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Any ideas for my novel?

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Old 06-20-2016, 05:49 AM
Super Mario (Offline)
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Well I said I'd post a bit so here goes. I know there will a few critiques but will be much appreciated.

It was a quiet warm July night. Julia Forbes sat down to watch some television after a tiring day at the office. Her only child Denise was slumbering away the hours upstairs. It was her time – alone. Julia sighed as she ran her hand through her blond wispy hair.

Life had not been good over the past 3 years. She had split from her husband Patrick Wayne in August 2007 when they realised they were not following the same paths together. It had started off well – the whirlwind romance that sweeps you off your feet and makes you think this is the one.

They both met at University. Patrick was studying law and Julia doing a degree in Business Administration. After six months of going out together Patrick proposed and she decided, “yes.” She had never felt as sure of anything as wanting to spend the rest of her life with this man. About a year or so later along came little Denise. Life changed with the endless feeding and nappy changing. Patrick was so proud to become a Dad. Denise was the apple of his eye. But that all changed.

It was little cracks that started to show. Patrick started coming in later and later from work. “I’m snowed under with work” was his excuse. At the time it wasn’t an excuse to her. It was a pretty demanding job, trying to impress the senior partners of a large law firm when there was much younger competition. Little did she know he was having an affair with one of the senior executives. “Trying to get your ball in the goal in more ways than one” she’d spat at him.

He left that night to stay with his parents. The divorce proceeding went as amicably as divorce proceedings go. The money she received from the selling of the house was enough to buy her a small apartment in the centre of London. It was more convenient for her as she could walk the 20 minutes to work rather than have to spend £60 on a train ticket to commute from Whitefield.

Julia got up to look out the window. As areas went it wasn’t too rough. You would get the usual gangs of kids hanging around bored and the usual drunken merriment associated with football after Liverpool has beat Manchester.

However there had been a high incidence of burglaries in the past few weeks. Mrs Dewer next door had returned home to find her window broken and her Laptop stolen along with £150. Mr Donaldson a couple of doors up had woken up in the middle of the night to hear a commotion outside. On opening the curtains he had seen two men running away. He was perturbed by it, if he hadn’t heard the noise would the men have broken in and what would they have done?

Julia went over to the television to switch it off. There was no point saying what if? She just wanted to go to bed and worry about the next day when it arrived. She looked in at 3 year old Denise who was sleeping without a care in the world. “Goodnight little one” she thought. She got into the shower, letting the water wash all her worries away and put her pyjamas on. She got into bed and shut her eyes drifting away into a deep sleep.

BANG! She awoke from her sleep unsure if the bang had been real or not. She let her eyes adjust to the gloom of the room. Then she heard the squeal of a hinge. There was an intruder in her house. She leapt out of bed wide awake now. She crept out into the hall and looked up and down. There was nobody there. Then she went into Denise’s room to check on her. She was still sleeping soundly.

Then she turned around to see someone in a balaclava behind her. Suddenly she was pushed her in the back. “Where’s the money bitch!!!” he yelled. As he had pushed her she had stumbled and fell onto Denise’s bed which woke Denise up who was now screaming. “If you don’t tell me where the money is you and your daughter will regret it!” he yelled. He then grabbed Julia by the hair and pulled her head hard.

“Please stop” Julia sobbed. She then saw him take something out of his pocket and realised it was a gun. “Please don’t hurt my child!” The man yelled “You or your child will not get hurt if you give me your money!” “It’s in the safe” Julia cried.

Julia walked to the kitchen where the safe was located in a small cupboard. With trembling hands she typed in the combination. Entry denied. Oh no she’d forgotten the combination. “Hurry up!” the man yelled. Trembling violently she tried again. This time the safe beeped its approval. Pushing her to the side the man grabbed the door open and took all Julia’s savings. He then smacked her head with the barrel of the gun. As she slipped away from the realities of consciousness the last thing she heard was Denise screaming.

“Julia, Julia” she heard someone call. You’re okay. The ambulance is on its way. Groggily she opened her eyes and looked up into Sam Lawson’s eyes. “What about Denise?” “She’s fine the man didn’t touch her” Sam reassured her. “You’ve taken a bashing to the head” “We need to get you to hospital”

As the ambulance pulled up with its strobe lights flashing Denise tried to move and felt a sharp pain explode in her head. The paramedics strapped an oxygen mask to her face and carried her out to the waiting ambulance. There were people standing at their windows wondering what had happened. Julia knew there would be rumours flying around come the morning. She had been beaten by her husband, who had pushed her down the stairs. “You don’t know anything!” she thought.

At the hospital she was X Rayed and asked questions. She needed 12 stitches above her eyebrow and had no other damage except concussion. They kept her in for the rest of the night which was just precautionary. In the morning the Doctor came round to examine her and gave her the all clear. She was given pain medication and sent on her way.

She felt relieved to be stepping outside again into fresh air. As she stood at the bus stop she couldn’t help but feel edgy. She realised that she could be sharing this bus with the same man who attacked her. She stole furtive glances at the other passengers around her. So this is what it is like to feel paranoid she thought. Your trust betrayed all by one man.
As she stepped off the bus and made her way to her apartment she looked around her. She looked at the old grey buildings and the graffiti at the bus stop. She’d never paid that much attention, she had just been happy to find somewhere to live after the split. It had been close to her work and there were shops nearby. Everything she really needed to raise a child on her own and to stand on her two feet.

When she arrived back at her apartment the first thing she noticed was the Police tape surrounding her property. Then she heard a call “Julia why don’t you come in and have a coffee. I’ve got Denise.” Julia looked over at Emily Dawson and smiled. Typical Emily, she took control of everything, was organised and methodical.

As she was ushered in by Emily, Denise came running towards her. She leapt into her Mum’s arms and smothered her in big kisses. “The Police will want a word with you” Emily said as she settled her guest. She then brought in two steaming cups of coffee and a small glass of orange juice for Denise.

As she looked closely at Emily she looked at the wrinkles that formed her face and realised although she was only 45 she looked much older. Those were signs of stress, the daily toil of a woman who had to fight for everything in her life. Emily had found it hard after her husband Robert had passed away after a massive heart attack in the street. She had been left devastated and grief had overtaken her in the first few months after his passing. The funeral arrangements, the never ending condolences by well meaning people and dealing with the bills needing paid. He had taken care of all that business; she stayed out of it preferring ignorance over knowledge.

