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  #6091  
Old 06-07-2018, 01:41 PM
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anna was delighted to read Gracie, it left her all fuzzy warm with a red wine grin and see for the sake of flea (who enjoyed the dialogue) she had to disagree with her sister, grasping her hands as only sisters could - sharing a look between their faded denim blues anna whispered earnestly ‘but the fight is hers, the life is hers and the freedom to rally or slip away day by day is something he can give just by remaining steadfast, neutral ..’ anna bit her lip because like sisters the world over the fusion was laced with friction ‘see in the end don’t you just yearn to be set free, free of obligation and suffering...’ maybe anna had it all wrong but she meant well ...’

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  #6092  
Old 06-07-2018, 09:27 PM
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repost chatting with flea, still on tiny handheld device no internet connecton for weeks apparently, tucked away, running out of data, slippery signal, shrugs

... he did a double take - she was gone one minute and back the next motionless now gazing out of the snug tucked up in a little ball leaking feelings which she suddenly funnelled into fiddling with the bells and beads around her pretty painted toes .. ‘the CT scanner was new in those days and they kept ringing up from the hospital to get her sister back over, her bones ... of course it reached a point with chemo where she had had enough and they stopped it all on her asking .. she was a wild child ... way ahead of her time, I mean she was so creative, so the crazy diamond ... it’s not romancing her memory neither ...’ fuck anna had missed her the older she got because well once she went she kind of had to conform and bury the wild side, tow the line for their sakes - ‘am getting younger with my years ... now that they’ve all but grown up they have begun to realised quite what a rebel nature she was keeping under wraps, share that with my sister and there are moments she cheers where my siblings curse, creativity is a funny thing babe, she had it in spades ...’ anna thought on softly ... ‘see because there is just me have had to have my house inorder - like if I were to die tomorrow told the kids way back - have taught them all I know, taught them to survive on - to take ownership of themselves, their lives. always live like today is my last .. wanted them to be able to keep calm and carry on regardless, that death-dealt needn’t disempower .. shrugs’ he glanced to her gone-again-again and liked.

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  #6093  
Old 06-08-2018, 01:29 AM
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repost from elsewhere, chatting with someone

"...well it's for real then, I mean it's cancer under the name of "pT4a without" to be exact..." replied the goblin intending to be as honest as possible anonymously online here while letting the old man remain as hidden as possible in his dailylife there, relating "...and yes, perhaps it's somewhat selfish of me to write about my thoughts and feelings in those off moments between these increasingly on moments, but to be honest it's not so much the idea of "keeping the body and soul together" here as in fact its opposite as in keeping those two apart least they drag each other down...", yes it was almost amusing to see how the old man seemed so emotionally detached focused and determined while his goblin inside him went going through his reflections without much choice in the matter, at which point the goblin just smiled back repeating "...this journey to self goes by "day by day" then, the journey's point is that there's is no point really, but if you learn that there is no point but still continue along anyway, then just perhaps whatever it was was in one's nature all along, hence this journey to self then, and from this one's my nature is revealed, just no point then and every point depending..."



xxxx 6092 461627

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  #6094  
Old 06-10-2018, 05:01 AM
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repost from elsewhere

the goblin had been running away from his pen again, somewhat understandable considering the old man's constant "cave in" to convention, his "doing the right thing" always, and now, when the captain was returned home at her hastani stage, his avoidance of any pathian shots too, so the goblin just explained "...it's been loveless so long, no skinship to speak of, instead the premise was just "for the sake of the family" then, and oft times she'd remind the old man that his bad breath in close proximity, the time when she told him that most of his orchids would have to go, and not to bring home any more things from the second hands shop, maybe he felt that marriages was mostly like that then, a crushing compromise of self for those standards expected, and that the internet was the only escape for his alter ego here, this me in other words, anyway what else can anyone do bar "what is right" in his place, no he'd only blame himself for have been outspoken afterwards...", and with that the goblin just shrugged it away from himself again, though the old man's pretense was really nothing too untoward he felt yet it was nothing to be proud about neither



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  #6095  
Old 06-11-2018, 02:34 AM
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repost from elsewhere


