutching Ffingers, easing coins from the hands of the C crowd.

Little did they know – that gently clutching
P paw was ready at an instant to render them, or pull their F finger to the waiting teeth that he kept cleverly hidden behind L liplike growths on its F face. [Sorry but I didn't understand this. Render them what? He clearly didn't bite them, so ??] He had the usual method – he would get the coin and carry it back to the G grinder, where he would put it in the C can. The C crowd thought the man was the M master. I knew better: that Monkey was not obsequious when he put the Coins in. T the Mman was playing the Ggrinder at the M monkeys command. What did it matter? Whoever was boss, they both sucked. [IMO, this weakens the previous sentence, especially to end the paragraph]

Suddenly, he was there. I knew I should have drifted back and fled
. B but my curiosity, the thing that brought me to this C city in the first place, kept me frozen there : I had been hoping a safe would fall on him. I have seen it in cartoons but never in real life. “How does that safe get to the window in the first place?” my Brain spoke up again, “who pushes it out. They are heavy. How could a Company so free with their safe stay in business? And why is it sitting in the window?” “Shut Up”, I hollered to it, causing both the Crowd and the Monkey to notice me. [Sorry, but again, to me at least, the dialogue doesn't seem to fit with the character, seems younger almost and detracts from the immediate tale. I feel like the character is almost grossly fascinated with the monkey, so these thoughts seem tangential.]

That
M monkey knew there was something different about me. He sensed that I had dealt with his type before. He approached with the same caution his ancestors (and relatives) would/might have approached a hungry P pygmy. He was brave; I’ll say that for him. He came right up to me, with the --Ppaw extended either in Ppeace or for a Ccoin. I let my jacket (a nice tweed in tan heather with leather elbow patches) [unnecessary] fall open a bit. I let the Let him see my Roscoe. His E eyes grew W wide (like Jackie Kennedy’s, or a Ttrout's) when he saw it. [The previous description should give he impression of fear adequately] The pistol scared him as well. He had a look of Fear and Respect as h He scampered back to the M man, and clambered up on his head, signifying the show was over. He could not continue not with me watching.

“Hey, M
monkey,” I whispered. He looked at me and I gave him the Eeye Rrub, -- an insult that every Monkey that ever lived understands. He hated it. This caused some space to open around me. [I can't understand the last sentence. Why did it cause space to open? Surely only the monkey understood -- eye rubbing not usually being a human body language thing?]

As I backed away, we watched each other. “We’ll meet again,
M monkey! And n Next time there won’t be a C crowd to protect you,” I shouted to him thought, causing even more space to open around me. [You may disagree, but I think it's stronger and more interesting to make it an unspoken thing between the monkey and the protagonist].

I strolled on down the
S street, heading for the real action over on 53rd. The word Word on the street was that they had an unsanctioned Dwarf Toss planned.
Again, just my opinion. Forgive me if I have incorporated errors in doing this. I find this system a bit unwieldy, as I'm used to editing in Word with Track Changes, which I can turn off to view so I can check for unintentional extra spaces etc added during the editing process.

Cheers
Karin
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Last edited by Echo75; 04-08-2010 at 05:44 AM..
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:48 AM
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I appreciate the reviews, and it's true that I sprinkle capital letters in at places they don't belong. For some reason it seems funny to me; but I have been told by many people that I am misinformed.

I like the tightening-up suggestions. I think I will take this piece down and work on it.

Thanks.
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Old 04-10-2010, 02:44 AM
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You certainly have a voice and a unique style. Unlike the previous reviews I liked the first para, [and the rambling thoughts too] - it adds to the flavour of your slightly manic MC. Good work - enjoyed it
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:57 AM
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I thought this was quite unique. I didn't really grasp the plot well; I didn't know what the monkeys wanted or what they were doing. It's a good piece of writing though nonetheless, but yeah, you do sprinkle some capital letters around lol.

Good work though, thanks for sharing.
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