“I was horrified after I heard what had happened to you. Poor little Denise must have been terrified. It makes you feel so vulnerable, unable to believe anybody could actually do something like that” said Emily shaking her head. A cold shiver ran down Julia’s spine as she thought of the terrible consequences that could have befallen her. Although she had all her life savings taken, by cooperation her life and her daughter’s had been saved which put a grim perspective on matters.

There was a knock at the door. “That’ll be the Police” said Denise. I told them you would be here.” As the two Police Officers walked in Julia marvelled at how young they looked. They looked young enough to be her sons, all the signs that I am getting old she thought sadly.

They introduced themselves as PC Jack Lyons and PC Alastair McMillan. They asked her the usual questions about her DOB, Occupation, Married or Unmarried. Then it was time for the interrogation to begin. “So at what time did you go to bed?” asked PC Lyons “About 9.00pm” answered Julia. “It had been a hard day at work and I was exhausted”

“So at what time did you wake up?” This question came from PC McMillan “I couldn’t tell you” answered Julia truthfully. “I was woken up by this bang and I was trying to piece together whether it was real or it was part of my dream.” She looked into the cold blue eyes of PC McMillan. It felt as though his eyes pierced right through into every nook and cranny of her skeleton. “Then I heard the squeak of a hinge and realised that someone was in my house. At that moment I leapt out of bed and went into the hall. I didn’t see anybody so I went to check on my daughter Denise who was sound asleep. As I turned around there was someone standing behind me” “What height were they?” asked PC McMillan “He was about 6 foot. I couldn’t see his face as he was wearing a balaclava.” “Can you remember what he was wearing?” No it was all so sudden said Julia.” He pushed me in the back and yelled “Where’s your money? Bitch!” PC Lyons scribbled down this piece of information. “I stumbled and fell on to Denise’s bed. She woke up and started screaming. It was then the confusion started. Had he grabbed her by the hair and then yelled at her or was it the other way around?

“I think he grabbed me by the hair and yelled “You and your daughter will regret it if you don’t give me your money. He then took a gun out his pocket and repeated what he said. Was that what he said? The shock had masked the trauma making it difficult to remember the exact sequence of events. “Just try and remember it as best you can” said PC McMillan calmly. “I went into the kitchen and tried to type in the safe combination but the anxiety made me forget. He yelled at me again “Hurry up!” I typed in the right combination and he pushed me to the side and grabbed all the money then hit me in the head. “That’s the last thing I remember.”

Julia realised she had tears running down her cheeks. Relieving the memory was worse than when it actually happened. At least when it was over it was over. Having to replay the scenes in her head, to try remembering every painstaking detail reminded her of what had actually took place. She would be left with those memories for the rest of her life. Just like a CD Player stuck on repeat, over and over again.

“We had a nine nine nine call at about 10:30pm said PC McMillan. “Your neighbour Sam Lawson called us. We’ve already interviewed him. He said he was walking by your apartment when he saw a man in dark clothes running away from the back of your apartment. He then realised something was wrong. He ran to the front door where there was a hole in the window and saw you lying unconscious in the middle of the floor. We’ve taken fingerprints but they are inconclusive so that says the perpetrator was wearing gloves. P.C Lyons closed his notebook. “We will be in touch but in the meantime if you remember anything else don’t hesitate to contact us”

At that moment Emily came in and walked them to the door. When they had left Emily said “You and Denise are welcome to stay here for as long as you want. I wouldn’t feel safe staying by myself after what you’ve been through.” Julia smiled her appreciation. “I promise I will not outstay my welcome. Thank you so much. How would the world survive if there weren’t nice people like you to support others?”

“I’ve had so many people supporting me its time I supported others.” smiled Emily. The whole structure of society would fall apart if there weren’t more nice people than bad people. Julia smiled as Denise snuggled up close. Her daughter was all she really wanted.






.


Last edited by Super Mario; 07-01-2016 at 11:55 PM..
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  #2  
Old 06-22-2016, 09:21 PM
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HI Mario ☺ your novel seems really good. You've worked hard to write it. I just wanted to say if you post it in small pieces ,it'll be easy for everyone to read and critique thoroughly. Post a single chapter or half one and when you receive critique about it, then post the other. I hope in this way you'll get more responses.
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Old 06-25-2016, 11:44 AM
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Thank you very much. I had a feeling that I posted too much.
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Old 06-26-2016, 11:17 AM
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This has the elements of a great story.

One thing I noticed that will help your writing. Try to eliminate every instance of the word 'had'. This nasty little past perfect word keeps the writing from flowing as well as it could. It acts like a brick to trip over.

You can't get rid of every one, but each 'had' you can get rid off will help the flow.
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Old 06-27-2016, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by jimmymc View Post
This has the elements of a great story.

One thing I noticed that will help your writing. Try to eliminate every instance of the word 'had'. This nasty little past perfect word keeps the writing from flowing as well as it could. It acts like a brick to trip over.

You can't get rid of every one, but each 'had' you can get rid off will help the flow.
Thank you very much. Would you like me to post more? I will go back through it and seem if I can eliminate any hads.
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Old 06-30-2016, 11:53 PM
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So here's Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2
At the debrief the next day P.C Lyons and PC McMillan along with their colleagues paid close attention to what Inspector Lynn Cullen was saying. “As you know there have been three burglaries in the South of London in Wynd Road. What we need to establish is if there is a link between these burglaries. The most recent one was Julia Forbes who lives at 6 Wynd Road. Pc Lyons and Pc McMillan both interviewed Miss Forbes yesterday. Would you like to outline the interview?”

“We visited Miss Forbes at 11:00 am” said PC McMillan. Miss Forbes gave us a description of events. One thing that can be established is the burglary must have taken place between the time of 10:00pm and 10:30pm. The nine nine nine call took place at 10:33pm. The victim was found on the floor unconscious by one of her neighbours who then contacted us.”

“So do we have any motives or has this just been a random attack?” asked Inspector Cullen. “Well” said Pc Lyons, “she split from her husband a year and a half ago. The split as far we could make out was left on good terms, just wanting to go their separate ways. He had an affair with one of the senior Directors of the law firm he was working at. It seems too coincidental for it not to be the same people who have been doing the break ins” “Do we have any idea where the ex husband is living?” We want to eliminate everybody no matter how innocent they may be.” “We believe he is living in Wilmslow in Chesire” said Pc McMillan. “But wouldn’t she have recognised his voice?” asked Pc Lyons.