"...thanks, I'll ask the doctors, um..., where if they don't prescribe it for her then I'll take it for myself instead..." proposed the goblin in a kind of "running away from it all" mood today, where this afternoon the captain had to go back to the hospital twice for two separate appointments, one being blood, the other being lymph, of course the goblin would accompany her into the hospital and back, merlin's cave as he dubbed it, knowing full well that these results were neither instant nor ever the full story for that matter, before adding "...whatever the result then, her previous lifestyle is over, and the apartment reflects this new lifestyle in its subtle ways, such as her world increasing orbiting towards her bed at this point, and with us increasingly orbiting with that orbit there too, the disinfecting of our hands upon entering the apartment, the smell of cleanliness everywhere, in short our apartment has become an outpost of the hospital, and with the battle as of yet uncommitted to or on hold then...", in fact, the goblin knew that he would sail through his working days orbit still, till such time as the course of these events spun him out of that work orbit more towards his home orbit, then he imagined onto the hospital's orbit after that, remarking "...if anything it's like a gradual invisible force very reminiscent of gravity itself, where the effect comes across like "slow then sudden", with it's slow approach and then sudden arrival..."



xxxx 6094 462193

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  #6096  
Old 06-11-2018, 09:09 AM
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Ah, it's good to have the internet, when one's true thoughts are not what anyone in daily life wants to hear. When my little brother died, the sociopathic son of a bitch, these pages were about the only place I had where I could say what I thought. I'm usually pretty outspoken, but my mother doted on him, it's a small community where word gets around fast, and to hear the truth would have just made it harder for her. So I came here.

I did find a positive thing to say at the memorial.

The course of events from this time forward may seem inevitable, and I think it's our nature to feel a bit of resentment at times like this, but soldier on, goblin. It's the price we have to pay for companionship, I suppose.
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  #6097  
Old 06-12-2018, 04:12 AM
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"...well at least I'm bringing up thoughts in those who read these posts I guess..." suggested the goblin thanking prod for feeding him his thoughts, then adding "...no I need to here too, where today I've been writing to close of kin, or those in the loop now, about how things stand and will probably fall, just them as it's unlikely to become common knowledge till it must be..." mentioned the goblin whose spirits were up if only because he was at work and not at home, relating "...ah yes, funny that, I mean during work I feel like I'm at home, where while at home I feel more like I'm on duty still, and how that old man is doing the right thing at each turn of events, and yet part of doing that right thing is one questioning oneself about what is that right thing might be before acting upon whatever one decided upon...", where looking from the distance of his work part of doing the right thing seemed to be taking a break, whereupon the goblin just asked "...so now, do you think they'll put trump on those dollar bills then...", and with that the goblin was back to being abnormal again, and besides, somehow being normal never seemed to have that mental mileage needed to sustain his straying thoughts throughout, then turning inwards sighing to himself "...so where to now my ghosts, for that journey to self beckons me still, and I would have your company and take of your council, for are we not drawn together in this endeavor here..."



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  #6098  
Old 06-13-2018, 06:16 AM
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repost from elsewhere

"...at least I can write about it from the depth of my anonymity here..." replied the goblin who would try to catch his words with his pen then, adding "...yes that's me, someone who always falls back to writing about it then, meaning I don't actually live in the spur of the moment like most folks do now, no instead I reflect what I live down on paper to keep it all under wraps so to speak...", "...so would that be some sort of writer's autism there by any chance goblin..." inquired the slot out of curiosity, to which the goblin just replied "...well I'm really not sure slot, let me first write about it, then I can tell you what I thought up in response..."


xxxx 6097 462858

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  #6099  
Old 06-14-2018, 04:43 AM
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...I'll read them presently flea, when I have steeled myself, and I'm still at a loss for words on it all old friend, do the children know?
"...yes they know but they're grownups, and if anything we're all handling the situation well..." replied the goblin thanking the chameleon while borrowing his thread to air things a bit, adding "...I think the line I am me by this seems to be something I've drummed into my young ones from an early age, and yes, there was that shock moment, then it passed, and now that the dust has settled they're focused upon themselves in face of the inevitable, and on the positive side we are more "living for the present for the present" as it were..." where this I am me by this was the line the goblin recalled from looking after his ailing mother too, adding "...this opportunity, though not exactly welcome in itself, is perhaps something that can still be very beautiful if done right, and where if it can't quite be done it right, then at least it can be done felt then, that's still beautiful though just I am me by this..."



