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Opening, Fantasy Short (200 words)

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Old 06-29-2017, 08:43 AM
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Default Opening, Fantasy Short (200 words)


A tide of mist descended over Fog’s Drop, blown in from across the void and skies unknown. It seeped inwards, oozing like pus from an angry wound to fill the squalid streets. Shutters slammed before it, footsteps hurried from it and whispers drowned within it. The night had come, and with it, death.

Further the mist spread, between the ramshackle huts and gutters, over tin roofs, garden walls, and any window careless enough to be left open. It penetrated everything, like a blanket over broken glass, or a gag between your teeth - it smothered it all. And in its wake, a silence - more forced than a funeral procession - that gasped like an oncoming wave.

Eventually, it began to slow, of course, settling like snow; dense and close to the ground, so thick that it could hide the boots you stood in. The wind did not disturb it, there was no rustle of leaves or creaking of streets signs overhead. The air in Fog’s Drop hung as dead and still as a noose.

It was here the fog festered, lingering like an unwanted stranger in the night beside two men who stood, hooded and silent, in the shadow of a tavern alleyway.

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Old 06-29-2017, 09:04 AM
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oooooh
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Old 06-30-2017, 02:09 PM
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This is nice. I was thinking of making some suggestions re flow, imagery etc but if I remember right, you're a good writer so you can probably figure all that out as you go in edits and things.

I'll just say its a good strong opening with nice gothic imagery that definitely sets the tone for an intriguing story. Good luck with it and I'll try to look out for future posts.
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Old 07-02-2017, 02:24 AM
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Aye this is excellent good
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Old 07-03-2017, 06:44 AM
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First of all, really appreciate all of you reading and commenting, thank you.

Originally Posted by CandraH View Post
This is nice. I was thinking of making some suggestions re flow, imagery etc but if I remember right, you're a good writer so you can probably figure all that out as you go in edits and things.

I'll just say its a good strong opening with nice gothic imagery that definitely sets the tone for an intriguing story. Good luck with it and I'll try to look out for future posts.
Yeah it feels a bit too clustered, I got caught up in trying to bring the fog alive and it's a bit word-soupy. You know when you write a description you really like and don't have the heart to axe it? Gotta learn to be more ruthless. Is this any better?


A tide of mist descended over Fog’s Drop, blown in from across the void and skies unknown. It seeped inwards, oozing like pus from an angry wound to fill the squalid streets. Shutters slammed before it, footsteps hurried from it and whispers drowned within it. The night had come, and with it, death.

Further the mist spread, between the ramshackle huts and gutters, across tin roofs, garden walls, and any window careless enough to be left open. Like a a gag between your teeth it smothered them all; and in its wake, a silence - more forced than a funeral procession - that gasped like an oncoming wave.

It was here the fog festered, lingering like an unwanted stranger in the dark beside two men who stood, hooded and silent, in the shadow of a tavern alleyway.
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Last edited by Ink; 07-03-2017 at 07:26 AM..
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Old 07-03-2017, 08:06 AM
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Thats great, pretty much everything I was going to suggest, you've covered. Reads really nice and smooth now and yeah, I totally agree about liking some things a bit too much lol.

Great job, good luck with the rest of it!
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Old 07-11-2017, 01:30 AM
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I like the puss metaphor. I'd never have thought of it myself but it works in this context. This is an atmospheric opening that should grip a lot of people.
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Old 07-11-2017, 12:35 PM
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Appreciate the comments, Ian, thank you. Glad you enjoyed the read!
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Old 07-19-2017, 01:14 PM
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Ink. You have me intrigued and wanting to read more. Great job on the editing and rewrite, it flows much better. I look forward to seeing more. I like the blanket over broken glass more than the gag between your teeth. a gag inhibits but not smothers, you can speak with a gag, inaudibly, but the sound is not smothered. A blanket over broken glass would smother the glass completely.
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Old 09-07-2017, 08:50 AM
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I like the slow decisive unstoppable movement of the fog which you place here, with your edit. The first seemed forced and bitty. This is nice, and I too would like to read more.
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