“We will ask colleagues in Wilmslow to contact Mr Wayne.” I also feel that it would be a good time to put a feature in the local rag. I would also like an increased police presence in Wynd Road. Right that is the end of the debrief.


***

Julia awoke to the smell of eggs and bacon wafting upstairs from the kitchen. She sat up, stretched and winced at the pain in her head. This room was the largest one and was one reserved for guests expected or unexpected. Julia had never been a real deep sleeper; she would awake at the slightest noise or creak. But last night she had tossed and turned unable to relax enough for sleep to overcome her.

She stumbled down the stairs to greet Emily in the Kitchen. She was just serving up bacon and eggs on to a plate. “Come in Come in. How did you sleep last night?” “Very poorly” she admitted. “Every time I closed my eyes I could see the man in the balaclava. All I can see is his eyes staring at me.

The sympathy on Emily’s face was evident as she served up breakfast. Julia wasn’t even sure if she would be able to manage the eggs and bacon, her appetite was suppressed by the pounding headache. She gingerly reached up to her head and grimaced at the pain that shot through her head.

“The Police are still gathering evidence from your house” “It could be quite a while before you are allowed back in” said Emily as she put down a plate piled high with scrambled eggs and bacon. “However my offer still stands” “You and Denise are welcome to stay here as long as you need to”

Julia managed to smile her thanks and tried to eat some bacon. She had to keep her strength up not only for Denise but for the days ahead. It really had shook her up that somebody would want to harm her and terrorise her daughter. Almost on cue Denise came running down the stairs into the kitchen and enveloped her Mum in a bear hug.

“Hello sleepy head” Julia ruffled her daughter’s wild blonde curly hair. Every time Denise sat in front of the television it was like a total eclipse had taken place. Looking at Denise brought memories back of Patrick and his delight at being told he was going to be a father. When Julia was pregnant Patrick could not have been more attentive to her needs, taking time off work to attend scans and sharing her delight they had created a living being together. He had also come along to antenatal classes so he could learn what to expect during the pregnancy. It seemed that Patrick was worried he would feel the odd one out but there were other male partners there willing to share every special moment together.

After the divorce Patrick decided his position at the law firm was untenable: he would have to work under the Director with whom he had an affair with reminding him of all he lost by making a bad choice. He had moved to Wilmslow, Cheshire for a fresh start. Nobody knew who he was, what he’d done – a mystery identity. As far as Julia knew he had quickly got work as a solicitor in one of the local law firms. Not as prestigious perhaps but good enough for him.

As Julia absentmindedly pushed her scrambled eggs around the plate she thought some more of Patrick. He had always had an ambitious, stubborn streak in him. Had the ambition been for his family or was it for himself? Pressure of impression or pressure to want the very best in life? Julia mused. Wanting the best all the time costs a lot more than monetary value she thought. There was pressure from his family who were academically inclined so it was assumed he would follow in their footsteps. He came from a family of doctors, teachers and accountants. His parents were two top surgeons in the best hospital in London and his brother was a top accountant in a prestigious accountancy firm.

Julia was roused from her thoughts by Emily asking what Denise would like for breakfast. “Peanut butter and soldiers” squealed Denise. Julia smiled. Denise would eat Peanut butter and Soldiers every day if she could. “Peanut butter and Soldiers it is then” said Emily. “So are you going to work today Julia?” Emily asked as she turned to get the bread out the cupboard. “No I will call Dave and explain that I’ve come down with flu” “I think after breakfast me and Denise will go for a walk” Julia felt that being cooped in all day would do neither of them any favours. They both needed to try and move on from the horrendous event last night, to not allow the perpetrator to rule and ruin their lives. Julia also wondered whether she should contact Patrick to let him know what had happened. Despite their parting they still remained friends and Patrick still cared about them both. The love for his daughter would always be there despite the distance apart. He always made the effort to come up to London to see his daughter at the weekends even with all the work he had to do. Patrick and Denise would go into London to one of the cafes. He would then take her to play in Hyde Park, feed the swans and run around to burn off energy and lunch. As Julia closed the door she made up her mind.

Julie started walking down the alleyway which separated the houses. As she turned the corner on to the main street she heard a shout. “Oi Julie” Julie turned round to see Sam Lawson jogging casually towards her. “Hi Sam” she said. “I really appreciated your help last night” “How are you?” Sam asked with genuine concern etched on his smooth face.
“Coping” It’s the only thing I can do The Police told me that you found me unconscious and contacted them. Thank you so much.”
“I heard a commotion, you know a lot of shouting as I was walking by your apartment so decided to investigate. That’s when I came across the hole in the window and realised that there is something not right here. I opened the door and went straight upstairs where I guessed you would be at that time of night. I checked on Denise as I could hear her crying and then called 999”. Sam looks down at Denise and gives her a gentle grin. “Are you going to work today?” Sam asked
“No I’ve told a wee white lie” replied Julia truthfully. “I told my boss Dave I had the flu and I threw in some fake coughs for good measure” “I don’t really want people to know what happened yet” “Plus how can I be the front of house face with a face like this?” pointing to her stitched up sore looking bump protruding from above her eyebrow. It wouldn’t look good for the company image considering the line of work I’m in.” Julie said with a small laugh.

After graduating university with 2:1 Degree in Business Administration Julia decided to combine her love of organisation with her love of beauty therapy. She saw a vacancy for a Receptionist in a beauty salon “Beautyis4u”. She applied and got an interview that day. It was a family established business run by Dave Williamson and his wife Jean Williamson. After some questions about customer service and how to deal with difficult customers she was interrogated about her degree and where she would like to be in five years. Answering truthfully that she would like to be in a managerial capacity. That was a year ago and now she was Senior Receptionist in charge of the junior staff. They’d called her back that very same day and offered her the post.

Julia was so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn’t heard what Sam had asked “Are you going to contact Patrick about last night? Sam asked again. Maybe it was Julia’s imagination but did Sam’s eyes narrow just the slightest when he mentioned Patrick. Shaking her doubts aside she explained to Sam that she would go down to Wilmslow, Cheshire and tell him face to face. There was nothing she could do right now with her house under forensic scrutiny and besides she was still very shaken up by the intruder. She would feel safer with her and Denise as far away from the flat as possible. Thanking Sam once again she turned on her heel and walked towards the bus stop. It was only as she reached the bus stop a thought hit her. Sam, when he had been describing what he had heard had omitted the detail about seeing a man fleeing away.