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  #6100  
Old 06-16-2018, 09:00 PM
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repost from elsewhere


Chemotherapy treatments have improved over time. There are more treatment options now when the cancer is at a more advanced stage, too. In the 1990s, the overall survival rates for stage 4 colon cancer was around 6 to 8 months. Now it's close to 30 months


"...fact or fiction one asks, perhaps both really..." repeated the goblin, adding "...naah, there's no point in one's being anonymous here if one can't be honest with oneself while at it...", where the fiction part was only in the man's reaction therein, the old man's not trying to show his emotions as ever, or perhaps in the way the goblin ever divorced himself from that old man on the outside, repeating "...it's "pT4a without" according to the doctor's then ...", and somehow martin luther king's famous words how long not long sprang to mind here, but in truth there were only ever those two states of being, those of early or late, the goblin simply enjoyed his early still, repeating "...one day at a time, no make that today alone then, just make it to the end of today to pat yourself on the back for having won that day outright, yes all our lives we've been real winners in that sense...", where life was ever just winning the unwinnable anyway, just one day at a time as it has always been, so the old man said nothing now while the goblin just did all the talking for them both, though nothing changed really, life just progressed along as must be


xxxx 6099 463757

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  #6101  
Old 06-17-2018, 07:00 AM
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anna grabbed some data, part of her next fix then and thought his posting beautiful, she piped up suddenly on a crosswind of thinking ... ‘what fucks you up in life is the unspoken carried around in some invisible back pack getting heavier and more cumbersome to maneouver round the labyrinth of time remaining and the way you sort of put it is so well crafted, not clumsy at all. All I can feel is that through the storms of your reasoning the captain is truly loved - and the virtual man of Switzerland has a kind heart’ ... anna was gone again back to her real leaving two coffees and a rose from the old garden.


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  #6102  
Old 06-17-2018, 11:49 AM
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Ah, yes - the flea seems to be a well-reasoned individual, with a propensity for deep thinking, quite above it all, in ways, yet entirely human, too, in ways that only leak out around the edges.

As you say, anna, in a circular way, the flea brings us all to something we wish we could have said as well, and I thank him for sharing his thoughts with us. He ends up validating my humanity.

Now back to him...
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Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
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  #6103  
Old 06-18-2018, 06:25 AM
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("...well, anyone can post here, it's not my thread, nor blog for that matter, no it's just somewhere where one can edit one's posts into something a little more "oneself to one's pen" I guess..." related the goblin in encouragement appreciating the posts of others now)


repost form elsewhere, the goblin in agreement


The disease can make the victim spiteful
"...yes I imagine that will be outcome here too, as eventually her cancer will break her spirit emotionally and then the blame will be mine I guess..." concluded the goblin in a "been here before" sort of shrug while adding "...simply, she overworked herself in a profession that she wanted to excel in, she did excel and admittedly I supported her to the hilt, and yes I wanted whatever she wanted too, we all did, where if it's a choice between one's dream or one's life then what else is there but to follow that dream at the cost of one's life, I mean what's a life without a dream within it...", in fact, the goblin thought aloud what the old man couldn't express nor dared not show outwardly, as he suspected that he'd have to go through all that abuse that he had once before endured while tending his mother drowning in dementia, then adding "...well now, ours is to witness with that pain there to open our eyes, for whatever happens through one's life, isn't it the case that if one just looks away without reflecting upon it, then the occurrence whatever it was was just a wasted experience...", where defeats were ever just "hard lessons" really, and where at times life could be a hard teacher too


xxxx 6102 464222

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  #6104  
Old 06-18-2018, 11:43 AM
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repost from elsewhere

"...why do you ask me, surely if you want to stop posting then that's your choice there, and how do think I would I feel if you I knew that you were actually only posting for my sake here..." replied the goblin who doubted he could actually stop posting though, no he always returned to online, simply "posting online" was an extension of his brain and its mental process, then adding "...here you can cry with me but if you do cry then hide those tears from those whom you love around you, for they have to be brave in their turn meaning that you have to show them that example of your bravery there, chin up...", mentioned the goblin who had been trying to avoid the thought that he was somehow now living with a corpse then, a corpse resting in the next bed, yes that unvoiced untrue thought had crossed his mind by now, yet the captain was very much still alive, and the more the old man tried to comfort her the more that question then of "yet why are you trying to comfort her" fed the untruth further into the circle of recrimination after the fact, where his thoughts were not of his own making, simply they came to the fore to be dismissed only to return anew, before the goblin smiled it away yet again, saying "...me, I post because I'm selfish, no I have to be selfish here lest what I post becomes all too selfless otherwise, and yes, this side of me here is not the old man there..."