***
The Police were still struggling to come up with any concrete evidence. The fingerprints came up inconclusive. The only fingerprints there had been was Sam Lawson after he entered the property to check on Julia and Denise. DI Jack Dawkins had been put in charge of the investigation and was calling a briefing. “Right so what have we got so far?” he said to his team.
It was DC David Mullen who piped up first “Forensics have done an investigation of the house and as we already know the only fingerprints are that of the neighbour who went to check on Julia and Denise. They were found on the door knob and key so that was obviously when he unlocked and opened the door. We feel it would be beneficial to re interview Sam Lawson and the others who’d had a break in” He paused to check his notebook. “Mrs Margaret Dewar and Mr Adam Donaldson” “Well technically speaking Adam didn’t have a break in, he just heard noise and saw two men running away from the property which spooked him a bit”
The tall DC was good looking for mid 30’s. A recent divorcee DC Mullen had fallen foul of the long hours and danger of the job. His ex wife Marie would have liked to marry a man who had an easy 9-5 job and be home in time to bath the kids. They had never had kids because of the pressure of the job they felt it wouldn’t be fair on the children. However as time went on it became clearer that Marie wanted more. DC Mullen was torn between the love of his job and his desire to have kids. In the end it was decided they couldn’t make it work and both went on their separate ways.

The new kid on the block who next interjected was DC Sarah Reid. A fast track graduate with a BSC Hons in Police Studies with Criminal Investigation, she was aiming high and working hard. If she kept going the way she was going she would reach the heights of Chief Constable in no time. She wasn’t so ambitious that she forgot that her colleagues had more experience even although she had a degree. She understood the limits of her ability and didn’t exceed it.
“Sir, we contacted Cheshire Police to interview Patrick Wayne. It would appear that when officers went to his house he wasn’t in. There was also something else very strange. Miss Forbes said he got work quite quickly at a solicitors in Wilmslow, Cheshire. We have contacted every solicitors in Wilmslow, Cheshire and there is no record of him and nobody appears to have heard of him”.
DI Jack Mullen ran his hands through his thick glossy grey hair. Still attractive in his 50’s he had never married. Never felt any desire to settle down with a family, was a career orientated man who understood the job did not allow time for family life. He preferred being single, able to answer only to himself.
“So what do we know about Patrick Wayne? He picks up a board marker and draws a spider diagram with lines. Divorced in August 2007, Moves to Wilmslow, Cheshire for a fresh beginning, supposedly according to his ex wife he gets a job in a solicitors however there is no record of him working at any solicitors in Wilmslow.
Jack puts down the marker and turns around to face his team. “I feel the best start would be to interview his ex-wife and Mrs Dewar and Mr Donaldson. We can’t be certain that the break ins are related to the disappearance of Wayne Patrick. The only tenuous link we have is Miss Forbes was related to Patrick Wayne who is missing. We need to find out more from Miss Forbes about what Patrick Wayne was like. See if what she says sheds any light on where he might be or might have gone. DC Mullen and DC Reid could you go and re-interview Mrs Dewar, Mr Donaldson and Julia Forbes. Right that is the end of the debrief”
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Old 07-01-2016, 02:44 AM
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Looks like you're full of ideas...What else explains you being able to write such amazing stuff! Wonder why you are asking others for ideas :P
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Old 07-01-2016, 03:04 AM
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Thank you very much for your comment Zoey141 and everybody else. I'm actually writing right now. It was more for grammar and layout. I'm not bad at grammar but not that confident with it.

Last edited by Super Mario; 07-01-2016 at 03:14 AM..
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Old 07-01-2016, 05:26 AM
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Well decided to put Chapter 3 up. I must say this is the most I have written in my life I think. About 9,000 words altogether.

CHAPTER 3
Julia felt glad to be out and about. The fresh air and brisk walk helped to rid her memories of the night before. She was a very keen walker who enjoyed walking as it helped her to think. As she was walking she decided to try contacting Patrick. She would like to have surprised him and turned up on his doorstep but knew with his hectic work schedule it was better to try and arrange a long weekend visit. Maybe travel down on the Thursday and stay until Sunday. It would make a change for him instead of travelling up to them. She scrolled down to the number and pressed enter. Expecting him to answer within two or three rings she was surprised when it went to voice mail. “Hi Patrick, was wondering if you are free this weekend. Need to talk to you” Julia decided to keep it brief and explain more when she visited him in person.

Arriving back at Emily’s house Julia let herself in with the spare key that Emily had provided. She settled Denise in front of the television while she made a start on dinner. It was a nice way of saying thank you to Emily who had been generous enough to let them stay. They would have to go back to the flat; they couldn’t stay at Emily’s forever. As she started peeling potatoes she thought back to the man who broke into their flat. There was nothing distinguishable that made him stand out in Julia’s mind. She hadn’t recognised his voice even although he was shouting at them. He was dressed head to toe in black and wearing a balaclava. The only point she could come up with was he was very tall and thin. But so was 90% of the population. The police couldn’t exactly narrow the person down on that basis.

As she was putting the potatoes in a pan of water for boiling her mobile phone rang. Thinking it was Patrick she answered without checking the number. “Hello Patrick” She heard what sounded like muffled voices. “Hello” she said again. Assuming somebody had dialled her number by accident she hung up. She had just begun browning the mince when the doorbell went. Making sure she turned off the heat she went to the door and checked through the peephole. A smartly dressed man and a woman stood on the step. Julia opened the door on the chain. “Miss Forbes?” DC Mullen and DC Reid”. They both held up their ID badges for inspection. “May we come in?” “Of course” said Julia. She closed the door to release the chain then opened it wide to let constables in.

She showed the constables into the kitchen. “Tea or Coffee?” “Nothing for me thanks” replied the young female Detective. Julia reckoned she was in her 30’s. She smiled as she remembered thinking how young the other two police constables looked. Once the usual hospitality was out the way then the questioning started.
DC Mullen started off the questioning “Miss Forbes we have been trying to get in contact with your ex husband in Wilmslow Cheshire. However when our colleagues went to his house there was no reply. From our other enquiries it would appear that nobody has seen Patrick Wayne for quite some time. We know you said he got work in a Solicitors in Wilmslow but we contacted all the solicitors in Wilmslow and none of them had heard of him”
Julia lost colour in her cheeks and went as white as the walls. “Why would Patrick tell me lies? He’s a lawyer for heavens sake”
“Miss Forbes how did you meet Patrick?” We know you said it was at University while he was studying law. Could you elaborate a bit more?” DC Mullen questioned.
“It was like I said, at University. It was at the student bar. I know it sounds old fashioned and clichéd but our eyes met and it was love at first sight. He was in his final year of studying for a law degree and I was a First Year studying for a Degree in Business Administration. We dated for six months before deciding we were meant to be together and got married that same year. We had Denise a year later” Julia stops for breath and looks through the glass door at Denise giggling and laughing watching the Teletubbies.


Julia carried on “After Patrick graduated from University he got work in an upmarket solicitors in the centre of London. He was so pleased to get the job, it would be a great start for the beginning of his career. Of course he would be earning more money in a month than I would be earning in a year. I completed my three year degree and got a job in a Beauty Salon as a Receptionist. It might not seem very ambitious for someone with a degree but with Patrick earning good money it would allow me to focus on my passion rather than being a means to an end to pay the bills”
As DC Mullen was writing in the notebook he asked “Did you and Patrick have separate or joint bank accounts?”
“We had separate bank accounts” replied Julia. “Patrick preferred it that way. We agreed he would be in charge of paying all the household bills: electricity, council tax etc and I would use my money to buy shopping and stuff for Denise. Why are you asking all these personal questions? Do you think Patrick has done something illegal? I can tell you now he is as straight as a die. He’d have to be to be a lawyer.”
DC Reid looked at her and said in a calming voice: “Miss Forbes all we are trying to do is establish what type of person Patrick was. It just seems odd that he would lie about getting work in a solicitors in Wilmslow and no one has heard of him or seen him for weeks.


Julia remembered trying to phone him and getting his voice mail. “I was going to visit him this weekend to explain what happened the other night. You don’t think his disappearance has anything to do with that do you?”
“We always keep an open mind.” replied DC Reid. “Now could you tell me about Patrick’s affair?
“Well” Julia replied hands shaking “he had been working very long hours. It didn’t seem too odd because being a lawyer is a very stressful job and on top of his cases he was trying to impress the partners of the firm. But the final straw came one afternoon. I phoned his office to speak to him and spoke to the new Receptionist. When I said it’s his wife she was a bit hesitant before putting me through. She seemed slightly stunned to hear from me. Just the way she spoke made me suspicious straight away. When I thought about it more afterwards he was always answering phone calls and getting texts. I just assumed it was about his work. Like I said before a lawyer is a very highly stressful job. I confronted him the minute he stepped through the door. He didn’t even try to deny it, just nodded sheepishly and explained he had been having an affair for the past year. I screamed at him to get his things and get out. He stayed with his parents that night and he moved to Wilmslow before we were divorced”.
“Did you ever visit Mr Wayne in his flat in Wilmslow?” asked DC Mullen
“No he always insisted on coming up to London to spend time with Denise. The reason being that there was more to do in London than Wilmslow. They go to different cafes, feed the swans in Hyde Park or go to museums”.
Julia sighed a shaky breath. Patrick may have been unfaithful to her but he wouldn’t break the law. What was going on?
The next question came from DC Reid “On the night of the break did you notice anything out of place or anybody acting strangely?”
Julia thought back to the night in question. Then she remembered. When she had come home from work she had seen an old white van with three men sitting in it. Later on she had been preparing dinner for herself and Denise when there was a knock on the door. A young man was standing outside and enquired whether she was Julia Forbes. When she asked why he wanted to know he muttered something unintelligible and walked off quickly. She relayed this piece of information to the DC’s who took the information down in their notebooks.
“Just one more question Miss Forbes”. What was the name of the firm he worked for?
“Robert and Smith” replied Julia.
The detectives stood up and promised they would be in touch with any further developments.
Julia showed them to the door and watched them get in their Ford Mondeo all the time wondering what was really going on?



***

DC Reid and DC Mullen were both thoughtful as they drove back to the station. DC Reid was the first to break the silence. “So where do you think we should start?”
“Well we need to find out more about the white van and who was in it. We also need to talk to the partner with whom Patrick was having an affair with and get her side of the story.” Replied DC Mullen. “There doesn’t appear to be any CCTV so it looks like it’s going to be down to old fashioned police work, knocking on doors and asking if anyone else saw the same white van Julia Forbes saw. I also feel it wouldn’t go amiss to delve deeper into Patrick Wayne’s past. We have no substantial evidence that Julia Forbes break-in had anything to do with Patrick Wayne but he is a link to Julia Forbes and now he is missing. Let’s get some lunch, go back to the station and do some digging. DC Reid grinned. Her partner’s stomach was always rumbling. Food was all he thought about. “Fine let’s get you fed!” she laughed.


Back at the station after a quick bite to eat and updating DI Jack Dawkins the two detectives sat down and compiled a to do list. They decided to contact the solicitors in London where Patrick Wayne had worked and interview Elaine Robert, the partner with whom he had an affair. As luck would have it she managed to fit the detectives in that afternoon at 3:00pm. That left the detectives with 4 hours to do some more investigating.


“Tell you what let’s go back to Wynd Road and see if any other neighbours saw the white van that Julia Forbes did. Maybe other neighbours were approached by the man who knocked on Julia Forbes door. Or did this man know exactly where Julia Forbes lived”? DC Mullen scratched his chin thoughtfully.
As the two detectives walked down the corridor to the multi storey car park DC Reid opened up her notebook and examined her notes.
“According to Miss Forbes the van was an old white Ford Transit round about the 90’s era so quite distinguishable. However we do not know if the same man who came to the door was one of the men in the Transit van. It was too far away for Miss Forbes to get a look at them and to be honest she wasn’t paying too much attention. The only reason it stood out was because of she had never seen it before and its age. I’ll drive”


DC Mullen gave her the car keys and got in the passenger side.” Let’s hope we can glean some information from the neighbours.”
The first neighbour they went to was Mrs Margaret Dewar. Although she was in her 70’s she was very spritely and sharp. She had been out visiting friends when her burglary took place. “I don’t know what the world is coming to!” she exclaimed. “In my day we could leave our doors unlocked and neighbours would let themselves in for a cuppa of tea and a chat”.


The two detectives smiled at her memories. There would never be community spirit like that again. Ever since the age of the internet people didn’t make the effort to get to know their neighbours and community, preferring to communicate sat behind a computer screen on Facebook or the like.