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  #6105  
Old 06-19-2018, 11:00 AM
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repost from elsewhere


"...still here, still reading your posts too..." replied the goblin who was in a good mood simply because he had fasted for three days ending today, yes he felt a lot younger, and yes he would definitely do another fast shortly, but in this immediate moment he felt sick after his first meal, yes he'd got that wrong, soft enter soft exit is best, then adding "...and I suspect too, though I would never mention it to her at least, that it's her predicament now that has prompted me to take more care of myself lest we both go under together, where I can ill afford to be either seriously ill at this point, nor die outright, no not while she's still battling on...", in fact, the goblin's life was on hold, yes, albeit with many pleasant working days and family evenings, adding "...as of yet she doesn't need me close by as I'd only be under her feet if I were, if anything she is enjoying her newfound freetime with visiting friends to the point of boredom even, besides I've been asked by my boss if I can work tomorrow too, so that makes how many days to date, not counting, and where my next day off still seems far off indeed...", simply the goblin's life continued as pleasantly as it did, moreover today seemed the very fist cloudless day of the year, so the goblin was happy to be alive now, with his captain bossing him around as should be


xxxx 6104 464667

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  #6106  
Old 06-20-2018, 06:19 AM
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anna had taken her car to the garage, it kept cutting out, stalling and when pulling out across the path of fast moving on coming traffic a few weeks back the predicament had left a chill in her bones ... ‘you think of those you love - then, they hold your thoughts in that moment babe, the good guys, you don’t think of the bad stuff - that’s the thing’ ... and the car was a mess - and the garage dudes were all so good natured. Men then - such innocent banter to be had, what would they think of the state of her drive. Jimi Hendrix left jamming from that open road so maybe they’ll overlook the shambles and fix it right - make her smile - yes they love to do that really - menfolk - to see you speed off into the sunset happy ...’ anna felt uncomfortable somehow ‘... can’t quite rid myself of the concern that all this women-empowerment thing might quash the innocent fun and games one mutually enjoys with all of life’s way-good-enough-natured side of guys then, shrugs.

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  #6107  
Old 06-20-2018, 09:11 AM
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Ah, anna, we've been putting up with women's capriciousness and wickedness since the beginning of time, and we still love you.

A little bit of empowerment won't change that.
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Mr. Ed said I should use his signature, since he's not anymore. In honor of his good friend Nok, here it is: "As far as smoking a cigar," she said, "I'd not know where to start or how to start." "It's simple," said I, "You light one end and chew on the other and hope to meet in the middle."
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  #6108  
Old 06-20-2018, 07:02 PM
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We were driving home from a three day vacation in San Diego to Phoenix (alone, without the kids), when she said something. “You know, I don’t think I could do what you do. I mean, if I had to I’d survive—I’d have to—but it’s good I have you. And, it’s good you have me too... we do different things. We hold up separate ends of a bargain. Like: separate but equal in an unquantifiable way.”

“Unquantifiable?” I asked.

“It’s like, you see it from your side, and I see it from mine,” she said. “I know you love the children, protect them, provide for them, but you really don’t know what it means to raise them. Not really. It’s such a delicate operation, the touch, the smile, at just the right moment, and you’re like a bull in a china shop sometimes.
A messy bull at that.”
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  #6109  
Old 06-22-2018, 03:09 AM
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repost from elsewhere