“Did you notice anything out of the ordinary on the day you were burgled?” DC Reid prompted her before she could go back to the good old days.
“Not that I can remember.” It was a perfectly ordinary day for me. I always go and see my friends on a Tuesday” I usually stay in the house until I’m ready to go just catching up on washing and ironing”.
“Thank you for your time Mrs Dewar. We’ll be in touch if there are any more developments” The two detectives stood up and walked to the door.
“You will catch the people who burgled me won’t you detectives?” Mrs Dewar said imploringly as she opened the door to let them out.
“We promise we are doing our best”. Replied DC Mullen. “Like I say if there are any developments we will let you know as soon as possible”


The detectives did not have further luck with Adam Donaldson who just reiterated what he had told the police constables. He had heard some banging and got out of bed to look out the window just in time to see two men running away. He couldn’t tell them anymore than that except he was shaken.


It was nearly time to drive into the City of London to interview Elaine Robert. They drew up at the offices and walked into the Reception area where a pretty young lady was sitting typing at her computer. “DC Mullen and DC Reid to see Elaine Roberts at 3:00pm”. “Just take a seat over there” pointed the young Receptionist. The two detectives looked around at their surroundings, plush leather seats, polished marble floor. “Do you think it would be worth talking to the Receptionist after we’ve interviewed Ms Robert? DC Reid enquired of his partner. “After all she let the cat out the bag” he grinned. “I don’t think it would go amiss replied DC Mullen. “We need to try and build up a picture of what he was like, the more information, the more we might work out where he has gone or what he has been doing”
She was interrupted from carrying on by a tall lady. “Are you the two detectives here to see me?” “Yes” replied the two detectives showing their badges.
“I’m Elaine Robert, Senior Partner of the firm” “We’ll go upstairs. Can I get you anything to drink, tea or coffee?” The two detectives declined the offer as they stepped into the plush elevator. “I understand you are here about Patrick Wayne?”
It could be DC Reid’s imagination but was there the slightest blush at the mention of Patrick Wayne?
“Take a seat. “Are you sure you don’t want tea or coffee?” Again the two detectives declined. It was time to get down to business.
“Ms Robert we’ve come to talk about one of your solicitors Patrick Wayne who was in your employment from September 2003 to August 2007. Could you give me an idea of what he was like? This question came from DC Mullen.
“When he first started here he was rather hardworking and desperate to prove himself to the company. He had just graduated from University and was keen to work hard. He got on well with clients and colleagues alike. I feel he was so excited to be given a foot in the door. He was very ambitious and willing to learn. Why are you asking these questions?”
“We know you were having an affair with him” said DC Reid very directly. Could you tell us about that?
If there hadn’t been a blush from Elaine Robert before in the lift there was one now. But it wasn’t for the reason the detectives thought.
“Affair!! What affair? I never had an affair with Patrick Wayne. Where on earth did you get that idea from!?
The two detectives looked rather chastised before replying: “His ex wife told us you had an affair with him. That’s the reason he split up with his wife and moved down to Wilmslow in Cheshire” His wife told us she phoned the office and spoke to the Receptionist who seemed surprised when she said it was his wife phoning. His wife had been rather suspicious for some time because he had been getting phone calls and messages.”
Elaine Robert looked as if someone had said pigs were flying to the moon and back. “The reason the Receptionist was hesitant and surprised is because he had told us he wasn’t married so to hear that it was his wife came as something of a surprise to all of us. Please could you tell me what this is all about Detectives? It seems his wife has jumped to the completely wrong conclusion”
This revelation was as much of a surprise to DC Mullen and DC Reid who were as clueless as Elaine Robert. This left them with more questions than answers namely why would Patrick Wayne just tell his wife that he was having an affair when he wasn’t? Who was lying and why? To be fair Elaine Robert did seem genuinely surprised when they asked about the affair.
DC Mullen decided to try a different line of questioning: “Ms Robert when did Patrick Wayne resign from your company?”
“I don’t know the date off the top of my head but if you could just give me a couple of minutes I would be very happy to check.” Elaine Robert turned to her computer and clicked the mouse a few times. The detectives waited patiently while she scrolled through details. After a few minutes Elaine Robert replied “Patrick Wayne resigned from our company in February 2007”
The detectives glanced at one another with puzzlement. That was a whole six months before he left Julia. What was odder still was the fact Julia had told the detectives that he had told her he resigned in August 2007 the day after he confessed to having a so called affair with Elaine Robert.
“When he resigned did he offer any explanation as to why he wanted to resign?” asked DC Reid”
Elaine Robert looked thoughtful before replying “The reason he gave was vague, he decided his time had come to an end and he wanted to move on. It struck me as rather odd because he had been doing really well here, in fact he was in line for promotion although we hadn’t told him that yet.”
“Did you tell him that when he resigned?” asked DC Reid
“Yes” replied Elaine Roberts. “I was dismayed because he was doing so well and was popular and liked by everybody including clients. But he was adamant and nothing I said would change his mind”

The detectives decided to finish up the interview and try and tie up the loose knots they had encountered so far. They had been left with more questions than answers and those questions needed resolving. It was time to go back and visit Julia Forbes to see if she could help shed any more light on Patrick Wayne. She had already had a shock so far about her ex-husband’s disappearance and it would seem there was more to Patrick Wayne than met the eye.

“Thank you for your time Ms Roberts. If we need any more information from you we will be in touch. Likewise if you can think of anything else no matter how insignificant it seems then please don’t hesitate to get in touch” DC Mullen gave her a card with his details on it which she glanced at and put in a top drawer. “I will do detectives” Elaine Roberts replied as she shook both their hands.

The detectives were thoughtful on the drive back to the station. Who was lying and why? Elaine Robert seemed really surprised when they told her Patrick Wayne had a wife. Why had he not told anyone and why had Patrick Wayne resigned six months earlier than he had told his wife. It was time to pay Julia Forbes another visit and dig deeper into Patrick Wayne’s past.

Last edited by Super Mario; 07-01-2016 at 05:29 AM..
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Old 07-01-2016, 01:34 PM
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ok I see you didn't give much credence to the 'omit the hads' critique. it's good advice.

the story

in the debriefing the style is correct and very expected, however it's not quite the same with the story. while short bold sentences are to the point, it keeps the readers on their toes. however most readers don't want to be kept on their toes - they want to relax and just read so please take the rewrite of your first sentence for what it's worth.



It was a quiet warm July night. Julia Forbes sat down to watch some television after a tiring day at the office. Her only child Denise was slumbering away the hours upstairs. It was her time – alone. Julia sighed as she ran her hand through her blond wispy hair.


Julia Forbes was exhausted when she arrived home from the office. She was looking forward to spending time with Denise over the long forth of July weekend. The quit warm nights were just what she needed to relax. the explosion of a fire cracker several blocks away remaindered her, fireworks come with this holiday.

Denise met her at the door with a hug and a excited "MOMMY'S HOME!"

Julia had to smile and hugged her tight as she picked her up. The baby sitter was ready to leave and Denise handed her the weekly check she we left. "Thank you Mrs. Jones. You have a nice weekend."


"You're welcome, Julia. It's my pleasure to sit with such a wonderful little girl"

The formalities over Mrs. Jones left and Julia closed the door. Almost in one motion she sat Denise on the floor and run her hand through her own whisky blond hair, it was as baby fine as her daughters.

Someone set off a entire package of fire crackers and Julia cringed know this was going to go on all weekend. But, there was still supper to be made and a very active little girl to get to bed before she could crash on the sofa with fresh popcorn to watch that old movie on television.

It was almost eight before everything was in order and the microwave was just popping the last kernels of corn in that salty buttery sauce. She took the bag and eased into the comfy sofa, reached for the remote and clicked on that old movie she had been waiting to see all week.


I didn't edit this so if there are errors sorry.

the point is don't sell your stories short by making them to brief, I have said nothing more in this piece than you did in you initial paragraph. But, hopefully I have enchanted to reader into reading more because they now are interested in the character Julia Forbes.

hope this helps and it is just my opinion


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Old 07-01-2016, 11:58 PM
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Originally Posted by max crash View Post
ok I see you didn't give much credence to the 'omit the hads' critique. it's good advice.

the story

in the debriefing the stile is correct and very expected, however it's not quite the same with the story. while short bold sentences are to the point, it keeps the readers on their toes. however most readers don't want to be kept on their toes - they want to relax and just read so please take the rewrite of your first sentence for what it's worth.



It was a quiet warm July night. Julia Forbes sat down to watch some television after a tiring day at the office. Her only child Denise was slumbering away the hours upstairs. It was her time – alone. Julia sighed as she ran her hand through her blond wispy hair.


Julia Forbes was exhausted when she arrived home from the office. She was looking forward to spending time with Denise over the long forth of July weekend. The quit warm nights were just what she needed to relax. the explosion of a fire cracker several blocks away remaindered her, fireworks come with this holiday.

Denise met her at the door with a hug and a excited "MOMMY'S HOME!"

Julia had to smile and hugged her tight as she picked her up. The baby sitter was ready to leave and Denise handed her the weekly check she we left. "Thank you Mrs. Jones. You have a nice weekend."


"You're welcome, Julia. It's my pleasure to sit with such a wonderful little girl"

The formalities over Mrs. Jones left and Julia closed the door. Almost in one motion she sat Denise on the floor and run her hand through her own whisky blond hair, it was as baby fine as her daughters.

Someone set off a entire package of fire crackers and Julia cringed know this was going to go on all weekend. But, there was still supper to be made and a very active little girl to get to bed before she could crash on the sofa with fresh popcorn to watch that old movie on television.

It was almost eight before everything was in order and the microwave was just popping the last kernels of corn in that salty buttery sauce. She took the bag and eased into the comfy sofa, reached for the remote and clicked on that old movie she had been waiting to see all week.


I didn't edit this so if there are errors sorry.

the point is don't sell your stories short by making them to brief, I have said nothing more in this piece than you did in you initial paragraph. But, hopefully I have enchanted to reader into reading more because they now are interested in the character Julia Forbes.

hope this helps and it is just my opinion


Max Crash.
That's brilliant what you wrote. I must admit it is much more interesting than what I wrote. When I'm reading a book I always think mine doesn't read anything like this. I just don't feel it flows if you know what I mean. Also the dialogue between the characters feels wooden and stilted.

But this is my first attempt so I'm pleased I wrote about 9,000 words. At college I had to write 2,000 word essays and that seemed a lot.

Last edited by Super Mario; 07-02-2016 at 12:10 AM..
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Old 07-02-2016, 05:41 AM
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once you start to get into a piece sometimes the whole night passes as the words just keep flowing.

wait until the first time your character takes over and writes something you had not envisioned.

it's spook and weird and cool all at the same time.


keep writing it all comes with time.


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Old 07-09-2016, 09:36 AM
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This is a very good story.

But you could've posted the additional chapters as updates instead of putting them in the comment section.
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Old 07-09-2016, 05:52 PM
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I finished reading through this yesterday and it was a very enjoyable read. These first chapters indeed has a basis to evolve into a very good, complete work. Some elements you employed here really drew me in, and the overall storyline is rather intriguing. I only spotted a few bits of improvement in terms of flow/naturalness mostly in your first chapter, but I think max crash already highlighted some significant parts. I'd actually look forward in reading further. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 07-18-2016, 05:50 AM
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Sorry I've been away. So without further ado here is the rest of it. This is as far as I've got. The reason I keep putting it different posts is because it's easier to read rather than one big long story.

CHAPTER 4
Julia clutched her daughter Denise’s hand as they stepped back into the flat. It had only been a few days since the robbery but it felt like yesterday. Her flat had been tainted with a presence and memory that was so strong. The police had gathered all the evidence they could which was inconclusive since the burglars had been wearing gloves. The only fingerprints they had picked up were obviously Sam Lawson’s when he came to help her. He had told the police straight away so they could eliminate him as a suspect.

Julia went upstairs to her bedroom. She looked around, her bed was still unmade from that awful night. She decided to change her bed clothes so started stripping the bed. She was putting the duvet on when she heard Denise crying out for her. She rushed downstairs to see what had upset her. Denise was standing at the foot of the stairs crying inconsolably.
“What’s up darling!” she said in a soothing voice wrapping her arms around her.
“I can’t find Mr Tom Tom!!!” she stammered through sobs. Mr Tom Tom was a pet cat toy which Patrick had bought her for her 1st birthday. Ever since then just like most children she and Mr Tom Tom were inseparable. She and Mr Tom Tom went everywhere, to the shops, to bed, to relative’s houses. It was a surprise that she hadn’t asked for her beloved toy before now.

She went into Denise’s room to search for the toy. It usually sat on her pillow with the other toys between Postman Pat and Fireman Sam. However it clearly wasn’t there. She looked all-round the room; under the bed in case it had fallen off the bed during the robbery, behind the door but there was no sign of it.