"...I'll read whatever you write then, no the way it's written for me is just your way of handling it though, and is all the more you by your choice of depiction by it..." went the goblin who had just been causally talking with someone, without letting on why though, whose husband had died of the same type cancer then in 2007 about eight months after the onset, and that there was so much pain in the end that even morphine didn't do much good it seemed, to which of course the goblin eye's had grown wide behind the old man's ever so calm "oh do continue please" demure, whereupon the goblin confided "...well I guess my life just got 100% more real by this...", yet outside the bistro the sunny day was far too hot to be anywhere like england now, as people simply crawled into the nearest shade where life continued no doubt between those frantic icecreams and resulting perspiration, yes life was good though, summer was after all perhaps the best backdrop to the start the whole affair, as later it would have been hard to avoid the heat at home, sighing "...so just how much is too much then, yet that's not my choice is it, no it's hers, just I'm a coward xxxxx, somehow I know that in her place I'd never let battle go on right up to the tirani stage, but honestly right now it's like 100% real yes, yet all so surreal in the encounter of it, if anything it's like some strange encounter with death close up, an encounter not only for the one being called away but also for the ones who are sending her off too, and for me now who somehow has to write this down to the best of my ability..."


xxxx 6108 465609

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  #6110  
Old 06-22-2018, 06:12 AM
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and flea was left drifting in and out of focus as anna babbled quietly along in the back of his mind then ... ‘see I’d been getting advice on the very nature of things a little like you, but completely incomparable, I know. It was a life audit so to speak and he was most eloquent in the appraisal of her undoing, he was professional, knowledgeable, slick, composed’ - but what had struck her harder than the telling of brutal truths was his subsequent unraveling ‘I mean I responded to his evaluation with more a look and a few utterances probably incoherent, that feeling when life implodes in your ears with a whoosh and the reality you walked in with is snatched away like a cheap gingham tablecloth over veneer and one becomes a wobbling condiment trying to regain composure ... he retorted ridiculously for one in a professional capacity, he blurted it out - ‘don’t shoot the messenger!’ and that’s when I knew the predicament was all well, disastrous in the absolute ...’ she though for awhile then whispered ‘so you see - you’re actually managing very well babe - hang in there ...’ before retreating.

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Old 06-23-2018, 12:43 AM
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anna popped back placing a coffee within his periphery and hugging a cup of bird-song tea, funnily enough as part of that whole business she had been encouraged to seek the advice of another professional who designed to meet her in a hotel, I suppose they have their techniques for letting you down gently, soft furnishings, a sophisticated ambiance ... ‘he did a good job, you could see he was having to work hard to keep it all under wraps, you could see it bothered him, he was most attentive - I mean his services cost really big money for good reason and he knew how to work that system, he talked the talk and he was exactly the right man for the job, a Rottweiler by all accounts - the outcome would have been so very different certainly’ ... anna took a sip of tea and caressed the delicate porcelain of her past ... ‘but he knew that I knew that he knew that I wouldn’t do that and couldn’t possibly do that - so he simply asked if I wanted to put some pastries in my hand bag for the kids - I looked at him in that moment babe - I tipped all those sticky cakes into my one basket without uttering a word, stood up calmly and left.’


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Old 06-23-2018, 08:01 PM
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Grace slowly picked at the keyboard with no appetite to write - her trigger finger tapping 'delete' like a woodpecker. And it wasn't the lack of things to say, but rather, the avalanche that one loud word could cause. She had learnt to be still over the years - her broken shards fused into glaciers that loomed in the backdrop of her life like Swiss scenery. Beautiful and distant. But everything she wrote seemed to echo like a pistol crack - so her words were silenced under the screeching tyres of a reversing cursor. She quit and went back to reading - watching Flea negotiate the rapids in a barrel. Listening for the waterfall. A chance, perhaps, that he'd wedge in the rocks awhile but ultimately the current never allows us to go back the way we came.. Outside, a lone bird took up its dawn call - as soft and lilting as a penny- whistle. The night was bleeding its colour like a paint brush thrown in the sink and she could see every detail of the fields and hedgerows emerge from a navy blue wash. And she'd lost time again - thinking the things she didn't write. Meaning the things she hadn't said. She would sleep now, with the new day safely gathered in.
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Old 06-23-2018, 09:34 PM
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brian was happy to see Grace tip-toeing around the margins, and hoped she would soon be spotted taking a dip. Not that he hoped to (himself) catch her skinny-dipping—no, nothing like that. Still, to know she was somewhere here was enough for now.
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