Strange though Julia. The robbers were hardly likely to take a stuffed toy from a three year old when they were after money. It had definitely been in her room the night of the robbery because she had been clutching it when she had looked in on her.
“Darling I’m really sorry” she said as she bent down to eye level with her daughter. “I will try and get you another one when we go to the shops” She didn’t want to phone the police with this information because they would think she was being daft over a silly missing stuffed toy. At that moment there was a knock at the door. Julia looked through the peep hole and saw it was the two detectives who had spoken to her previously at Emily’s house.

The mystery of the toy was replaced with thoughts about Patrick. She opened the door and let them into the kitchen. “Have you got information about Patrick?” she asked wringing her hands. “Yes” replied DC Mullen. “A bit of good news. Earlier today we went to his law firm Robert & Smith and talked to the senior partner with whom he had an affair. Well it would appear that he didn’t have an affair at all. Elaine Robert was absolutely adamant that she had never had an affair with your husband, in fact she was appalled at the very suggestion of it. The reason for the Receptionist being cagey was the fact that he had told everyone at the office that he didn’t have a wife. She was extremely surprised to hear you say it was his wife.”

Julia grabbed a chair and sat down hard. She had to gather her thoughts. Why on earth would Patrick not have denied having an affair and putting everything: Denise, her, everything he had worked so hard and long for in jeopardy? Why did he tell his colleagues he didn’t have a wife? Was he ashamed of her in some way or had she done something to embarrass him? Who was the man she had married for better or for worse?
She was interrupted from her disarrayed thoughts by DC Reid speaking. Snapping out of her reverie she forced herself to listen and asked her to repeat what she had just said.
“There’s more Ms Forbes. When we asked the senior partner when he resigned it would appear to not tally up with what you told us previously. The senior partner told us he resigned in February 2007. You told us he resigned the day after you found out. Now I’m not saying you’ve been lying to us but the obvious question I’m going to ask you is there is any particular reason you know of for him to lie about when he resigned?

Julia shook her head from side to side slowly. She was stunned. All this revelation from a break in. She couldn’t believe that the man she had fallen in love with had so many secrets. She had so many questions flying round her mind but the same answer kept coming back:
“I don’t know why he lied about when he resigned and I don’t know about any of the other stuff” she replied truthfully. “He had been taking a lot of calls like I said before but I assumed it was work related then after he told me about the so called affair I assumed it was from her and now I don’t know.”

The two detectives looked at her and the younger DC Reid spoke first “Everything you know seems to be just based on what he has told you and you have taken him on his word. I’m afraid we really don’t know what your ex husband has been doing during the six months before you split up. You told us before that he always came to London to spend time with your daughter” At that DC Reid glanced through the living room door where Denise was scribbling away in a play book before continuing. “Did you ever broach going to his house in Wilmslow to stay with him instead?

“Yes” replied Julia “However he was very adamant that he came to London at the weekends. Sometimes it was always possible due to his work commitments well I’m not so sure now what work commitments he could have if he wasn’t working” Julia grimaced. “My head is really hurting with all this.” Then she remembered about the missing toy. “I know this might seem really irrelevant but one of my daughter’s toys is missing. I was hunting high and low for it when you arrived. It’s one of her favourite toys, it’s a black and white pussy cat toy like the one Fireman Sam has. She had it when I looked in on her the night of the burglary. I’m probably being really daft because what would burglars want with a stuffed child’s toy?” she laughed.
“Miss Forbes could we take a look at Denise’s room?” replied DC Mullen as he stood up.
Julia showed the two detectives upstairs to Denise’s room.

She watched as they entered her daughter’s room. Patrick had decorated this room for Denise. They spent many a happy hour painting the room. Denise trying to help but getting covered in red paint. This was the only room she hadn’t redecorated since the split. It reminded Denise of her Daddy and it wouldn’t have been fair that she took those memories away from Denise by redecorating her room. The two detectives looked exactly where she had been looking; the cupboard, in the bed, under the bed and in the washing basket. Eventually DC Mullen got up and brushed himself down before taking out his notepad and writing in it. “I’ve made a note of it Miss Forbes. I want to reiterate that anything no matter how insignificant or silly it may seem please let us know. It may be the tiniest clue that leads us to crack this whole case. We have no leads as to who broke in as it is so anything could be helpful. He smiled as he went passed her and down the stairs to the front door. At that point his mobile phone rang. Julia watched him as he spoke and noticed his face change to deadly serious. “Right we are on our way sir” He put the phone back in his pocket and the two detectives left leaving Julia wondering what was going on in her life she had built up.
***
The two detectives hurried to their car. As they got in DC Reid asked “what have we got?”
“There’s been a man found with head injuries at a warehouse in South East London. A passer-by saw him and called us. On examination of his wallet a driving licence was found which claims it is Patrick Wayne. He is currently in a critical condition. They were operating on him to relieve the pressure in his skull.
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Old 07-28-2016, 07:18 AM
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My god you writing machine. Endless blocks of writing look so daunting on my phone. Had to switch to my laptop.

It seems no one has mentioned your formatting. Correct formatting makes large blocks of writing somewhat less daunting. Try starting a new persons dialogue on a new line so instead of;

She showed the constables into the kitchen. “Tea or Coffee?” “Nothing for me thanks” replied the young female Detective.

try;

She showed the constables into the kitchen. "Tea or coffee?"
"Nothing for me thanks," replied the young female detective.

And I've inadvertently found a mistake. They go from constables to being detectives?

That's all from me. =) Keep writing.

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Old 07-29-2016, 06:30 AM
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Elmore Leonard's ten rules for good writing.
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Old 07-30-2016, 02:45 PM
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So far I've only read the first chapter but i'll say it felt like you were writing a summary of your story. Everything was very brief, matter-of-fact and told not shown.

Obviously at this point it's a question of style so don't let me get in your way, but i will say there are literal chapters of writing and intrigue that could be built between some of your sentences. You may find more depth and a more distinct voice in explaining some of those moments you've touched upon. As a start, maybe you could explain how her relationship started of well. What does a whirlwind romance look like to Julia?

just some thoughts
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Super Mario (07-31-2016)
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Old 08-04-2016, 04:17 AM
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I don't think posting chapters of your book on a forum is a great idea...it endangers your work and brings plagiarism into picture
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Old 08-04-2016, 07:07 AM
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Super Mario - there is a balance that you are missing.

An intro has to be attention grabbing. On the other hand, a lot of short choppy sentences don't get the job done. The first few paragraphs had a "Run spot run. See Spot run" cadence.
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